Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

[Lisawr]

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

Why can’t he stay with his boyfriend?

What a tosser. Uses you to have DC then abandons you.

I wonder what the ‘might he be planning to hurt himself’ brigade are thinking now 🙄

Please don’t reply. Get a solicitor as others have said before you do anything and keep documented evidence as much as you can. He gets more vile with every post, how dare he use your children as a weapon and what nonsense about wanting the best for them, he clearly doesn’t give a fuck about any of you. Family court will not look favourably on his lifestyle though op.

It's not about his "rights", it is (or should be) about what's in the best interests of the children. If it ended up in court, that's what the judge would focus on.

How old are the children? You said they're very young. Who has been the primary carer until now? Do you both work full-time?

My advice is to send him a brief reply telling him that you'll seek legal advice after Christmas and reply properly after that. And perhaps offer mediation - that should be the first step and may help you avoid court.

Wow, he’s a CF!
Don't reply, get advice from a solicitor.
Get ready to fight. Your kids need that from you. xxx

Don't reply to any messages or emails from him. I personally would try and get some legal advice for yourself and await to see if he instructs a solicitor. His emails and messages are just to frighten you. Just remember you are the injured party not him! You are probably entitled to a lot more like a financial settlement, half of his inheritance and his pension as well as half the house value. Sit tight and keep strong.

He is an absolute wanker!!

Reply by email, acknowledging receipt and advising that you will respond once you have had an opportunity to seek legal advice. Nothing more than that. Don’t lower yourself to answering the pathetic comments about acting like adults; don’t let him goad you into saying something in writing that you might regret later. And definitely don’t say anything in response to any of his demands. He could demand full custody with you popping in each morning to cook them all breakfast, if he likes. It certainly doesn’t mean that’ll be happening. Scream into your pillow if you need to, but be coldly professional with him. This man is not the man you thought was your loving husband. He is a duplicitous stranger and must be treated as such.

My heart breaks for you, I’m so bloody sorry. You need support. Who is in your life you can rely on? Family? Friends? This is too much for you to cope with on your own.

While you're waiting to talk to a solicitor, have a look at these guides; they're very helpful:

https://www.advicenow.org.uk/get-help/family-and-children/child-arrangements/sorting-out-child-arrangements

https://www.advicenow.org.uk/get-help/family-and-children/divorce-and-separation/sorting-out-your-finances-when-you-get-divorced

I wouldn’t ignore it completely, in case that prompts him to take some sort of action, like turn up on the door step demanding to see the children etc. If you tell him you’ll respond after seeking legal advice, you’ve given him a response that no Judge could criticise and you’re telling him that there will be a response in due course, rather than letting him think he needs to send the estate agents round on Boxing Day to value the house because you’re ignoring him.

@Lisawr take time to reply. Never respond ‘reactively’. I mean, don’t panic. Take stock. Look into your joint finances, his pension provision, everything. Don’t feel rushed into a response. You can divorce him if you prefer.

Would suggest you need to keep every single piece of communication and put it into chronological order.
Put a timeline together of events.
Do this now as there is alot happening and you may forget.
Include the detail of conversations you have had with other woman.
Make sure you have evidence if how much he earns at this point, this will be useful for your financial settlement.
Don't agree to anything right now.
He wants everything in email as he is creating a file too so this is a reason to be careful what you put in emails because it will come back at a later date. Try to be civil as much as possible.

An official sounding letter could just as easily be an AI (ChatGPT) as any kind of legal advice, hard to know (look for any USA-style terms).

How realistic is the 50/50 during a normal school week? If it's close to impossible you could say, OK, you look after them w/c 12 January, than I'll do w/c 19 January, and so on. ( If that's possible, then maybe not! )

Suggestion of 50/50 is doubtless a tactic to avoid paying child support and to argue for keeping the house. Best to delay and take advice, though by all means send some kind of note of acknowledgment. Also keep good copies of recent correspondence (e.g. no interest in kids at Xmas), and details of accounts/pensions if you have them.

I’ve recently separated from my partner of 20 years and let me assure you it does get easier. You’ll have many moments of being blindsided and wondering how you’ll deal with things but you can and you will.

At this stage it seems he’s trying to control the narrative because he’s lost control of his life. My partner got pretty nasty with me fairly quickly and doubled down on the emotional and financial abuse I left him for. He tried to flip the script and make it seem like my own actions led to his behaviour. It was tortuous but play him at his own shitty game.

1. Don’t reply (or just acknowledge receipt) and contact a few solicitors to get independent advice
2. Consider speaking with Citizens Advice or Women’s Aid
3. Tell family and friends because you’ll need people you can lean on

He can’t force you out of the marital home just because he earns more. Suggesting 50/50 and making his home their main residence is fucking laughable given he’s just abandoned his kids for Christmas.

Keep your cards close to your chest. The swinging and putting your health at risk will need to be documented at some point because it shows his cavalier and uncaring attitude. What a wanker.

Sending you so much love and strength. You’re the one in control here even if it doesn’t feel like it in this moment 💛

if you're good at form-filling, you could start the divorce now:
Get a divorce: How to apply - GOV.UK

They’ll go super quiet!

They were never there for the op. She’s a woman. It’s easier to back a man.

How old are your dc?

Do you have in writing his statement that he is going radio silent over Christmas and doesn't wish to see the children? Because it would be interesting to see how that goes down in mediation or family court should he continue to demand 50/50 with the children.

He doesn't get to just decide how things will be and then tell you what's going to happen. As others have suggested, politely acknowledge his email (Dear Dave, I acknowledge receipt of your email dated XX below and will respond fully once I have sought legal advice. Regards, Name).

Don't let him tell you that you can divorce without a lawyer because it will be easier/less expensive/it's not necessary/you're making it acrimonious. You need and deserve legal advice.

Poor woman! If he has confessed everything, it sounds like he is wanting to make his marriage work? If that is the case, a safe presumption is that your (soon to be ex) husband was the predator? If so, this won’t have been his first extra marital relationship and he has probably been having hook ups for years?

It may not seem like it now but you are well rid. At the back of his mind he has been planning all along to do the dirty on you.

PLEASE heed the advice here to totally blank his latest pompous self-entitled communication to you. Do not respond at all. You need urgent legal advice. The next thing he should receive from you should be a letter/email from your solicitor, setting out your terms.

BTW, If you find he has infected you with anything, this could potentially be classed as assault.

I'd not bother to answer at all until after Christmas. You owe him absolutely nothing, so no need to rush to make his life easier. I'd also not be covering up the reason we split if others asked either.
After that message, he could go to hell. I'd be making sure I got every single penny I deserved and he could get fucked if he thought I'd be amicable with someone who had been knowingly putting me at risk of STDs for months. I'd actually put money on him changing his mind about the 50/50 when it sinks in he actually has to have his kids for half the time. It's something frequently trotted out in divorce threats to make the mum feel scared and give in to other demands easily. He's been brewing in his hotel thinking up ways to brazen his way through his terrible behaviour and try to bully you into keeping your mouth shut about what he's been doing. Prick.

Don’t worry too much about the 50/50 thing at this stage. Men always say they want equal custody but when they realise that means making sacrifices with work and money or not being able to date people they soon decide every other weekend will suit them better.

Makes you wonder why she decided to blow your marriage up if she likes her own lifestyle too much to leave her own husband for sleeping with other men. Nobody is that financially dependent on someone that they would stay in a marriage like that. It has to be the lifestyle she doesn’t want to give up.

This all sounds hideous but you need to see a solicitor. This man is just thinking about himself, and no, he won’t be committing suicide.

It would be awkward if you divorced him, but in your shoes I would start the process as it gives you some control.

Btw I don’t know what your husband is like day to day OP but no one ever gets better in a divorce so just expect him to get worse. This man doesn’t sound guilty, he sounds sneaky. You need to see a lawyer.

What a wanker thinking he can gaslight and manipulate you into conceding rights in the divorce, implying your behaviour will be childish and trivialising what he has done.

If he planned to tell you after xmas then he had an exit plan worked out in advance and an idea of living arrangements.

Reply to the email stating that as he has been sleeping with other men (and likely multiple with the information you have) you intend to get an STI check.

Then give him the name of your solicitor and state that you will not be conceding to any of his demands via email and that he should arrange for his solicitor to contact yours to get financial settlement underway. All future contact will be that way.

Take control and dont let him!!

Then ring his parents and tell them what has happened. It will maybe speed up that inheritance a bit! You dont have to keep his secrets.

This right here shows he is not the reliable, primary parent he is going to pretend to be. He is just swanning off and not contactable and not speaking to his children over Christmas. You are at home taking care of the children all this time without his help. That matters. I would make sure your solicitor notes that he has form for this. If there is an emergency he just isn't reachable and has effectively abandoned his children over the holidays. What a dick.