Husband affair - what do I do about Christmas?

[Lisawr]

NC’d for obvious reasons. I broke up with my H last week - I had a woman message me online who claimed her H had been sleeping with mine for the past year. She gave detail such as dates etc and I confronted H who admitted this and broke down in tears and said he was going to tell me after Christmas. As we have kids I let him stay in the spare room on the night this was found out and he has been sleeping on a friends sofa since (kids are very young so I’ve just said he’s away with work).

The issue is he cannot stay at the friends from tomorrow as they have visitors staying for Christmas. He wants to stay here in the spare room and have Christmas here for the kids’ sake.

I really am struggling to picture this but at the same time, don’t want to ruin the kids’ Christmas. I am torn and would welcome advice especially if anyone has experienced similar.

He doesn't care about the children, he is purely focused on his own needs.. He's just using that as an excuse, pathetic little man. If I were you OP I would move my money out of the joint bank account before he does. A man that can behave like this has no moral compass so expect the worse and protect yourself and your children.

Your poor little ones OP. The fact he will be uncontactable over Christmas is so awful for them. If it was me I’d be changing the locks, my phone number, I’d close the joint account and move all the money into an account for you and your children. I hope you are ok. You and your children will be absolutely fine without him

You want your kids father and grandparents in their lives, need to keep things calm.

This. He is being a cheeky entitled cunt.

Say no. He needs to make his own arrangements, you're not his Mum.

He's worked on his own convenient timing su far, had an affair for a year secretly, planned to separate after Xmas and packed when she how he'd tell his parents. Your and kids' convenience comes first now.

In a homophobic world it may seem most our many gays are promiscuous, it's the worst form of betrayal etc.
Bottom line, he's the kids' dad and it's in their interest to have a good or even average dad in their lives.

You haven’t ruined the kids Christmas, he has. He’s also now making you feel like it’s your fault you can’t bare having him around - but no, that’s his fault too.

Not your problem to be honest. He cheated on you and made this mess - he needs to deal with the fall out.

I definitely not have him staying in the house. I think that will potentially result in upset and arguments that are worse for the children than him not staying there!

What? He’s the one choosing not to see them and completely confuse them. All for his sexual needs. It’s not about being gay or promiscuous.

It’s about him being a vile and seedy little man with a sex fetish. Who puts that before their children?

It doesn't matter about most, or what is or isn't homophobia - HE has been promiscuous and basically living a double life. That is indeed the worst sort of betrayal.
Giving OP space to process this is probably the best way to make sure there is a chance of co parenting well down the line.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad he's not around for christmas, but what an absolute selfish arsehole for not wanting to speak to his kids on Christmas day. It'll confuse them?

Surely it's more confusing not to speak to them? But at least he's not being around I guess.

My STBExH Came out in April this year and its been an awful year. We are still living together for the sake of the kids, they are 4 and 7, while the house sells, but I'm getting desperate now to get my own space away from him.

Oh do fuck off. If the OP's husband had been doing the same with multiple women it'd still be abhorrent behaviour. It's not homophobic to be pissed off at what her husband has done just because he was shagging men

I commented earlier and I wanted to come back to say please do lean on your family and friends for support. Please tell them exactly what’s happened. They will hold you up, I honestly don’t know how you are managing to get your head off the pillow each day. This is a monumental betrayal. It won’t feel like it now and it won’t feel like it for some time (I’ve been there) but there is a better life waiting for you. A life of peace and love. How he has behaved, you may never understand it but that’s a good thing, because it means you are not like him, you can’t relate to his vile behaviour. Get therapy as soon as possible. Listen to Lily Allen’s new album. So many of us have been there.

Good grief how can she stand to have him in the house

He is a revolting piece of excrement and a hideous waste of oxygen. Focus on getting yourself and the children through Christmas and then file for divorce.
https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce
See if you can get an appointment with a solicitor booked and remember to get copies of payslips / pensions etc and file a CMS claim as well.

She might not be able or ready to have her ducks in row. She might need time and if she plays along she can get the time.

I'd tell him you really don't want him to stay under the same roof as you and he's to ask his parents, I'd tell him either he asks or you will and you won't be hiding the truth from them. However as shit as it is you can't stop him coming back as legally it's his house too.

In fact my mistake, it somehow agitated here. But mine was a response to the man dragging out the whole day re his family trip to his parents.
...
In both cases, gay dad and the road trip visit dad, I was responding to well meaning but unhelpful comments were about throwing the man's clothes on the street or going off on a vacation without the husband etc.
..
Either way..
I'm not saying any thing about onus on woman.
Simply realistic that when things calm down, it's important that dad, kids and grandparents maintain rel.

Come again?

Pound to a penny he will be on some Tinder chem sex, sex party hook up.

He can find his own lodgings or a hotel. If you are OK with it he can come over on Xmas day to see the kids, not sure I would have him for dinner.

OK he doesn't want to great!

Why don’t people read OP’s updates? The husband doesn’t want to have anything to do with his family on Xmas day now, he’s booked a few days away.

No, no. It was clear what you meant.

Don’t let him sleep in your house. You’ll spend the nice year trying to get him out again. You’ll spend most establish absolute boundaries as the norm while everyone is still in shock. He will need to stay in a travel lodge but can come for the day.

never let him sleep in your house again. Once he’s got over the shock he’ll start seeing himself as the victim and resent that you are breaking up with him, and will be much harder to deal with.
categorically never stays in the house again, without any debate.

Absolute bullshit. Not one single person would ever think that not being available to even speak to their children on FaceTime (for even 5 minutes) on Christmas Day is in a child’s best interest. That he claims this is in the children’s best interests is frankly insulting, abhorrent and selfish. And that fact he think you will fall for this lie is ludicrous.

He has plans now on Christmas Day that he doesn’t want interrupted by having to FaceTime his children. Plans that serve his own interests. And he is coming up with ridiculous lies that try to paint him as some guy who is just thinking of the children’s best interests. What a hero 🙄

Whatever happens going forwards, know that he is a selfish man who put his own desires above his children’s best interests.