@Sadly11OK, hopefully this will knock some sense into you...
He turns up on Christmas day with some grand gesture and a speech about how wrong he is and how he can't live without you. Your gut tells you to ask him to leave and ignore his charming words. But, it's Christmas day and he's travelled 3 hours, so of course you let him stay as you're a nice person and don't want to be rude.
Fast forward 10 years and You've got 3 kids with this man child. He's ruined the last decade of your life with his toxic behaviour and gaslit you to the point where you don't know what's real and what's not. Your gut still tells you though, but you push it down and ignore it, because he's trained you to listen to him.
You have multiple health problems including stomach problems, anxiety, depression and panic attacks. Because your body knows this relationship is wrong. It always has, but you've been so scared of upsetting him and his reaction that you've destroyed yourself in the process.
You're seeing the signs in your children too. The anger in the eldest, who is beginning to see who is dad is. He won't stand up to him either though, as he's scared of his reaction too, so all his anger and resentment is directed at you.
The worrying silence and nervous tics from your middle child, who internalises everything and is a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.
Your youngest, who is so clingy and won't leave your side, so you don't get a minute to yourself to even cry or breathe.
He's left and come back more times than you can count. Threatened you with court multiple times and doesn't support you financially.
He has no routine with the children, so they don't know whether they are coming or going. He's devised it this way, so that you can never have a life. Never meet anyone else.
Every day you wish you could go back to that Christmas and slam the door in his face. Maybe then you'd be married to a lovely man, with happy children, who don't walk on egg shells in fear of his silent treatment or gaslighting.
This may sound extreme. But, this has been my life for 10 years.
Please listen to your body, please don't worry about offending or upsetting him when he comes crawling back.
Please, please walk away and do not engage with him ever again.
Please educate yourself on toxic people and how they love bomb and manipulate.
Give yourself enough time on your own, until you will not add another man to your life unless he brings something to it, not takes away from it. Build your self worth up to the point that you won't accept less than you deserve.
Ultimately would you want to be friends with this person? If not, they don't deserve a place in your life.
Go live the life you deserve ❤️