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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For leaving my boyfriend in the frozen isle

747 replies

Sadly11 · 21/12/2025 15:27

I came to stay with him for the week to spend Christmas together (3 hours by train) Yesterday we went food shopping because he didn’t have any food in. He’s always been very clear that food shopping is super triggering for him so normally he orders online but this week he hadn’t and we were starving.

On the way he even joked that this could end badly and we might break up. Haha. Because nothing says comedy like foreshadowing your own relationship ending in the frozen isle

Anyway, we get there and he’s acting manic. He kept grabbing my chest, pulling my skirt up (not fully but still uncomfortable) he’s making gestures with his penis and making inappropriate comments, there were kids around. People noticed. Embarrassing doesn’t even cover it. I told him to stop, and he countered with loudly accusing me of being embarrassed of him which just drew more attention.

I tried to soldier on because maybe this is his coping mechanism. We’re almost done, he asks a question about which salmon we should choose. I zone out. He snaps at me, says you’re supposed to be helping, you know how hard this is for me. I remind him I have been helping but he keeps pushing. People are staring again so I say I’m not having an argument with you in the fish aisle, I will walk out if you don’t stop.

Then in the frozen aisle he snaps again at me because I said I don’t want ice cream and earlier I had said I wanted ice cream. so I just walked out. Left him there with a trolley full of food and walked back to his.
Back at his house he shuts himself away on the sofa. I went to bed alone. Today I try to talk to him, he wants to be left alone and doesn’t want to talk to me, apparently walking out was the worst thing I could have done. I abandoned him in the most triggering environment possible, what I did was shocking to him, he doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me anymore and when pushed if he wants to break up says he said he hasn’t thought about it and just wants to be left alone.
oh and it gets better, it’s my Birthday tomorrow, we had plans for him to take me to dinner, he said he won’t kick me out on my birthday (how lovely) but will continue sleeping on the sofa and I should let him know when he should drop me back off at the station.

He’s currently asleep now on the sofa. What a wonderful birthday present. He’s essentially broken up with me the day before my Birthday. I don’t know the area, it’s far too late to make any plans for either my birthday or Christmas. I don’t know when I’ll go home, I have a parcel coming to his house tomorrow morning and I’m pretty certain I’ll never be back so I think I need to stay here for that and then do the 3 hour train ride back on my Birthday, alone, to then spend Christmas alone. Plus I haven’t slept yet and my eyes are all swollen and puffy from crying so I don’t know if I fancy doing the journey back in this state.

OP posts:
IAmKerplunk · 22/12/2025 17:12

You need to make it clear to him that any future contact from him is unwelcome and you will consider it harassment.

Zucker · 22/12/2025 17:21

For a man you were so sure would see his silent treatment of you to the grave, this would be the hill he goes down on, he sure is a chatty boy eh?

He's trying to reel you back in because you left, you have to go cold turkey with this man. He is no good for you or any woman in fact.

Terrribletwos · 22/12/2025 17:28

Zucker · 22/12/2025 17:21

For a man you were so sure would see his silent treatment of you to the grave, this would be the hill he goes down on, he sure is a chatty boy eh?

He's trying to reel you back in because you left, you have to go cold turkey with this man. He is no good for you or any woman in fact.

Aye, quite funny (not ha ha) he's being communicating on email whereas before he was giving you the silent treatment. The thing about the oven is obviously just a ruse to try and reel you back in...to his dark, fucking web of misery. Good you haven't fallen for this.

Dustyfustyoldcarcass · 22/12/2025 17:40

TheMorgenmuffel · 22/12/2025 17:10

Seriously?

On a thread with an upset woman coming to terms with the fact she's with an abusive arsehole?

Don't be such a twat. It's not ok.

The saying read the room was invented for people like this. 😃

EchoesOfOurDreams · 22/12/2025 17:43

Dustyfustyoldcarcass · 22/12/2025 17:02

FWIW an abusive dickhead thought it was great to dump me on Valentine's day, so I basically left and never went back which he seemed quite shocked about (then stalked me for a while before I blocked him). Don't feed the drama llama. He won't change.

Same thing happened to me when an ex broke up with me via text on my 19th birthday. There were many red flags up until that point and I'd had enough of his behaviour anyway so him breaking up with me was a blessing in disguise really. I basically just said "OK then" and he seemed very shocked that I just accepted it and didn't beg for him back. He then proceeded to stalk me at my student flat and manipulate my silly housemates into letting him in the flat so he could hang around in the kitchen like a loser. Luckily it was coming up to the summer break so I just left my accommodation a few weeks early, went back to my parents' house and still continued to ignore him. He then tried to contact me through my brother but ultimately that backfired too. Eventually he got the hint and moved on but these types of men are so unhinged.

Easytoconfuse · 22/12/2025 17:47

Millytante · 22/12/2025 16:07

Ah, good woman yourself! Excellent news.
Let this be an end of it; wash this man right out of your hair.

If you’re feeling shell-shocked back in your house again after your special week began a bit differently from the imagined one, why not keep your thread going just for any old chat; maybe tv recommendations, meal ideas, where to hear carols, etc etc. Anything.
Anyway, you've a lot of people here who are willing you to be ok, so remember you are not alone, including on Christmas Day.

Can I second this, please? We will be right behind you when reassurance and encouragement is needed (and isn't that a scary thought?)

2026 can be an amazing year when YOU decide what amazing looks like. It may be giving up men and getting a stick insect. (Or just a jar full of branches, which is even easier and it's fun getting people to spot the non existent insect!) It may even be worth doing the affirmation thing in front of the mirror, although I used to get the giggles when I was standing there and saying 'I am a good person' because somehow, I always started thinking about ways in which I could be bad. Which was fun too...

Millytante · 22/12/2025 17:49

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 16:32

In my breakup message I sent I told him that his behavior, sexually harassing me and humiliating me publicly was not okay. I needed him to understand that, even if only for my own closure. I also addressed the gaslighting and the way he ignored me. I then told him I was blocking him. I sent it to my friend to proof read before I sent it and had confirmation it was clear with points explained well.

Jesus now he’s since emailed me 3 times asking “Sorry, to be clear, does blocked mean broken up with?” “It means leave me the fuck alone. It’s over. Yes?” And “I’d really appreciate him understanding that. I clearly don’t pick up on social cues, clearly”

Can this day just be over with!!!

The things about the day which you are bemoaning are only bothering you because you opened the door to them!
You never need hear from him again, if only you’d block his every means of contacting you. (Assuming it’s now been made 110% clear to him that the relationship is dead as a dodo, and over. Not pussyfooting, and no seeking to ‘leave a light on for him’, so to speak’)
Don’t leave tuggable loose ends whereby he reckons he has any power to grant you ‘closure’, nor ask him provide elucidation about any aspects of his general fuckwittage.
The only important thing is being shot of him, with no traces remaining.

I don’t think Im alone in detecting an ambivalent tone in your recent posts, as though there’s a part of you still relishing the fact that this bloke is paying attention to you, even though it’s attention consisting of manipulation, lies, and accusations.
If this is even a tiny bit true, you need to be on your guard now. You’re feeling more grounded back in your own space, maybe thinking confidently that you can handle his nonsense now it’s over, so you might allow a bit of communication. But that’s like catnip to men like him: here’s a woman who can be exploited and steamrollered into accepting the world turned upside down once more.
You know what the watchword is (well, two words) : constant vigilance! 👮🏻

Fupoffyagrasshole · 22/12/2025 17:54

Op go out on a night out with some friends and switch off your bloody phone.

dapsnotplimsolls · 22/12/2025 17:55

If you're ever tempted to unblock him, post on here first!

CohensDiamondTeeth · 22/12/2025 18:05

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 16:32

In my breakup message I sent I told him that his behavior, sexually harassing me and humiliating me publicly was not okay. I needed him to understand that, even if only for my own closure. I also addressed the gaslighting and the way he ignored me. I then told him I was blocking him. I sent it to my friend to proof read before I sent it and had confirmation it was clear with points explained well.

Jesus now he’s since emailed me 3 times asking “Sorry, to be clear, does blocked mean broken up with?” “It means leave me the fuck alone. It’s over. Yes?” And “I’d really appreciate him understanding that. I clearly don’t pick up on social cues, clearly”

Can this day just be over with!!!

Don't reply to his emails, don't even open them out of curiosity, just straight in the bin!

Block him on every platform!

If he continues to find work arounds to contact you, call the police and report him for harassment.

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 18:12

Zucker · 22/12/2025 17:21

For a man you were so sure would see his silent treatment of you to the grave, this would be the hill he goes down on, he sure is a chatty boy eh?

He's trying to reel you back in because you left, you have to go cold turkey with this man. He is no good for you or any woman in fact.

Barely said a word to me in person like I said he wouldn’t, only decides he actually wants to talk when I leave

OP posts:
CohensDiamondTeeth · 22/12/2025 18:15

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 18:12

Barely said a word to me in person like I said he wouldn’t, only decides he actually wants to talk when I leave

Yes because he is an abusive arse. Have you blocked him on all platforms?

MokaEfti · 22/12/2025 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FOJN · 22/12/2025 18:17

OP this man is absolutely vile.

His behaviour in the supermarket was a humiliation ritual to see how far he could push you. His anxiety is clearly not what makes him behave like an arsehole because rather than run screaming from the supermarket when left alone he simply completed the shopping. He knows his behaviour was unacceptable but he's spent two days trying to make it your fault. The fact that you even thought you had done something wrong tells me this man has been manipulating you and trying to destroy your confidence and self esteem for a while. Decide it stops today.

He is clearly furious that you are exercising some agency. He's in emotional turmoil because he cannot make you do what he wants, which is to go running back to him and beg for forgiveness. Selfish men like him cannot bear to be miserable alone which is why he's bombarding you with emails. It sounds like you have made yourself clear, block and/or delete him on everything.

He's spoilt your birthday and I imagine plans to do the same to Christmas, give him the finger by not allowing that. Contact with him will only undermine your healing, cut him off and take care of yourself.

I think he's more dangerous and volatile than you think. Never open the floor to him just to be safe. Make a friend aware of what has happened and plan to check in with them over the Christmas break.

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 18:18

TheMorgenmuffel · 22/12/2025 17:12

Mark his emails as spam and don't open them. If you can block them, even better.

There is no reason for you to continue to reply to him other than you actually wanting to and I'm assuming you don't.

I replied just to be clear that yes, it’s over and then I blocked him. My last message already made that obvious, so he’s doing this deliberately. He knows exactly what I meant when I blocked him. It feels like he’s trying to turn this around and make me the bad guy for ending things, even though he ignored me for 2 days, when asked if he wanted to break up replied and said he hadn’t thought about it, told me to leave him alone, repeatedly said he’d drop me at the station, and said he didn’t want to spend Christmas with me. Now that I’ve left and blocked him, he suddenly wants to talk, says he shouldn’t have let me go, and is asking me to confirm whether I’m breaking up with him. It’s honestly crazy.

OP posts:
FOJN · 22/12/2025 18:22

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 18:18

I replied just to be clear that yes, it’s over and then I blocked him. My last message already made that obvious, so he’s doing this deliberately. He knows exactly what I meant when I blocked him. It feels like he’s trying to turn this around and make me the bad guy for ending things, even though he ignored me for 2 days, when asked if he wanted to break up replied and said he hadn’t thought about it, told me to leave him alone, repeatedly said he’d drop me at the station, and said he didn’t want to spend Christmas with me. Now that I’ve left and blocked him, he suddenly wants to talk, says he shouldn’t have let me go, and is asking me to confirm whether I’m breaking up with him. It’s honestly crazy.

Making you feel crazy is the intention. Yes some men are really so twisted they will try to make you feel mad so you are easier to manipulate. Your post here describing what's happened makes his manipulative behaviour more transparent than a pane of glass. Trust yourself, you know what he did.

CantBreathe90 · 22/12/2025 18:28

EmpressaurusKitty · 22/12/2025 09:16

I’m glad you’re safe. Maybe a brief message to say it’s over, but it’s the blocking & keeping him blocked that’s the important bit.

Agreed. I'd message and then block, without waiting for a reply. It's a courtesy really - I'm sure he'll know "why" he's being binned off and blocked!

Hope you find something fun to do over Christmas x

Zucker · 22/12/2025 18:28

Who cares if you're the bad guy. Who cares? You should be glad of the escape route from this guy. He's manipulating you, you're still amazed that he's twisting what happened. You know what happened, you don't need to explain it to him or convince him you're in the right. There's no winning with someone like this.

Millytante · 22/12/2025 18:30

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 18:18

I replied just to be clear that yes, it’s over and then I blocked him. My last message already made that obvious, so he’s doing this deliberately. He knows exactly what I meant when I blocked him. It feels like he’s trying to turn this around and make me the bad guy for ending things, even though he ignored me for 2 days, when asked if he wanted to break up replied and said he hadn’t thought about it, told me to leave him alone, repeatedly said he’d drop me at the station, and said he didn’t want to spend Christmas with me. Now that I’ve left and blocked him, he suddenly wants to talk, says he shouldn’t have let me go, and is asking me to confirm whether I’m breaking up with him. It’s honestly crazy.

Wants to have the last word, at all costs.
But feck him; what he wants is no longer anything to do with you.
Summon your inner Boudicca and burn the relationship to the ground 🥳

HarbourClankCat · 22/12/2025 18:31

Well done and happy birthday. I’d definitely request a Clare’s Law disclosure about him.

Get some sleep, eat and be very proud of standing up for yourself. May the New Year bring you someone worthy!

Millytante · 22/12/2025 18:32

FOJN · 22/12/2025 18:17

OP this man is absolutely vile.

His behaviour in the supermarket was a humiliation ritual to see how far he could push you. His anxiety is clearly not what makes him behave like an arsehole because rather than run screaming from the supermarket when left alone he simply completed the shopping. He knows his behaviour was unacceptable but he's spent two days trying to make it your fault. The fact that you even thought you had done something wrong tells me this man has been manipulating you and trying to destroy your confidence and self esteem for a while. Decide it stops today.

He is clearly furious that you are exercising some agency. He's in emotional turmoil because he cannot make you do what he wants, which is to go running back to him and beg for forgiveness. Selfish men like him cannot bear to be miserable alone which is why he's bombarding you with emails. It sounds like you have made yourself clear, block and/or delete him on everything.

He's spoilt your birthday and I imagine plans to do the same to Christmas, give him the finger by not allowing that. Contact with him will only undermine your healing, cut him off and take care of yourself.

I think he's more dangerous and volatile than you think. Never open the floor to him just to be safe. Make a friend aware of what has happened and plan to check in with them over the Christmas break.

Perfectly put; essential advice too.

fashionqueen0123 · 22/12/2025 18:52

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 16:32

In my breakup message I sent I told him that his behavior, sexually harassing me and humiliating me publicly was not okay. I needed him to understand that, even if only for my own closure. I also addressed the gaslighting and the way he ignored me. I then told him I was blocking him. I sent it to my friend to proof read before I sent it and had confirmation it was clear with points explained well.

Jesus now he’s since emailed me 3 times asking “Sorry, to be clear, does blocked mean broken up with?” “It means leave me the fuck alone. It’s over. Yes?” And “I’d really appreciate him understanding that. I clearly don’t pick up on social cues, clearly”

Can this day just be over with!!!

Well done. I’m glad you told him why or that would be another reason for him to blame you or say you just ran off etc and come after you again

ThePoshUns · 22/12/2025 18:55

He is unhinged. If he continues to contact you after you have told him to stop, consider reporting him to the police for harassment.

EsmeSusanOgg · 22/12/2025 18:57

Trigger warnings in this article - but it you can, please read this testimony from a TV presenter who's ex husband was jailed for controlling and coercive behaviour. So many red flags for emotional abuse in his behaviour - https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62l13pp36qo

Ruth Dodsworth, with short blonde hair and wearing a pink top, stands in the ITV Wales studio smiling

Ruth Dodsworth: 'I used to dread Christmas Day with my abusive ex'

Weather presenter Ruth Dodsworth says the festive season can be a misery for domestic abuse victims.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62l13pp36qo

CommonAsMucklowe · 22/12/2025 19:19

Get out and stay out. He's bonkers.