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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For leaving my boyfriend in the frozen isle

747 replies

Sadly11 · 21/12/2025 15:27

I came to stay with him for the week to spend Christmas together (3 hours by train) Yesterday we went food shopping because he didn’t have any food in. He’s always been very clear that food shopping is super triggering for him so normally he orders online but this week he hadn’t and we were starving.

On the way he even joked that this could end badly and we might break up. Haha. Because nothing says comedy like foreshadowing your own relationship ending in the frozen isle

Anyway, we get there and he’s acting manic. He kept grabbing my chest, pulling my skirt up (not fully but still uncomfortable) he’s making gestures with his penis and making inappropriate comments, there were kids around. People noticed. Embarrassing doesn’t even cover it. I told him to stop, and he countered with loudly accusing me of being embarrassed of him which just drew more attention.

I tried to soldier on because maybe this is his coping mechanism. We’re almost done, he asks a question about which salmon we should choose. I zone out. He snaps at me, says you’re supposed to be helping, you know how hard this is for me. I remind him I have been helping but he keeps pushing. People are staring again so I say I’m not having an argument with you in the fish aisle, I will walk out if you don’t stop.

Then in the frozen aisle he snaps again at me because I said I don’t want ice cream and earlier I had said I wanted ice cream. so I just walked out. Left him there with a trolley full of food and walked back to his.
Back at his house he shuts himself away on the sofa. I went to bed alone. Today I try to talk to him, he wants to be left alone and doesn’t want to talk to me, apparently walking out was the worst thing I could have done. I abandoned him in the most triggering environment possible, what I did was shocking to him, he doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me anymore and when pushed if he wants to break up says he said he hasn’t thought about it and just wants to be left alone.
oh and it gets better, it’s my Birthday tomorrow, we had plans for him to take me to dinner, he said he won’t kick me out on my birthday (how lovely) but will continue sleeping on the sofa and I should let him know when he should drop me back off at the station.

He’s currently asleep now on the sofa. What a wonderful birthday present. He’s essentially broken up with me the day before my Birthday. I don’t know the area, it’s far too late to make any plans for either my birthday or Christmas. I don’t know when I’ll go home, I have a parcel coming to his house tomorrow morning and I’m pretty certain I’ll never be back so I think I need to stay here for that and then do the 3 hour train ride back on my Birthday, alone, to then spend Christmas alone. Plus I haven’t slept yet and my eyes are all swollen and puffy from crying so I don’t know if I fancy doing the journey back in this state.

OP posts:
Disenchantedone · 22/12/2025 14:41

OP, nothing good can ever come of this. Wish him well in getting his oven fixed and say this is the last message you are sending.
Block.. move on.. he is bad news.

PolyVagalNerve · 22/12/2025 14:41

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 12:00

Please knock some sense into me

I’ll happily knock sense into you !!!

this man is a disgrace !!!!

you are kind and sweet and been treated appallingly!!!

please don’t look back - apart to say to yourself … thank fuck that is over …

you will be far happier alone and investing in yourself in any which way u please !!!

don’t let that dickhead if a bloke reel u back in - he will try. He needs you, you are a good catch and he is a Burden !!!
do not fall for any tricks and manipulation -

look forward and let the shadows fall behind u xxx

fashionqueen0123 · 22/12/2025 14:41

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 12:00

Please knock some sense into me

Jesus Christ. This man is insane. Send him a text to say it’s over. Good bye. Please do not contact me again. I am not being with someone who is a narcissist abuser and I’ve had enough. Then block before he can reply!

fashionqueen0123 · 22/12/2025 14:44

LoveSandbanks · 22/12/2025 14:31

He’s a barking mad, abusive fuckwit!

I see some people suggest he might be ND. I say this as someone who is ND and who has two sons who are also ND. I’m going to say it loud and clear.

IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER

YOU CAN BE AUTISTIC AND A FUCKING PRICK

Block and move on. Don’t engage with him again. Someone suggested that people will treat you as badly as you let them. This is very true. This was a test so see he can treat you badly. He wanted you to beg forgiveness while you were there but now you’ve “held a boundary” (badly but still held) and he’s trying to reel you back. Save yourself a shit ton of misery and block him NOW

This!! It’s not an excuse!

CohensDiamondTeeth · 22/12/2025 14:44

PigeonsandSquirrels · 22/12/2025 09:04

No but seeing as ND people are people some of them will logically be abusive pricks. Just like ND doesn’t make people arseholes it doesn’t make them angels. You’re doing the same thing other people do and acting like all ND people are the same with the same symptoms of ther diversity and the same personality.

Sexually inappropriate behaviour is part of some NDities at certain levels… not at all levels, not all ND, not all ND people. But some. It’s still wrong, still not OK, nobody is saying the ND is an excuse for it they’re just saying this doesn’t sound NT.

And I mean ffs! What exactly are people diagnosing him as ND on? Do we start handing out ND diagnoses over the internet on absolutely zero information except his say so about being triggered? His abusive behaviour? Should all abusers be let off because ND? Where do we draw the line?

Do we just let all abusive men away with their abuse because they use the right buzzwords? Fuck no! Where's the accountability?!

GrumpyInsomniac · 22/12/2025 14:51

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 12:00

Please knock some sense into me

He expected for you to bend over backwards for his forgiveness and was trying to use the threat of a solo Christmas as a means of achieving his end. He will never take accountability for his behaviour. And even now, the absolute nonsense about the oven is to try and force you to apologise for something while he goes some way to retract his threat to break up and claim he didn’t mean it.

If you go back to him everything will always be your fault and you will spend your life apologising to him just so he behaves less awfully. You deserve a future with a partner who is not abusive and who doesn’t just use you as an emotional punchbag.

Stay strong. Stay angry. Stay clear.

CohensDiamondTeeth · 22/12/2025 14:55

I'm really annoyed at people who keep saying this is because of ND. The OP even says he's not ND!

Happy birthday OP, I'm glad you're safe!

Agree, text to say it's over then immediately block everywhere! Don' be afraid to contact the police if your ex starts harassing you!

EmpressaurusKitty · 22/12/2025 14:58

My ex was like this.

Not the exhibitionism or sexual abuse, but things would suddenly be my fault and I’d have no idea why / what I’d done & would be twisting myself in knots to avoid getting the silent treatment or being yelled at.

Once I finally got out I had no self confidence left & it took me a long time to recover.

Ignore the ND conversation, it’s not relevant to your situation. What matters is that you block this bloke NOW and never look back.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 22/12/2025 15:02

This guy has absolutely no idea how to conduct a relationship. He's trying to use the 'my hob is broken, you broke it,' to get you back just to prove that you DIDN'T break it. It's an adult equivalent of the boys who pull girls hair in the playground to get their attention.

He is dreadful. Truly dreadful. His behaviour is just so awful that I am struggling to see whatever you might have seen in him that made him dateworthy in the first place. Please, OP, please, send him a 'cease and desist' message and block his number. Buy yourself some lovely food, hole yourself up at home with some crappy Christmas films and heal.

You would honestly be better off getting a cat than putting up with this bloke. Hell, even a hamster would be an improvement.

Blades2 · 22/12/2025 15:08

My boyfriend hates food shopping too. He will generally do it online too, ESPECIALLY for the days I am at his house. So there’s the first red flag. He knew you were coming yet decided to bring you to an environment he doesn’t like, which is probably 100x busier than it usually is. Dick.

why was he prancing around pawing at you like a horny 15 year old in the supermarket? Does supermarkets give him the horn? That’s just fucking odd behaviour. Second red flag.

thirdly, silent treatment is the biggest ick going.
please go home away from this idiot, asap.

Princessfluffy · 22/12/2025 15:20

Eeewww. Congrats OP on choosing not to be in a relationship with this creepy weirdo.

IAmKerplunk · 22/12/2025 15:24

Princessfluffy · 22/12/2025 15:20

Eeewww. Congrats OP on choosing not to be in a relationship with this creepy weirdo.

Well she hasn’t yet. She is still engaging with him 🤦🏽‍♀️

CohensDiamondTeeth · 22/12/2025 15:25

@Sadly11 Have you told him to get proper fucked and blocked him yet?

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 22/12/2025 15:29

OP, he is not a functional person! He can't shop for food and now he can't use a hob without a meltdown. Please, see how far from functional it is and stop engaging with him! He needs carers and therapists that can help him navigate the world like an autonomous adult, and until it happens he can't have a girlfriend.

IndolentCat · 22/12/2025 15:30

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 11:57

Curveball- I hadn’t blocked yet was going to wait till I got home to send a short message and block. He messaged asking if I was on the train, I didn’t answer and then he called me twice which I didn’t answer, he messaged saying it was really important so I answered and he said his hob wasn’t working and did I do something to do it when I was cleaning it, I replied no just wiped it down and then went through a tunnel so lost signal

he then accused me of hanging up on him, said it was important I tell him. I said no again just wiped it down (it was covered in grease) he replied “You did something. It’s not coincidence is it”

and then went onto explain he was messaging me to tell me how wrong this feels and he shouldn’t have let me go then he tried to turn the oven on and it wasn’t working. That I seem like I want to absolve myself, and not hear from him ever again, that he was going to beg to come and get me and love me but now he has to fix his cooker and that I should try to care a bit.

I explained again that I didn’t do anything to do it and asked what made him change his mind (I know I should not have done this)

he said he didn’t break up with me, he was just furious and upset but now he’s more concerned about the cooker and if that makes him a selfish prick then so be it.

I responded and asked again why the sudden change and why he didn’t say anything before instead of ignoring me for 2 days and he’s not replied. I know I should not have done that, I’ve slept 3 hours in 2 days, cried constantly and not eaten for 2 days.

this is all just a head fuck

It IS all just a headfuck. It’s his way of drawing you back so he can subject you to more abusive behaviour. And look, everything in his life that’s wrong is going to be your fault. Stick to your guns here, he is not going to improve and the way you’ve felt over the last couple of days is EXACTLY how you’ll feel more often than not if you agree to continue the relationship.

Alone is better than with this guy.

Grapewrath · 22/12/2025 15:33

My abusive ex could have written these messsges.
This fucker is not even a red flag, he’s walking red bunting. Fuck him off.
if you don’t, you will really regret it and I guarantee that

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 15:35

CohensDiamondTeeth · 22/12/2025 15:25

@Sadly11 Have you told him to get proper fucked and blocked him yet?

Yes I sent him a break up text and immediately blocked

OP posts:
EmpressaurusKitty · 22/12/2025 15:37

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 15:35

Yes I sent him a break up text and immediately blocked

And that’s the best birthday present you could have given yourself.

WELL DONE & I hope things keep getting better from here.

Cosyblankets · 22/12/2025 15:39

Dear (ex) boyfriend
Our relationship ended when you molested me in a supermarket
Please do not contact me again

Thedownwardspiralpath · 22/12/2025 15:40

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 15:35

Yes I sent him a break up text and immediately blocked

I really hope you have.

ContentedAlpaca · 22/12/2025 15:43

krustykittens · 22/12/2025 12:20

It's not a fucking curve ball, OP, he is doing EXACTLY what I said he would do, two days ago. As soon as you stop pandering to his abusive behaviour, he turns the charm back on to get you back. Except even now, this man is trying to find something to beat you over the head with while doing so (the hob). Can you imagine how abusive he would be if you lived together?! For fucks sake, BLOCK!

Absolutely this. He will throw every trick in the book at you until something sticks. Men like this follow a script and what he is doing is absolutely classic and predictable.

climbintheback · 22/12/2025 15:44

This is fecking nuts

climbintheback · 22/12/2025 15:45

Get on the next train home!

CohensDiamondTeeth · 22/12/2025 15:46

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 15:35

Yes I sent him a break up text and immediately blocked

Well done! Good for you!

You'll be much happier without him fucking with your head all the time.

Seriously though, call the police if he harasses you and do get some therapy or do the freedom program to help re-establish healthy boundaries.

Have a peaceful rest of your birthday, do something nice for yourself and have a much merrier Christmas without his abusive shite in your life Flowers

CaptainMyCaptain · 22/12/2025 15:47

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 15:35

Yes I sent him a break up text and immediately blocked

Well done.

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