Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For leaving my boyfriend in the frozen isle

747 replies

Sadly11 · 21/12/2025 15:27

I came to stay with him for the week to spend Christmas together (3 hours by train) Yesterday we went food shopping because he didn’t have any food in. He’s always been very clear that food shopping is super triggering for him so normally he orders online but this week he hadn’t and we were starving.

On the way he even joked that this could end badly and we might break up. Haha. Because nothing says comedy like foreshadowing your own relationship ending in the frozen isle

Anyway, we get there and he’s acting manic. He kept grabbing my chest, pulling my skirt up (not fully but still uncomfortable) he’s making gestures with his penis and making inappropriate comments, there were kids around. People noticed. Embarrassing doesn’t even cover it. I told him to stop, and he countered with loudly accusing me of being embarrassed of him which just drew more attention.

I tried to soldier on because maybe this is his coping mechanism. We’re almost done, he asks a question about which salmon we should choose. I zone out. He snaps at me, says you’re supposed to be helping, you know how hard this is for me. I remind him I have been helping but he keeps pushing. People are staring again so I say I’m not having an argument with you in the fish aisle, I will walk out if you don’t stop.

Then in the frozen aisle he snaps again at me because I said I don’t want ice cream and earlier I had said I wanted ice cream. so I just walked out. Left him there with a trolley full of food and walked back to his.
Back at his house he shuts himself away on the sofa. I went to bed alone. Today I try to talk to him, he wants to be left alone and doesn’t want to talk to me, apparently walking out was the worst thing I could have done. I abandoned him in the most triggering environment possible, what I did was shocking to him, he doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me anymore and when pushed if he wants to break up says he said he hasn’t thought about it and just wants to be left alone.
oh and it gets better, it’s my Birthday tomorrow, we had plans for him to take me to dinner, he said he won’t kick me out on my birthday (how lovely) but will continue sleeping on the sofa and I should let him know when he should drop me back off at the station.

He’s currently asleep now on the sofa. What a wonderful birthday present. He’s essentially broken up with me the day before my Birthday. I don’t know the area, it’s far too late to make any plans for either my birthday or Christmas. I don’t know when I’ll go home, I have a parcel coming to his house tomorrow morning and I’m pretty certain I’ll never be back so I think I need to stay here for that and then do the 3 hour train ride back on my Birthday, alone, to then spend Christmas alone. Plus I haven’t slept yet and my eyes are all swollen and puffy from crying so I don’t know if I fancy doing the journey back in this state.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/12/2025 12:42

For goodness sake !
stop engaging with him !!!

send that text, then block / delete.

move on with your life, you can do better - easily.

you say he is mid forties, how old are you ?

Abitofalark · 22/12/2025 12:44

Nevernonono · 21/12/2025 16:23

This is unbelievable

Do men do really do this in supermarkets (without being slung out, arrested...?, never mind the follow up message, He'd write that? And the 'isle' in the thread title and note this remarkable sentence: "Because nothing says comedy like foreshadowing your own relationship ending in the frozen isle?" Many other 'mysteries...'

SpinandSing · 22/12/2025 12:45

Oh, you poor thing. You need to know that you're not going to get any climbdown or validation from him that this whole situation was nuts. Please be strong in yourself - you haven't done anything wrong. You can't change him - this is your biggest warning and gift to get the hell out of the relationship and away from him. Do you have a good network of support back home? Did you grow up with narcissists or have no experience of this behaviour at all? His behaviour is shocking but I fear this isn't the last you've heard of him. Do not get drawn back in. Establish boundaries for yourself.

Do you use Chat GPT? It's amazing for helping you through situations like this where you need to be strong and need reassurance.

MysteryNameChange · 22/12/2025 12:45

The accusing you of breaking the hob/oven really reminds me of my abusive ex. He'd make a mad accusation when I stopped engaging with his bullshit and it worked for a while because I'd try and prove I hadn't don't anything wrong. When I stopped engaging with that tactic he started stalking and harassing me so do be careful.

Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas, the best gift ever is not spending it with a mental and angry man.

Millytante · 22/12/2025 12:46

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 12:00

Please knock some sense into me

I’d stop short of knocking sense into you, but I’m sure I’d give you damn good shake now.
At this point, any further mind games and acquired emotional injury from this pathetic git of a man are in a sense your own responsibility, now you’ve actually left.
You can prevent him confusing and accusing you very easily, yet you are keeping the communication channel open! Why?
Are you eager for some scrap of remorse or acknowledgement of his guilt? Even if these were forthcoming they'd not be worth the effort it took to type them.
He is insincere, and you need to remind yourself that his priority is always his own comfort and freedom from pressures, with a piquant side dish of female abasement.

He is quite incapable of straight dealing with you: he’s already trying to negate the split, and involve you in a stupid domestic issue, and all the while at the he’s still obsessed with tarring and feathering you as the cause of all his problems through your selfish (🙄) abandonment of a man who requires you attention. Can’t you see what he is now, and what his game is?

His satisfaction comes from dismantling your sense of self and your trust in objective reality, so that you are as good as enslaved to him and dependent on him to mediate the world around you.
If he says it’s raining when it’s a very sunny day, that is the fact you live by. Any divergence from that rule is cast as causing him extreme mental distress, so your constant concern is keeping him regulated according to his imaginary requirements.
Nothing you have written indicated any affection, any happy times, any laughter with him. It’s all the management of quirks, demands, and volatile moods.
Couldn’t you have just borrowed a friend’s teething baby, or tantrum-driven two-year old, and saved yourself the train fares?

Why you haven't been exhaling all morning in enormous relief at having at last got away from this misbegotten relationship, I can’t imagine.
As for even giving headspace to his ridiculous message? Well 🤷🏼‍♀️

Come ON, girl. What makes you eager to concern yourself any further with this twat? Isn’t his thorough wrongness enough to put you off?

LadyKedleston · 22/12/2025 12:48

He is trying to manipulate you.

Do you want the rest of your life to be like this?

Beachtastic · 22/12/2025 12:49

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 11:57

Curveball- I hadn’t blocked yet was going to wait till I got home to send a short message and block. He messaged asking if I was on the train, I didn’t answer and then he called me twice which I didn’t answer, he messaged saying it was really important so I answered and he said his hob wasn’t working and did I do something to do it when I was cleaning it, I replied no just wiped it down and then went through a tunnel so lost signal

he then accused me of hanging up on him, said it was important I tell him. I said no again just wiped it down (it was covered in grease) he replied “You did something. It’s not coincidence is it”

and then went onto explain he was messaging me to tell me how wrong this feels and he shouldn’t have let me go then he tried to turn the oven on and it wasn’t working. That I seem like I want to absolve myself, and not hear from him ever again, that he was going to beg to come and get me and love me but now he has to fix his cooker and that I should try to care a bit.

I explained again that I didn’t do anything to do it and asked what made him change his mind (I know I should not have done this)

he said he didn’t break up with me, he was just furious and upset but now he’s more concerned about the cooker and if that makes him a selfish prick then so be it.

I responded and asked again why the sudden change and why he didn’t say anything before instead of ignoring me for 2 days and he’s not replied. I know I should not have done that, I’ve slept 3 hours in 2 days, cried constantly and not eaten for 2 days.

this is all just a head fuck

OK so the guy I mentioned upthread was rather like this. Just before he tried to kill someone! Furious blame like this is so irrational it points to deeper problems.

SophieJo · 22/12/2025 12:49

Throwmoneyatit · 22/12/2025 12:30

You want sense knocking into you? Let's do this from the beginning.

  1. He asked for help with shopping as HE had FAILED to do it online.
  2. HE then acted OUTRAGEOUSLY in the shop and EXPECTED YOU to just put up with it.
  3. He then basically gave you the SILENT TREATMENT because you have boundaries and used them.
  4. He has made you the villain from a failure that he created.
  5. He has let you CRY infront of him with NO consideration for your feelings. You are crying due to his actions.
  6. He has cancelled Xmas because of HIS failures and inability to behave like an adult.
  7. He has FORCED you to use your birthday to travel back.
  8. He has BLAMED you for breaking his oven.

Do you need any more sense knocking into you? The first 3 should be more than enough to go on.

Get rid of him. You can get someone so, so much better and if you choose not to look into another relationship, you'll be much happier being single. No tears, no anxiety, no second guessing. That, is worth its weight in gold. Sending hugs x

Couldn’t have put it better myself!
I hope after reading this you have blocked him and deleted all contact numbers.

strongermummy · 22/12/2025 12:50

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 22/12/2025 12:11

He didn’t think you would actually leave.

He wanted you to beg for forgiveness.

That’s what made him change his mind. Not some sort if self realisation.

Now that hasn’t worked, he is going to try another tactic to keep you subservient to him. That is why it is a head fuck - he is doing this to keep you off balance as he senses he is losing control.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Mute his messages, and enjoy your freedom. Well done on getting out.

Edited

This.

block this man
Arrange some therapy
move in with your life
enjoy some freedom and time without such a twat of a man child

PsychoHotSauce · 22/12/2025 12:51

It's ok. Posters are being short with you but I've been at the mindfuck stage and I can see what he's doing. This is the bit you need to read over and over again:

"and then went onto explain he was messaging me to tell me how wrong this feels and he shouldn’t have let me go then he tried to turn the oven on and it wasn’t working. That I seem like I want to absolve myself, and not hear from him ever again, that he was going to beg to come and get me and love me but now he has to fix his cooker and that I should try to care a bit."

Translation: I was going to do this grand gesture straight out of a Hallmark movie having punished you for days... but now I suspect you of breaking my hob out of spite and I've decided you don't deserve forgiveness. In reality I didn't expect you to leave so I'm going to pretend this is what I was going to do, and now I have an excuse to punish you all over again and make you subconsciously believe that if only you hadn't cleaned his cooker and made some grave error in cleaning (!!) that had broken it, everything would be fine and back to normal and your birthday wouldn't be ruined. This is all your fault. All of it.

His hob is not broken. I hope you know that. I would bet all my christmas presents that this is a fabrication designed to throw you into yet another cycle of feeling guilty and apologising. Do Not Engage.

dapsnotplimsolls · 22/12/2025 12:51

He's a manipulative shit. Tell him it's over and block him.

TidyCyan · 22/12/2025 12:52

Come on, woman. He literally only got in touch because he wants you to help sort out his (nonexistent) hob issue to prove you care and he is a big manchild. Tell him to call a domestic appliance repairman and then FUCK OFF.

ShawnaMacallister · 22/12/2025 12:54

Stop engaging with him! This is madness. Block him, have a few days of crying and drinking wine and pull yourself together. I promise you will look back on this disbelieving at what you put up with.

Catpuss66 · 22/12/2025 13:00

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 12:00

Please knock some sense into me

Said he would try blame you for everything. Block him now you cannot allow this person to invade your brain, next thing you know he will be asking for money to mend the hob you broke. He is only treating you badly because you are allowing him to.

Easytoconfuse · 22/12/2025 13:04

TidyCyan · 22/12/2025 12:52

Come on, woman. He literally only got in touch because he wants you to help sort out his (nonexistent) hob issue to prove you care and he is a big manchild. Tell him to call a domestic appliance repairman and then FUCK OFF.

Edited

Because nothing says 'I love you' like fixing a man's oven, does it? Normal men say it with flowers and chocolates and make a fuss on your birthday, and if they loathe shopping at Christmas, then they make sure they get their order in early and use this thing known as a freezer.

He's got to 40 without starving to death, so I'm sure he'll be fine. Meanwhile, the OP needs to get home and get her Christmas and birthday sorted out. One thing I can guarantee is that her next supermarket shop will be better. I hope this is rock bottom before an upswing in the New Year.

Frankiecat2 · 22/12/2025 13:05

I’ve just skipped to the end really.

He’s mentally ill, OP. And that’s the kindest explanation for his behaviour.

I’m glad you’ve left. If it were me, I’d not look back

Marmite1992 · 22/12/2025 13:07

Aren't his messages a massive ick? He's completely bonkers and abusive. Block and in a few years you'll have a funny story

Hollietree · 22/12/2025 13:22

Frankiecat2 · 22/12/2025 13:05

I’ve just skipped to the end really.

He’s mentally ill, OP. And that’s the kindest explanation for his behaviour.

I’m glad you’ve left. If it were me, I’d not look back

Exactly. This man’s behaviour is so wildly outside the norm that he must be having some kind of mental health breakdown.

And it is not your job to fix him!

Iwasneverafan · 22/12/2025 13:23

Happy Birthday OP 🫶🏻
Seriously, do yourself a huge favour and stop engaging with this nutter.
Tell him it’s over and block him immediately; he’s fucking cuckoo 😵‍💫

mummytrex · 22/12/2025 13:28

Honestly one final message to him. "Please do not contact me again." Then block. I understand you're sad, but life is too short to be treated like this.

There is absolutely NO excuse for his behaviour and treatment of you. The reasons he has given are absolute rubbish. He is manipulating you and trying to get you on the back foot. He is a fully grown man. If being triggered by grocery shopping elicits this behaviour, what on earth would happen in a period of turmoil or stress?

The fact he may have mental health issues,is not a get out of free jail card. It isn't your job to placate and /or save him.

He has shown you very clearly the type of person that he is. If you rekindle things:

  1. You're confirming to him that he can behave like this without him taking any accountability (you'll be the whipping post as you'll always be the one in the wrong regardless of how vile or batshit his behaviour is) and that you'll take it regardless.
  1. You've already said you've had similar episodes in the past. This will become your life with you walking on eggshells trying not to trigger him.
  1. He will absolutely destroy YOUR mental health.

Honestly you deserve better. Get some counselling and set bohndaries for future relationships. Start 2026 single and have a great year.

Heronwatcher · 22/12/2025 13:30

This. Man. Is. Mad.

How can you be offering him a chance to talk you round at the same time as he is accusing you of deliberately sabotaging his hob?

Have either of you used drugs in the past? As he sounds incredibly volatile and paranoid, you sound like your standards are so low you may as well be in Australia.

Theres no future here, just get yourself home and block him. Consider asking your GP for a referral for counselling/ CBT as accepting this absolute madness is not normal.

Heronwatcher · 22/12/2025 13:33

Oh and he was never going to come and get you and apologise. The hob is an excuse.

MamaBanana12 · 22/12/2025 13:34

Dude this guy is nuts. Block and forget.

Devuelta81 · 22/12/2025 13:35

This guy is crazy @Sadly11. Manipulative and gaslighting - he is playing with your head and doing it deliberately. He clearly has deep problems but it's not on you to fix them.

I had one just like this, when I finally left after three years of it I looked back at incidents just like this and wondered why the fuck I hadn't gone then. Don't be like me - go now and don't look back! I would block him if I were you.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 22/12/2025 13:42

Sadly11 · 22/12/2025 12:00

Please knock some sense into me

Gladly. What is wrong with you? Why are you still engaging with this nonsense?!

Block, delete and move on with your life, ffs.

Swipe left for the next trending thread