For leaving my boyfriend in the frozen isle

[Sadly11]

I came to stay with him for the week to spend Christmas together (3 hours by train) Yesterday we went food shopping because he didn’t have any food in. He’s always been very clear that food shopping is super triggering for him so normally he orders online but this week he hadn’t and we were starving.

On the way he even joked that this could end badly and we might break up. Haha. Because nothing says comedy like foreshadowing your own relationship ending in the frozen isle

Anyway, we get there and he’s acting manic. He kept grabbing my chest, pulling my skirt up (not fully but still uncomfortable) he’s making gestures with his penis and making inappropriate comments, there were kids around. People noticed. Embarrassing doesn’t even cover it. I told him to stop, and he countered with loudly accusing me of being embarrassed of him which just drew more attention.

I tried to soldier on because maybe this is his coping mechanism. We’re almost done, he asks a question about which salmon we should choose. I zone out. He snaps at me, says you’re supposed to be helping, you know how hard this is for me. I remind him I have been helping but he keeps pushing. People are staring again so I say I’m not having an argument with you in the fish aisle, I will walk out if you don’t stop.

Then in the frozen aisle he snaps again at me because I said I don’t want ice cream and earlier I had said I wanted ice cream. so I just walked out. Left him there with a trolley full of food and walked back to his.
Back at his house he shuts himself away on the sofa. I went to bed alone. Today I try to talk to him, he wants to be left alone and doesn’t want to talk to me, apparently walking out was the worst thing I could have done. I abandoned him in the most triggering environment possible, what I did was shocking to him, he doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me anymore and when pushed if he wants to break up says he said he hasn’t thought about it and just wants to be left alone.
oh and it gets better, it’s my Birthday tomorrow, we had plans for him to take me to dinner, he said he won’t kick me out on my birthday (how lovely) but will continue sleeping on the sofa and I should let him know when he should drop me back off at the station.

He’s currently asleep now on the sofa. What a wonderful birthday present. He’s essentially broken up with me the day before my Birthday. I don’t know the area, it’s far too late to make any plans for either my birthday or Christmas. I don’t know when I’ll go home, I have a parcel coming to his house tomorrow morning and I’m pretty certain I’ll never be back so I think I need to stay here for that and then do the 3 hour train ride back on my Birthday, alone, to then spend Christmas alone. Plus I haven’t slept yet and my eyes are all swollen and puffy from crying so I don’t know if I fancy doing the journey back in this state.

Glad to read that you’re safely home@Sadly11. Hopefully you’ll never hear from this freak again.

Glad to hear you are safe @Sadly11 .

I would be quite curious to hear how he explains his outrageous behaviour in the supermarket and his managing to get himself together enough to actually finish the shop and pay but honestly maybe that's just gonna be an additional headache for you. So probably best to just block and move on. Not like you're gonna see him again so just put it down to experience.

Good. And make sure you don't go back.

Distract yourself over the next couple of weeks with nice things so you don't let him get back in your head.

Ah, good woman yourself! Excellent news.
Let this be an end of it; wash this man right out of your hair.

If you’re feeling shell-shocked back in your house again after your special week began a bit differently from the imagined one, why not keep your thread going just for any old chat; maybe tv recommendations, meal ideas, where to hear carols, etc etc. Anything.
Anyway, you've a lot of people here who are willing you to be ok, so remember you are not alone, including on Christmas Day.

Ignore my previous message about curiously asking him about his behaviour...that was too much.

His recent response about the oven just confounds his poor mental health.

Glad you have blocked him. And glad you are safe .

Compounds not confounds.

Even though it’s spoilt your birthday & Christmas you’ve had a very lucky escape if he has dumped you, the only disappointing thing is you gave him the opportunity to. You should have gone back to his flat & for straight out of there & back home. Do you really want a life like this. Where you can’t go anywhere fearing this kind of reaction?

The Spanish have a saying that sums this up "major sola que mala acompanada" - better alone than in bad company. Get yourself the makings of a delicious lunch, doesn't have to be christmas fare, dig out or buy cosy socks and pj's, watch some comedies and realise that you are well-rid. New year, new luck!

Happy birthday OP. And if it helps, post here on Xmas day. You will have the support of many women who are celebrating you getting rid of a strange and controlling perverted creep.

I have worked in mental health for decades. Groping a woman is not a coping strategy for anxiety.

In my breakup message I sent I told him that his behavior, sexually harassing me and humiliating me publicly was not okay. I needed him to understand that, even if only for my own closure. I also addressed the gaslighting and the way he ignored me. I then told him I was blocking him. I sent it to my friend to proof read before I sent it and had confirmation it was clear with points explained well.

Jesus now he’s since emailed me 3 times asking “Sorry, to be clear, does blocked mean broken up with?” “It means leave me the fuck alone. It’s over. Yes?” And “I’d really appreciate him understanding that. I clearly don’t pick up on social cues, clearly”

Can this day just be over with!!!

I would send one email reply:

Yes, it's over.
Do not contact me ever again.

And then block him on everything.

OP, I'm glad you are away from this idiot but I'm concerned that you initial reaction was to worry yourself senseless that YOU had done something wrong, and to spend 4 hours cleaning his home.

How long have you been together and is this the first time he has shown any signs of this awful behaviour before?

I hope you manage to salvage yourself a calm and peaceful Christmas then look forward to a new year free of this gaslighting arsehole.

Well you haven’t been clear really, have you? Nowhere in that text do you say you told him you were finishing with him? Why else would he be seeking clarification?

Lucky escape op.
Dont go back

Somewhere back in the depths of this thread I posted about the wording I was advised to use by the police when I was telling an ex in no uncertain terms to leave me the fuck alone.

You need to be REALLY clear that it is HARASSMENT if he continues to contact you and you will report him to the police if he contacts you again.

You need to take control of the situation and stop being passive. I know it’s hard but there’s pages and pages of support and people saying the same thing and you are ignoring it.

Wow OP he’s a walking talking giant red flag! Once you’ve had time to breathe a little take a moment to thank any deity you believe in that he showed his true colours nice and early.

To put it more succinctly- he’s a fucking nut job!

He’s a prize chump. Stop wasting your life with him, you deserve so much more.

This.

He knows how has been an abusive dickhead. The "confusion" is designed to get you on the back foot and reel you back in to give him another chance. Don't fall for it. Keep it short and snappy. Don't engage/reason with him.

I think you need to respond in a business like way with no emotion.

"Yes I am confirming we have split up. I do not want to be contacted by you in any way now or in the future, which includes by phone, in person, by text or any other possible way, which includes through other people."

It really angers me he is pulling the ND card to be honest, and I'm on the pathway to be diagnosed with a severely autistic non-verbal son, who may unintentionally be inappropriate as he gets older. Even if he is, he is not ready to be in a relationship.

FWIW an abusive dickhead thought it was great to dump me on Valentine's day, so I basically left and never went back which he seemed quite shocked about (then stalked me for a while before I blocked him). Don't feed the drama llama. He won't change.

Block him in email as well.

Seriously?

On a thread with an upset woman coming to terms with the fact she's with an abusive arsehole?

Don't be such a twat. It's not ok.

Mark his emails as spam and don't open them. If you can block them, even better.

There is no reason for you to continue to reply to him other than you actually wanting to and I'm assuming you don't.