For leaving my boyfriend in the frozen isle

[Sadly11]

I came to stay with him for the week to spend Christmas together (3 hours by train) Yesterday we went food shopping because he didn’t have any food in. He’s always been very clear that food shopping is super triggering for him so normally he orders online but this week he hadn’t and we were starving.

On the way he even joked that this could end badly and we might break up. Haha. Because nothing says comedy like foreshadowing your own relationship ending in the frozen isle

Anyway, we get there and he’s acting manic. He kept grabbing my chest, pulling my skirt up (not fully but still uncomfortable) he’s making gestures with his penis and making inappropriate comments, there were kids around. People noticed. Embarrassing doesn’t even cover it. I told him to stop, and he countered with loudly accusing me of being embarrassed of him which just drew more attention.

I tried to soldier on because maybe this is his coping mechanism. We’re almost done, he asks a question about which salmon we should choose. I zone out. He snaps at me, says you’re supposed to be helping, you know how hard this is for me. I remind him I have been helping but he keeps pushing. People are staring again so I say I’m not having an argument with you in the fish aisle, I will walk out if you don’t stop.

Then in the frozen aisle he snaps again at me because I said I don’t want ice cream and earlier I had said I wanted ice cream. so I just walked out. Left him there with a trolley full of food and walked back to his.
Back at his house he shuts himself away on the sofa. I went to bed alone. Today I try to talk to him, he wants to be left alone and doesn’t want to talk to me, apparently walking out was the worst thing I could have done. I abandoned him in the most triggering environment possible, what I did was shocking to him, he doesn’t want to talk to me, doesn’t want to spend Christmas with me anymore and when pushed if he wants to break up says he said he hasn’t thought about it and just wants to be left alone.
oh and it gets better, it’s my Birthday tomorrow, we had plans for him to take me to dinner, he said he won’t kick me out on my birthday (how lovely) but will continue sleeping on the sofa and I should let him know when he should drop me back off at the station.

He’s currently asleep now on the sofa. What a wonderful birthday present. He’s essentially broken up with me the day before my Birthday. I don’t know the area, it’s far too late to make any plans for either my birthday or Christmas. I don’t know when I’ll go home, I have a parcel coming to his house tomorrow morning and I’m pretty certain I’ll never be back so I think I need to stay here for that and then do the 3 hour train ride back on my Birthday, alone, to then spend Christmas alone. Plus I haven’t slept yet and my eyes are all swollen and puffy from crying so I don’t know if I fancy doing the journey back in this state.

There are men you should walk away from and there are men you should run away from as fast as you can. He is in the latter category. Now I know nobody is truly normal but do you really want a man who is so traumatised by the supermarket he molests you in the frozen food aisle in what sounds like an utterly gross manner? This is a man who gives you the silent treatment after humiliating you in public.

You know that everybody that saw his performance likely thought two things - they felt sorry for you and wondered why you put up with it. Now he's obsessed with his hob - Freud would have a field day with this. I actually had to look up helicoptering. There are nice normal men who don't threaten to twirl their willy in the supermarket, treat you nicely and are not obsessed with their knob/hob.

I often wonder what my late mother would have done when I am faced with a dilemma. I suspect if some man in the supermarket grabbed her chest and tried to lift up her skirt while making "penis gestures" she would have told him exactly what she thought of him and if he persisted in assaulting her, she had very mean right. (Her brother was a keen amateur boxer.) By the way, I can't imagine for a minute her spending four hours cleaning the house for a sulky boyfriend in those circumstances. In the nicest possible way, you sound far too tolerant and forgiving.

I hope you manage to salvage something of Christmas for yourself. Cook a nice meal and try to connect with family and friends. Help out at a soup kitchen Christmas dinner if you want to feel grateful for your lot. I do remember breaking up with somebody just before Christmas and it was miserable. I resolved then and there I was sick of exciting, unreliable men and I was going to make better choices and priortise different sorts of men. I have been happily married for over 30 years to a wonderful man and my Christmases are much better.

The hob is obviously fine. He's just using it as an excuse to make you talk to him, make you feel guilty and gaslight you. He's a manipulative bully and unhinged (a word often used on here, but really applies in this case). STOP engaging with him. You've already given him far too much of your precious time. I'd go as far as saying he's unsafe to be around.

He's going to end up in jail and the sex offenders' list if he keeps publicly exposing himself or making gestures with his penis in front of kids. Add in multiple public sexual assaults.

This is deviant and criminal behaviour. Do you want to enable any of this by sticking around? Do you like the idea of dealing with the police and the judicial system for enabling this behaviour?

Dealing with his shit is way over your pay grade. Block.

This is classic DARVO. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a personality disorder either.
This is a gift OP. Don’t look back.

Aisle

This isn't being ND.

I mean it could easily be Greggggg Wallace, but it isn't someone with autism.

Dumping someone on their birthday is classic abusive behaviour.

Just stop responding to him. It really is that simple. You will never convince him you are right so why waste the energy? It’s hard to stop arguing back if you have done it before but really it is actually freeing.

You can’t argue with stupid (learned that on here) so stop trying.

Ok @Sadly11 you asked us to knock some sense into you so

1. He lives 3 hours train journey away so you spent good money to go visit yet he didn't even get food in, didn't think to organize a delivery. I'm willing to bet he isn't good at keeping his life in order day to day. Do you want to spend your life being the person who ends up doing all the practical things in your lives ?
2. He embarrasses you then has a go at you because you're embarrassed, that's outrageous. He's 40 yet he takes no responsability for his actions, he's lucky he hasn't been arrested for lewd behaviour, when he is that will be your fault too.
3. A pp said her 24 yr old DS has similar problems but he knows he's not ready for a GF yet and is working hard to manage his conditions better, yet you have a 40 yr old whose made no effort, who hasn't tried to be better. How much older will he have to be before he improves and stops blaming you? The answer is he won't, he'll be older but no wiser.
4. He's abusive @Sadly11 , you've cried for days because he behaved so badly. Stop worrying about him, he's not your concern anymore. You need this manchild like a hole in your head.
5. Go home, message him goodbye, have a good birthday and a lovely Christmas. Never, ever take him back. Not your circus, not your monkey

He’s unhinged, manipulative and unstable. Honestly, you don’t owe this man anything. What are you getting from this relationship? Don’t let him drag you back in, his reaction was wrong and he’s only backtracking because you haven’t fallen for his manipulation and attempts to be the victim. Don’t let him try and sweep over his behaviour and make things right, if he was really sorry and didn’t want to lose you he could have talked to you like an adult after the event. You don’t need a partner who is only capable of communicating via text, there is no future here.

THIS MAN IS BAT SHIT CRAZY!

Op going to brutal route, what in the ever loving fuck are you doing?

This man is clearly not good for you in any way shape or form?

If you had a daughter who came home and told you this story about her BF what advice would you be giving her?

RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK!

OP how desperate for a man are you that you would consider continuing this weird, toxic relationship for one more second?! Are you THAT desperate? Oh and the hob thing is fake, just a reason to contact you to try to draw you back in while having an excuse to continue to beat you with a stick

This man gives me and everyone else the gigantic ICK. Fucking man child. He’s like an Andrew Tate. He thinks he can rub his cock on you in a shop!?! That he’s ok for doing that.

He told you 'I don’t care if I dropped my pants and helicoptered my knob in the veg aisle, you doing that was fucking shocking to me. However minor and unimportant it no doubt is to you. So I remain fuvking furious and upset, and, for the last time, shattered. Can I be left alone now'

Message him back with something similar:

The way you have treated me the past few days has been unacceptable. However minor and unimportant it no doubt is to you. I am fucking furious. I deserve better. I don't want to see or hear from you again. Can I be left alone now.

Then block

Unfortunately some people are that desperate to not be on their own. You see it played out time and time again on Mumsnet. They haven’t learned how to enjoy their own company or have any sense of self worth. Being with someone is better than being with no one for some people. All these fairy tales women grow up believing - life is only complete if you meet a man. Any man 🤦🏽‍♀️

Yikes! Fuck the oven! Tell him that after he sexually assaulted you in a public place any attraction you felt towards him disappeared instantly and you’re moving on. All he ever does is think about himself! Nothing you’ve written shows any feelings or respect for you or guilt about the way he’s treated you. He’s lucky someone didn’t call the police.

To paraphrase Gandalf the Grey.

"Run, you fool."

Seriously? Oh please. You are as batshit as he is.

What have I just read?

I fully believe this is true and I fully believe you are with an incompetent drip. He doesn't sound like he has any redeeming features or any respect for you.

So I would focus on having a nice, peaceful Christmas away from him. Have all the salmon and ice cream you want (or not).

Sometimes it just boils down to whether a person gives you peace or not and this man-child just sounds like a nightmare.

How'd you work that out?

He sexually assaulted you in the supermarket, that is pretty much the worst thing anyone could do to you.

The biggest gift to yourself for your birthday is to dump him

Why are you with this monster??

You poor thing - get out of this relationship now!!

He’s a barking mad, abusive fuckwit!

I see some people suggest he might be ND. I say this as someone who is ND and who has two sons who are also ND. I’m going to say it loud and clear.

IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER

YOU CAN BE AUTISTIC AND A FUCKING PRICK

Block and move on. Don’t engage with him again. Someone suggested that people will treat you as badly as you let them. This is very true. This was a test so see he can treat you badly. He wanted you to beg forgiveness while you were there but now you’ve “held a boundary” (badly but still held) and he’s trying to reel you back. Save yourself a shit ton of misery and block him NOW

No I'm really not. I talked about the people I know who are ND and able to hold down jobs and relationships, as I assume OP's ex is. I also have known a few people with ND and additional issues at the level where a job, relationship, even being able to talk etc is beyond them.

Those people who are ND at the level you are talking about are not likely to be able to hold down a full time job or a relationship of the kind that you or I might be able to have right?

So yes I understand that there are levels of ND where they literally aren't able to control their behaviour and may not understand even what groping is. That is clearly not the OP's ex though!

People who are excusing (and it is excusing it!) the OP's ex's behaviour by explaining it away as "definitely ND!" behaviour are minimising what is actually happening - it is abuse! - and are harming people who are ND and are able to function at the level where we are able to have jobs, relationships etc.

It's also really unhelpful to the OP who clearly is having an issue with her boundaries, people telling her the ex is ND is just giving the ex another stick to use against her isn't it? "He can't help it, random people on the internet told me that sort of behaviour is ND" Nope, it really is just an abusive man being abusive!

Op their is fuck all wrong with his oven ,he sounds like he lives for the drama and likes making u dance to his tune .

Block the twat. Don't engage any further. Let him sort out his own bloody hob. And if he has messaged to "come and get you and love you" then ignore that as well. At most, "No." Then block.