I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

[NannyNinn]

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

I've just read you look after the children at weekends too!!! When do your daughters actually do some parenting, you are being taken for a right royal ride.

Just text them - I'm finding the childcare too much commitment. From January I will be available for childcare Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday term time. During the holidays I will commit to 3 days a week, not more, and not every week.
Don't tell them it's so that you can see your son that's almost irrelevant, you want to live your life.
You're giving them plenty of notice, I never had one day of childcare when my children were young and only odd hours when they were 6 plus, it's not influenced how I feel about my parents or parents in law, do not be bullied.
Get your life back.

Have I understood this correctly? You are working as a full time year round nanny (no one would be employed on such terms) AND you are actually giving them money as well? Incredible. Your daughters don't know they're born. I presume (since they don't look after their own kids) that your daughters work, and their husbands also? How on earth can they justify this state of affairs, never mind threaten you with all sorts for asking for a slight reprieve?
im not suggesting this would be easy to do but I'd be tempted to say this attitude has upset you so much you don't feel you can continue at all for the time being. Then take yourself to London to visit your son, followed by a nice long cruise or something that you enjoy. Revisit the ground rules when you're back and they've had a chance to appreciate what they're getting.

Oh op I'm so sorry for you.

But this appears to be about the relationship you have with your daughters. Has it always been like this? Have they always had the upper hand?
I think you need to tell them, in the nicest way, that you are going to have a long weekend off ( at least 3 days, maybe 4).
They are using emotional blackmail and its showing them in a very poor light.
You obviously don't want a shouting match or a fallout, so I'd deliver your intentions gently but firmly. If they respond with anger or threats to ask new wife again, well, let them do it but keep calm and don't upset yourself.

I know its easy for others to tell you to stand up to them ( I sort of have a similar relationship with my daughter 😐 but she isn't quite as extreme).
Like me, you love your grandchildren, but you have to think of your own needs.
Good luck 🙏

Maybe they have a sneaking suspicion you prefer his family to either of theirs.

This is perfect!

That's unfair. Anyone who chooses to prioritise one child over the other like that has made the relationship they experience. If they're closer for help flowing one way they're closer the other way too .

I can't believe your daughters are so mean and entitled.
We have adult children with children too and lend a hand regularly ( one day a week for each family) and in emergencies, usually kid sickness.
Our children are extremely appreciative and I can't imagine how I'd feel if they took advantage of us in the way your girls have you.
Be strong. And good luck!

It sounds to me like your daughters created a situation to keep you from spending time with your son and his children. Don’t let them get away with it. Tell them you’re new schedule and be firm. It will feel good! If they say all or nothing then so be it.

As if their Dad’s new wife is going to agree to be an unpaid nanny to a bunch of children that she isn’t related to. Their threats are groundless OP.

I bet the father’s new wife wouldn’t do it!

There's apparently no end to the - free - help women are expected to give, no matter their own age or personal circumstances and these are OTHER WOMEN who think they should be expected to.
**
It fucking outrages me

It fucking outrages me too.

@NannyNinn you need to read back over your post as though someone else had written it.
Your daughters are spoilt entitled brats. Weaponising your grandchildren by threatening to cut contact if you don't continue the childcare is the lowest of the low. They clearly have very little regard for you and quite honestly sound vile.
Hard as it is, you have to stand up for yourself against this bullying. Tell them calmly that from x (maybe January?) you are going to reduce your childcare to whatever works for you. Don't repeat paying for the substitute care, you do more than enough already.
Call their bluff and see whether their stepmother is really willing to do all you do with 5 unrelated young children. Not a chance!
If you keep letting them walk all over you you have at least 10 years or more of no life of your own, and no choice of what to do with it.

Your daughters are absolutely awful and the way they manipulate you is not acceptable. Threatening to stop you seeing your grandchildren and using the husbands new wife as a threat is really nasty. I am sorry that you are in this situation and hopefully you will be able to get your daughters to see how upsetting this must be for you.

You need to stand up for yourself. You're doing too much. I can't imagine taking care of so many young children, as much as I'd love them all, five days a week all year round. You need to establish boundaries. Get back to them, explain that it's not only that you want to see your son, you also need your time to see friends, do hobbies, travel, and enjoy your retirement. Offer three days a week, regardless of the consequences. They will soon accept the new order and forget you ever did it five days a week before, believe me. They are bullying you. Don't let them.

There is absolutely no way their father and his new wife would take on all the childcare you are doing. Your daughters are being incredibly ungrateful and inconsiderate. Tell them you need more time to yourself and you are not going to do so much. To threaten you with no contact with you GC is disgusting and I don’t see how that helps their cause at all. Just be firm with them.

Don’t offer them anything, tell them! And certainly don’t offer to pay.

Phrase it something like ‘the current arrangements don’t work for me anymore, I can offer you both Monday and Tuesday after school term time and Mondays only during the holidays and that’s it’

don’t say sorry, don’t tell them why or explain yourself. If they say their MIL will cover, simply say ‘oh that’s nice, the dc will enjoy that’ if they say the cat afford it, say ‘I’m sure you’ll sort something out’ if they try to weaponise the dc by saying they’ll stop you seeing them all together say ‘if that’s what you want to do, then ok’. Stop letting them bully you, because that’s exactly what the are doing. You need to be more than fir and stand your ground

Wow your daughters are nasty and gaslighting you. This is your life and not theirs. They need to pull their heads out of their backsides and do their job of parenting. I work full time in a very senior role. I am a single parent. I drop my kids off at school daily and head off to work. I pay someone to collect them 4 days a week and I do the fifth day. Tell your daughters to manage their own responsibilities. Trust me they won’t stop you seeing them, they won’t want to pay for care and the new wife won’t want to deal with that shit either and if she does, she will soon get sick of it. They are gaslighting you and using emotional blackmail and worse, your ex husbands new wife. Fucking nasty!!!!! Put your foot down. Tell them to take the kids off to the new wife, you are off to London.

I know it’s hard but you need boundaries! Tell them you won’t be doing holidays and you won’t be doing drop off and pick up every week. Draw up a rota and tell them what you will do, days and dates. Stick to it. If they don’t like it then you have more free time to do as you want.

I've just read properly OP, you're retired and look after FIVE grandchildren FIVE days a week, plus the occasional weekend and paying for some of their school fees? I'm a good 30 years younger than you and I couldn't manage this!

The entitlement and selfishness of your daughters is off the scale and the threat of you not seeing your grandchildren is emotional blackmail. I highly doubt your daughters who somehow can't manage without your help five days a week, will suddenly be able to manage without you altogether.

This is your life OP and your children don't get to decide how you'll spend your time. Your grandchildren will not be traumatised by going to nursery or holiday club. Honestly the stress of this is probably going to make you ill and then your daughters really will be up shit creek. You need to stand up to yourself now and set boundaries now.

This doesn't sound awful at all. You see your daughters children all the time, you are allowed to have the same close bond with your sons children.

My in laws are very close to my children and in particular my eldest who they've had for sleepovers and one day a week since he was a baby. My SIL had a baby and they live 3 hours away so my in-laws will go down every six weeks or so so they can visit their new grandchild which impacts my childcare plans but I wouldn't want it any other way. I want my nephew to have the same bond my children have with their grandparents and I couldn't imagine standing in the way of this

Stop asking and start telling… outing strong boundaries. Say you are taking trips on x dates and do it. And if they say Dads new wife will do, smile brightly and say that’s great you got sorted…

My Mum has always done a day a week with mine… and I have a big age gap so it’s gone on for year. if she wants to go on hols she books it and sends the dates. I am beyond grateful for everything she does! I sometimes the think the more you do for someone the less grateful they are!

Tell them you are old and tired and can't look after the kids as much. Say what you are willing to do and stick to it. They are clearly taking advantage of you. Time to pull up your big girl knickers and say no!

I am livid on your behalf, what nasty women they are. I'm sure you love all your grandchildren but to be USED in this manner is deplorable. 5 days a week and weekends, wow, they really are taking the bloody piss out of you. I'd call their bluff and say no to all childcare because being emotionally threatened is coercive behaviour and you need to be telling them this. It's also an abuse of your time when you should be chilling out and doing what you want to do when you want to do it. You've raised your children, let them take responsibility of doing the same and if there's a fall out with that, then that shows their true colours and what you mean to them. I can't get over the 5 days a week plus weekends, I'm gobsmacked

Just say you changed your mind and they can lump it.