I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

[NannyNinn]

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

I’m really sorry, OP.

I see loads of examples of one set of adult children - local - absolutely rinsing Granny for childcare. Granny getting worn out. Grandpa feeling stuck too - a bit neglected and very resentful - and the other set of adult kids who live miles away having to pay for childcare and feeling really jealous.

I’d have thought gransnet would have been a huge source of support for you op on this issue

This!!!

I think you also have your reason why they don’t like their brother, I suspect he’s probably more responsible and has better boundaries? Did he leave to get away from them by any chance?

And did I read you’re paying for the grandchildren’s school fees?! They should be ashamed of how they’re treating, abusing, you!

Indeed, call their bluff! See how long it lasts! Don’t let them manipulate you!

Or you could be like my brother-in-law and his wife, who received extensive (free) babysitting benefits from his parents. As soon as their kids were in college, they moved to the opposite end of the country and declared his parents (and all the rest of us) horrible people, just in time to avoid having to help out with any elder-care. They have never returned any of the money they "borrowed" either.

Put your own needs first for the first time since you started a family.
You're stuck in a rut putting everyone else's need before your own.

You don't have children any more - your grandkids are not your responsibility.
Your daughters had families based on their own desires and it's their responsibility (and their partners) to raise the children they chose to bring into the world.

You don't know how long you have left - none of us do.
Do a bucket list and live for yourself - that's what most men do - all their lives and no-one judges them.

It's actually horribly nasty to say that their dad's wife would do it instead. That's such a horrible dig because it threatens replacement of 'granny' title to their dad's wife instead which is just plain spiteful.

If you refuse to bow to them, will they still visit you and stuff? Will they pull the rest of your time with their kids if you do?

You are doing far too much. Stop give them 2 days per week maximum. Let them moan and bitch. The children will still see you twice a week which is loads.

I take it all the adult children are married?

I wonder if they’re jealous of their brother for making a life for his family in London while they are still in jersey. That his the rich successful one in their eyes. Because I cannot see at all how they could currently accuse you of favouring him when you see his children a hand full of times a year when theirs are with you most of every single week.

Your daughter's don't give a damn about you. Sad but true.

5 days a week and holiday is bonkers. They’re bullying you, they won’t chat contact as they want the childcare.

let them ask their dad, why shouldn’t he be involved with the grandkids ? Why do you have to do all of it.

cut down to 2 a week MAX and no holidays. It’s horrible the advantage they’re taking and stealing your energy in retirement and being ungrateful about it as well

I'm a gransnetter too and am 100% you'd get the same response on there - that at your time of life you are entitled to a life of your own and even more entitled not to be blackmailed by you very disappointing DDs. You say you are often alone - well I am not surprised cos you currently have no time to call your own, make new friends/see existing ones or develop new activities and interests that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your (hopefully long) life.

Our elder DD has two children (now 14 and 12) and we did some childcare until a couple of years ago (and still do occasionally cos we want to) but she never once abused our time or expected on anything at all. And that was despite her having a fulltime job (main breadwinner too). The other GPs also did a similar share - one or two days a week - but none of us felt awkward at taking a week off providing we gave notice. As a result we are all friends. We also have a life of our own with activities and hobbies, and time to rest which we now need as we get older.

Our younger DD lives 200 miles away and has just announced that she is expecting her first child at their fourth round of IVF and I am trying to work out ways of being involved in that child's life without knackering ourselves - but I know she won't be pressurising us one jot.

OP you must look to yourself and your future. Reduce your commitment to your DDs and stand firm. You don't know if or when you might start to feel exhausted (small children are VERY exhausting if you do it right!) or become unwell, and you will have to put your own needs first.

I'm not going to say that your DDs are selfish or uncaring cos that reflects on how you brought them up and you sound like a very caring mum, but maybe your DDs don't take after you or they have pressure from their DH's that you aren't aware of.

Good luck with it all, but don't be guilt-tripped or threatened by anyone.

can I ask where the grandchildren’s dads are? Seems to be no mention of them or their parents.

I hope you can get some time to yourself and see your son and his family

Tell your daughters to make arrangements for childcare to be put in place for February half term including holiday club and school time as you are going on holiday,this gives them enough time to sort it out .They are selfish !

So let them cut contact op. Let them keep the kids away. If that is the only solution then it is what it is. You can’t live a life trapped and used and bullied like this.

Op please sit them both down and explain that your tired, you need your time now your happy to do xyz but on your terms only, don't give in op, do what suits you op, this is your time now,

What does your son think about you letting his sisters bully you out of a relationship with him and his children?

My sister bullied my mother for years. She thought if she didn’t play ball my sister would walk away so not only did she put up with it she let herself treat me as second best, assuming that I, too, would go along with it. She never allowed herself to recognise the damage she was causing our relationship and I’ve now not seen her for two years, having put up with this for thirty.

Call their bluff, sound like ungrateful sods to me. If they keep being an arsehole, threatened to move away and sell up to be nearer to your son.

And how much of this childcare does your ex husband do 🤔. Really grips my shit people have kids and EXPECT their parents to look after them ! This is one of the reasons why we decided not to have kids. We both worked full time shifts and it’s not fair to expect others to parent for us.

Be direct and tell them exactly what you are willing to do and a date that will start.

Your daughters are out of order. My mum has my DS one day a week. If she wants to go see friends/go on holiday then I book leave from work to cover it. She is entitled to a life!

Urgh your daughters sound horrible. Just decide what you can offer and stick to it. You don't have to offer anything.

So they are both bullying and then blackmailing you. Sounds like they want to prevent you seeing and helping your son.
so decide what you can offer and stick to it.

IMO, you are not being selfish. You raised your children and they ought to raise theirs.
Im a 64 year old married father of 6 children age from 41 down to 20 years, and grandfather of 7 grandchildren. My wife and i have been parenting for 41 years and count our blessings but we are both worn out. We babysit but we dont childmind.

omg, you are totally being bullied and taken advantage of!!! Decide what works for you, tell your daughters and END OF DISCUSSION! (I'm a granny, too)