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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

338 replies

NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:10

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

OP posts:
tinytemper66 · 15/11/2025 20:56

Just tell them that on a certain time and date you are unavailable. X

BeAzureRaven · 15/11/2025 21:06

Todayismyfavouriteday · 14/11/2025 01:09

You need to stand up for yourself. You're doing too much. I can't imagine taking care of so many young children, as much as I'd love them all, five days a week all year round. You need to establish boundaries. Get back to them, explain that it's not only that you want to see your son, you also need your time to see friends, do hobbies, travel, and enjoy your retirement. Offer three days a week, regardless of the consequences. They will soon accept the new order and forget you ever did it five days a week before, believe me. They are bullying you. Don't let them.

3 days a week is more than I would do. I love my grandkids but I raised my 4 kids and I'm through with childcare except for the occasional babysit.

MissDoubleU · 15/11/2025 21:22

NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:26

Sometimes I feel as though my daughters resent me spending anytime with my son or his children. I have no real idea on why they don’t like each other so much, well actually why they don’t like him so much, he seems to be fine with them.

Show quote history

Suggest you try to find out? Perhaps they have a particularly good reason especially if they are both in agreement? They could be in the know about something you are not.

EH1768 · 15/11/2025 22:25

NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:10

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

It’s your life OP. Be clear about what you are offering to your daughters and stick to it. Lots of people have to find childcare, they will find a way. Do not agree and then pull out, that’s not fair on anyone.

JCS1000 · 15/11/2025 22:36

You’re paying for them and taking care of them. You know, and they know, you are more than your fair share here.

ThatGreatStingo · 15/11/2025 23:50

You should start charging your daughters, maybe even confect a financial crisis for yourself. Once you have an hourly charge, maybe double the rate for the holidays, your daughters will abuse you less. And abuse is how your daughters treat you.

Tanjamaltija · 16/11/2025 16:02

Emotional blackmail [mentioning the new wife], and bullying... it's not on. Just put your foot down and give them an ultimatum - enough time to make new arrangements, beginning January. That is all.

HJC88 · 16/11/2025 21:40

Be true to yourself first. If your children are using blackmail to keep you doing something you no longer want to do, you must call their bluff. You should not be blackmailed into giving up your retirement for them.

Take back control of your time, tell them what you are prepared to do and, trust me, 3 days is better than 0 days, they will capitulate to your demands.

Onautopilot · 17/11/2025 06:01

I agree, 3 days with all the children together ( no separate days as that will have you minding 5 days+ a week still) is more than enough for your very entitled daughters.
If they still whine, tell them you won't do any more minding except in a genuine emergency. And ask if Stepmum knows she is about to have her freedom severely curtailed ...bet she has no idea!
Sorry to sound harsh but it's time these madams grew up!

PandorasBox7 · 17/11/2025 06:16

My children didn’t have a grandmother to look after them because my mother died before they were born. I know she would have loved to babysit my children but I wouldn’t have expected her to provide childcare. I am grandmother myself now and I live over an hour away from my grandchildren. I do babysit as much as I can but I don’t think I could do it every day. Your daughters shouldn’t be asking you to do so much childcare they chose to have children and they should pay someone to look after their children. I see lots of older women with toddlers and I do wonder if they are doing the childcare by choice.

firstofallimadelight · 17/11/2025 06:34

I’d say
”I’m getting older and it’s getting too much to do five days. I will offer 3 days from January - Monday, Tuesday Wednesday. You will need to find alternative childcare for Thursday and Friday.”

if they want to ask their dad or his wife that’s fine or they can use school club. Stop allowing them to emotionally blackmail you.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 17/11/2025 08:07

Well they can’t make you do it?! I don’t see what the problem is. Give a months notice and stop.
My DM didn’t want to do it so just said no.
Ignore any blackmail. You hold all the cards.

NameChangedForThis2025 · 17/11/2025 09:30

My partner and I are your son in this situation. His parents provide wraparound care every week for his sisters kids. They cook them all lunch every Sunday. Holidays are the only breaks they get so we are very mindful that we can’t really ask them for support, even just taking our son for a weekend once a year so we could have time to ourselves would be lovely! They also can’t easily just come and visit us.

It is a bit shit tbh.

I think you sound lovely and you deserve more balance - time for yourself and time with your other grandchildren. Your daughters are behaving atrociously. Most people have no option but to use wraparound care full time.

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