I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

[NannyNinn]

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

They say it because they know your scared... call their bluff.

Lets be honest your ex's new wife is NOT going to provide demanded unpaid childcare for 5 children 5 days a week.

If they actually need childcare they will come crawling back begging when they see how much it costs.

Wow, this is awful to read. I'm so sorry OP, your daughters clearly don't care about you and your wellbeing, only what they can get from you. It's shocking to me that they would bully you for wanting to do 3-4 days of childcare rather than more. Even one full day of free childcare is a massive commitment and huge help that they should be incredibly grateful for. I don't think you realise how much you're doing for them.

We don't have any family nearby and have never had our child cared for by anyone other than paid nursery sessions, that's fine and what we expected and I strongly believe nobody owes childcare, the parents are responsible for their children and any help offered is a bonus that should be gratefully received.

In your shoes I'd probably stop doing it altogether now you know they don't appreciate it and will try and force you to do something you have said you no longer want to do as much of, and give it space so you can try and reset your relationships as normal grandparent/adult child/kids dynamics instead of the dogsbody you've become in their eyes. Be prepared for them to try weaponise access to the children, to get you back in line. But sadly I think whenever and however you put these boundaries in the daughters seem like the type to weaponise and victimise themselves. Unless you offer 24/7 free childcare until every last grandchild is an adult you will likely receive the same push back.

You don't deserve this.

You have done so much for your daughters, saved them thousands of pounds and they behave like bullying ungrateful wretches.
Time to change things!!
For many people, the early years of retirement are a glorious time to have fun, travel and be carefree while you have good health. Your daughters have got so used to your servitude they cannot see that you are a woman in your own right who deserves to enjoy her life.
I strongly urge you to book a lovely holiday for the new year. There are some very good companies offering holidays for solos. They are great!!
So what if your daughters tantrum. It is time to give them a metaphorical kick up the arse. They have abused your love and kindness for too long.
By the way, I really don't think their step-mother will be very keen to be lumbered with the care of five small children.
Best wishes for a wonderful 2026. There will no doubt be some turbulence as your new life expectations bed in but keep your eyes on the prize. God forbid you get to 70 full of regret at at how your life trickled through your fingers in the service of your very selfish daughters.

Your daughters are bullies. They had children therefore they are responsible for paying for childcare. Tell them to get on with it.

Just tell them you are going to stop - stand up for yourself.

edit
And tell them if they dont like it, tough - you'll stop paying the school fees. (which you will also do if they stop you seeing the dc) "this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees."

I suspect that you don’t really want advice and that you may have included so many specific details on here to ensure that your DDs read this thread op so you don’t have to confront them face-to-face!

If not, in all honesty, I would ask to have this thread removed as it contains many identifying details (if you haven’t altered them).

Some adult DDs can bully their mothers unfortunately. I’ve seen it before. You have to draw a line op. I would start by being a bit less available so that they appreciate you a bit more, Good luck.

There are still women in this very thread having a go at their DM/MIL because "she does more childcare for her daughter's/son's kid that she did for so I'm not going to help her when she's older."

There's apparently no end to the - free - help women are expected to give, no matter their own age or personal circumstances and these are OTHER WOMEN who think they should be expected to.

It fucking outrages me

Come on OP, you are an unpaid slave. Call their bluff.
Just say its too much, you are gettinv older. You will happily do X Y Z. But you want time to see friends, holiday, travel.
You love all the GC, theres no point in blackmailing you. You can & do help financially & physically.
You are completely taken for granted.
Let the 2nd wife help. Let them use clubs. Of God forbid pay for their own kids.

YANBU and your daughters are being horribly U. I think you're going to have to call their bluff and hold your boundary as they seem to think (know) they've got a hold over you with the threat to not let the GC see you. In reality I doubt the Step-GM is going to be willing to step in and cover all that you've been doing for 5 DC!

I'd be having a broken record conversation with them where you stay as calm as possible but keep repeating the boundary - along the lines of:

You: I'm sorry DDs, I'm going to have to reduce the childcare to 3 days a week.

DDs: Well we'll just not see you with the DGCs and send them to Step-GM instead!

You: Well that would make me very sad to not see the DGC and I hope you'll reconsider that but I will be reducing the childcare to 3 days a week. In the holidays I can either do half as full weeks or carry on with 3 days a week (if that's practical).

DDs: well you'll never see the DGC again!!

You: I understand you're upset but I will need to reduce the childcare to 3 days a week.

DDs: DGC will hate you and you'll be out of their lives forever!!

You: I hope you will reconsider that position as I will always love the DGC but I do still need to reduce the childcare to 3 days a week...

DD's probably flounce off at this point and you need to hold your nerve.

You can also read "when I say no I feel guilty", I can't remember who the author is but it's helpful for holding boundaries and has lots of good example conversations in it.

It’s wonderful to see you getting so much fervent support here, OP, and I hope you find the determination and strength to act on it. You are being relentlessly bullied and emotionally abused. What I am concerned about is that, by allowing yourself to be forced into using so much of your time and energy for family childcare, you are gradually becoming more and more socially isolated. You mention that, as well as having no time to fit in visits to your son in London, you have also had to cut out visits to friends - presumably people of your own age with similar views, interests etc. This is a worrying situation and one which will get worse as friendships gradually wither away from lack of time and attention and your relationship with your son and his children weakens through lack of face-to-face time with them - which does matter. As other relationships weaken or disappear, you will be left with only your two daughters and their families and you will be more and more frightened of offending them and losing contact. You are already scared of their threats to cut you off from your grandchildren. It is actually in your daughters’ interests for you to become socially isolated as it increases your dependence on them and gives them the power in your relationship - which they are using quite unscrupulously for their own freedom and financial advantage.

It is very important to realise what is happening and to stop it while you still can. Every day spent in this abusive relationship makes it more difficult to escape. The fact that you have broached this issue here is an excellent sign that you are now ready to act. Please read over some of the practical advice you have been given here to end or massive reduce this ridiculous and unfair burden and start living your OWN life again.

It’s a good time to say - in the new year I’ll need to cut down childcare. I’m happy to have the children once a week for DD1 and once a week for DD2. But I’m getting older and there’s things I’d like to do with my retirement. So please be understanding and arrange alternative childcare for the new year’

Then adopt the ‘let them’ mindset. If they get angry ‘let them’ If they decide that the children will go to their dad’s wife ‘let them’. Stand firm and start enjoying your own life!

Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead

I wonder if there is a step-mum on here living somewhere in Jersey reading this in dread!

Hi op it’s horrible of your daughters. they are blackmailing you. I would just say your going to London every 6 weeks like before as you miss your other grandkids if they threaten you just call there bluff say if that’s how you feel ok I understand and will stay in London longer. I cannot be expected to ignore my other gc just because you don’t like your brother. Stand up to them you are already giving them most of your time let the dad and wife help. Don’t miss out on your son and gc because you have 2 very entitled selfish daughters. You’re not going be around forever live your life.

I see so many tired grandparents when I take my son to playgroups, the park, storytime, ect. It’s hard work, looking after young children for long stretches of the day, often it seems really expected too which I think is unfair. The kids often look miserable too. No one seems to win really. Grandparent and grandchild relationships should be fun - not ruled by obligation.

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@NannyNinn

How did the conversation with your ungrateful, mean, selfish daughters go?

Please take your life back and get time for you to enjoy yourself. You're not a servant. Life is short, they are ungrateful and nasty and need a kick.up the ass.

Oh dear me…

to be honest you seem a very good grandma and they fight for you which is…enviable!

But. You can think of you!
you can TELL them that from now on you aren’t being able to cover the Fridays or Mondays so that you can visit your son easily…maybe make it during the holidays?

I bet you they will use childcare better than step mom 😂😂 or maybe your ex ganged up on them and demanded the children spend more time with him?

Oh dear!

Don't ask them about using wraparound care, tell them they need to book it for Mondays and Fridays so you can do things for yourself. It's not like you'll go to your son every weekend, only occasionally. If they threaten to ask their stepmother let them. Remind them you are available Tuesday, wednesday and thursday only and for however many weeks that you decide to do in summer, pick a number, two weeks? Three weeks. they need cover the rest of the time I'm sure they could take annual leave and watch each others kids for a week or two each.

Your daughters are selfish cows and are just using you for free childcare (and a 1/4 school fees!!) tell them you’re cutting it and that’s that. Believe me, if they want you to continue paying those school fees they won’t be able to hold ‘not seeing your grandchildren’ as a threat!

Wow that’s awful. Why are you allowing this? They are bullying you and taking full advantage and then guilt tripping you when they don’t get their own way. What spoilt brats!

The problem is you are asking your daughters for permission for days you need for yourself. Instead just tell them the days you are willing to do childcare and stick to that even if you’re free other days. This allows them to book other childcare as this often needs to be done in advance but they will never do it if you keep making yourself available ad-hoc.

You can give them a little time to get themselves organised but set a firm date. Do not get into discussion about it, you don’t need any reasons, you are a grown woman and your time is precious. Just keep saying it’s not for debate. Let them sulk, etc. just stay firm. You also shouldn’t be telling them what childcare they need to book in your absence. Let them figure this themselves.

I would also plan a holiday for a week or two so they have opportunity to see how much you do. Of course expect resistance and toys to be thrown out the pram but if you don’t set boundaries now, you never will.

Good god they’re being so very selfish !!
I can’t believe you’re even offering to pay extra towards childcare when you already contribute to school fees !!
My own parents did very little for my children ( now all adults ) and I had 3 .
They also didn’t pay for anything for my children apart from a small gift for Birthday and Christmas.
Think they had them maybe once during school holidays for a few days and then once for us to go away for 2 nights

3 days is too much never mind 4. Some people are so entitled! Just tell your DDs it's too much for you and from this date... you will only help once a week.

What horrible, selfish women-made even worse by emotionally threatening you with the whole step mother situation. I hope you show them your thread so they can see what everyone thinks of them. Appalling behaviour!

Me too. This whole culture of grandparents being roped in for free childminding as a matter of course, and sacrificing their retirement so that the younger couple can maintain a lifestyle unsuited to rearing their own children. I think it’s truly grotesque.

Just tell them when you want time off. They will have to figure it out, use their leave or find an alternative. Give them notice obvs.

You are being used for free childcare, of your own making and now they've got rather comfortable with it. Time to stop the rot. Tell them if they couldn't afford to look after them they shouldn't have had them! You are their grandmother NOT an unpaid nanny!