I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

[NannyNinn]

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

Sorry your daughters sound selfish and like they are just using you. Stand firm

Don't be bullied by your daughters.

I think you are entirely fair. You should not be expected to be their sole childcare. Let step nan have them a day or two a week. Grandparents are not automatic childcare, my mil has had my 14 yr old a handful of times in the last 10 years and only when I'm really stuck. I used after school clubs, worked around her when I could. Enjoy your life.

You're obviously NBU. But framing it as wanting more time with your son's children has allowed them to twist it as if you are. That's not the only issue. They are also just asking far too much of you, plain and simple. You want to not be taken advantage of by them. Tell them again, blunter. Or, if you're feeling evil tell them you'll only look after one set of kids from now on and pit your daughters against each other..... joke.

That sounds really hard but I think you need to really think about the boundaries you want to set. Then set them. This is your retirement you can help with childcare but you aren't obligated especially if it's damaging other relationships.

They sound incredibly self centred and are not considering your life at all. I am afraid only you can put a stop to this and find the strength to say no to the things you no longer feel you can do. Sounds like they have had a good deal for long enough and are emotionally blackmailing you into feeling bad - stop it, now!

I'm so sorry you are being used op, thats a massive ask for anyone.

You need to stand firm on this, you need a life too.

@NannyNinn you are not being unreasonable, you’ve helped them out so much already and do not owe them anything.

Tell your bratty daughters to grow up and sort out paid childcare.

You’ve raised your kids and they are being very selfish by putting this in you.

Your daughters sound horrible. After all the childcare and support you have given them, they are threatening to stop you seeinng your grandchildren at all if you cut it down to 3 or 4 days a week? Telling you that your ex-husband and his new wife will see the children while you will be cut off is such a cruel thing for them to say.

Threaten to move to London to look after their brother's children. I doubt that their dad and his wife will agree to providing almost full time child care like you've been doing.

Yes I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that a contributing factor was wanting to see my son and his children more as my daughters were always going to use that to make me feel awful. I thought they might view it as more selfish if I said I just wanted to be able to meet up with friends, and I hoped they might understand more if I was pointing out the now massive disparity in how often I see my other grandchildren. I see their children 5 days a week, week in, week out and often on weekends too, even cutting that to 3 days a week so I could go and see my son and his children for a long weekend every 6 weeks or so would still have me seeing some grandchildren a lot more than others, I appreciate that will never change though as my son did decide to move away.

You’re being bullied!! They need you far too much to stop contact. I’d call them both over, and say you two need to get a grip. I brought both of you up and am doing my best to help you with your parenting but how dare you bully me into a full time parenting schedule. I adore your children, and it is an absolute joke to accuse me of treating the grandchildren I never see because I’m looking after yours as favorites. I’ll no longer do Thursday and Friday and one week each holidays, it will be great for the gc fo bond with their other grandparents, and if you want to call that favoritism to my other grandchildren then I’ll remind you I haven’t seen them for months. I’m disappointed in both of you, and feel completely used as well as bullied. Now go home and parent your children. I’ll do this week then start taking Thursday Friday off next week, unless you want to kick off in which case i will most certainly take a well deserved break this week.

they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

There are myriad threads on here from women whose DHs have agreed to take on care of their DSC’s kids without consulting them and just assuming that they’d do it. Spoiler - it doesn’t end well. Call their bluff. “Oh - but fair enough if he’d like to…..”. Give it a fortnight and they’ll be grovelling back!

She never sees the other gc! She can absolutely say she’d like to see them, it is only because her daughters are completely selfish that they don’t like this. I totally think the op should suggest she’s thinking of traveling for a couple of months and then spending a few weeks in London.

This sounds like a reverse, I'm wondering if you are actually the daughter/sister in law here? The wife of the son/brother?

But no, my gosh, how lucky all your children and grandchildren are to have you. And wow how much you are being taken advantage of by your daughter's! Honestly I wouldn't let my DPs (or anyone) begin a burden of 5x a week childcare plus holidays etc. that's ridiculous. It's more than many parents do...it's just too much for you, you have your own things you may want or need to do as well not to mention rest at your older age!

That being said, it may be difficult or impossible for them to suddenly source wraparound right now. Round here wraparound often has waiting lists and so on. So I do very begrudgingly think that as you've put yourself in this situation, I'd continue until the start of spring term for everyone's sake. And if sourcing childcare may be difficult I think it would be good to see it through til the end of this school year. But you will know better if that is actually tough or not, if not then no I'd be saying from January this is my offer: and lay it out whatever you're happy to do from then.

You sound a lovely grandma and you understandably want to see all of your grandchildren. You have been very good to your daughters but you are going to have to be very firm now. They have had it very good and they will have to learn to adjust. You do not need to pay for the additonal childcare- you have already saved them thousands. Let them sulk or whatever, they will get over it and enjoy the time with your son's children.

If one of my kids tried to blackmail
me like that, I’d tell them to crack on. I doubt their step- grandmother will want to do childcare every day.

Tell them what childcare you are willing and able to do (be very clear in your own mind about what this is) and they can take it or leave it.

And you don’t need to explain to them why, or make excuses.

Bloody hell, OP! You're a saint! My parents said from the outset that they wouldn't babysit, they want to enjoy their grandchildren when they are the DC are free and well and not rushing here and there, and enjoy their retirement: I told them that I wouldn't have it any other way, sorted out and paid for my own childcare! And you're paying towards private schooling too?! You're absolutely 100% not being unreasonable, your daughters are behaving like spoilt brats.

When my mum offered to childmind for me she was very specific it would be 2 days a week. When my sister then had a child she dropped me to one day and offered my sister the other.

I think you are right to reduce because they need to learn boundaries. Be strong and do not pay for their childcare.

When my mum did one day a week of childcare for me she just let me know with a little notice when she wouldn’t be available for say a holiday or plans she wanted to do with friends or family. I would just work around it by me or DH booking leave. What would happen if you said to your daughters “I won’t be available on x dates as I’m in london”? I wouldn’t think their dads new wife would be at all willing to do the level of childcare you’re currently offering so if I were you I’d tell them you can only do 2 or 3 days per week from now on and let them ask their dad to fill in the gaps. If they kick off, simply wait for the tantrums to pass. They will be back.

Sometimes I feel as though my daughters resent me spending anytime with my son or his children. I have no real idea on why they don’t like each other so much, well actually why they don’t like him so much, he seems to be fine with them.

Yes I totally understand why you framed it like that, everything you've said is completely reasonable. The problem is they are being completely unreasonable and any reason you give they will see as something to be explained away.They aren't going to react well however you put it: they take your service for granted and their free nanny is threatening to reduce her hours. Time for the old Mumsnet cliche: 'No is a complete sentence'.

Your daughters are expecting far too much from you! Do they pay you at all for this childcare?

This. What a selfish pair. You need self care time and time to visit your son. They are using you. Stop this nonsense NOW.

THIS stands out "asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated."

What a horrible pair they are.

They are nasty to boot. "have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife."

Call their bluff and let them go to the new wife then - I bet she won’t be wanting to do it day after day after day either.