I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

[NannyNinn]

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

I think I would set out to offer what you want (3days a week and hols) and if they threaten the ‘new wife’ again I’d say okay, my last day will be… They will come running back pretty fast. They may think bad of you, but they don’t respect you or see you as an individual at the moment anyway.

The fact they think that Dads Wife will look after their kids rather than him- the actual grandparent, suggests to me that they grew up in a fairly patriarchal household.

Perhaps they think the son is the Golden Child.

It is also very clear that you are a people pleaser (have poor boundaries) and as a family that you aren’t great with communication.

You are allowed to say No, I wonder if you said it in front of your sons in law would it have a better impact?

You need to get out of an “asking” rather than “telling” mindset. Step Granny isn’t going to take your place- just say “After Christmas I am cutting down and this is what I am offering.” Also “Now Now darling, both of us know you and your sister have been on the pigs back for years. Well this little doormat piggy, wants a rasher of her own life back.” and “If you think [step granny] is going to provide this level of childcare you are welcome to ask her, I don’t fancy your chances though. Why don’t you see how you get on. Maybe also ask some of your friends whether they privately think your are taking the absolute piss, whilst you’re at it.”

You have so much leverage here and your daughters are bullying you. They have got this made. Free child care during holidays and after school. You are the ultimate gravy train they are not wanting to give up. Do your daughters show any sign of appreciation for all your work? Meals out, presents etc, I suspect not.

I am positive their fathers new wife would not be wanting to do daily child care so that can be knocked on the head.

Book those trips and tell your daughters they need to find free childcare elsewhere on those dates. Yes, there will be tears, tantrums and a few teddies thrown from the pram but they need to get to grips that you are not a one stop shop for their childcare arrangements.

What horrible daughters you have.

So you don’t have any life to see friends?

Honestly, you have allowed them to bully you. Not sure how old you are but I’m thinking mid-late 60’s? Put your foot down asap.

They really are horrid, and the sad thing is when op gets to an age of needing help I can bet they won’t be fighting each other over who looks after her!

It does make me wonder how she raised and ended up with such terrible daughters because if I even hinted at such nonsense to my parents, let alone be so brave as to demand 5 days a week care and blackmail i would have got the slippers thrown at me.

I had my sons in full time nursery and I did all the drop offs and pick up unless I was working overtime. They watched the eldest 2 weekends a month but that’s more because he wanted to go and they said yes , I never expected it or forced them ( not that I could )

The daughters are beyond lucky, to even have some of their costs paid too is mind blowing and they have the audacity to use blackmail?!? I would tell them to sort their kids out for January and be done with them, then take a solo holiday somewhere nice and warm and live your life. I give it 3 months tops and the ugly sisters will come crawling back realising how good they had it. More importantly where are their partners in all this, why aren’t their partners parents helping?!?! It’s like the entire family are seriously taking the piss out of you op.

I voted yabu because you’re putting your daughter before your son.

Stop giving them money.
They are horrors.
What truly awful daughters.

You will end up sick from this, make no mistake and don't expect them to be around when you are of no futher use.

I have witnessed this on several occasions from women who gave up too much, even inmy own family.
My SIL saw her sons loads for years while she ran around after them and their children.

Now they are all in secondary school, no longer need care, and she has gotten suddenly older and infirm, she doesn't see them from one end of the month to another.
Appalling.
Don't continue to be a mug.

already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

I missed this. Wow, your daughters have got you where they want you haven't they. You are a retired pensioner and they are milking you for all its worth in time and money.

Either they buck up their attitude or the school fees stop as well - see if their father's new wife wants to pay for that as well.

Is there anyway you and your (ex) husband can join forces here and read them the riot act? Where does he stand on all this? Do your grandchildren's fathers have any input into this?

Wow, your daughters are selfish bullies.

Start setting boundaries now. And call their bluff on dad's new wife doing childcare. Bet that won't happen!

I'm pr3tty sure their father's new wife would have something to say about that! 😅

Tell them what you are prepared to do. Put boundaries in place. They're manipulating you by saying the schildren would be so upset.

I'm.also pretty sure that I'm juat repeating what.everyone else has said though!

Dont be bullied by your daughters. Your ex new wife isnt going to randomly look after 5 kids most of the week either! Shes probably dreading being asked too.

^^ this. They arent your children op, the parents need to be paying for childcare & taking time off work to cover childcare over the hoildays. Bet they take it when theyre at school or when you have them. They are diberatly stopping you having any sort of life.

Your daughters are taking the piss quite frankly. I imagine they are so put out because they don't want to swallow the costs of childcare as it will probably negatively impact their lifestyle. This isn't your problem. They chose to have multiple children.

Be honest with them op.

I never expected my mother to look after my children.

My own children know I won't be minding their kids.

I did my own slog with them on my own.

I can't believe the selfishness and entitlment of your daughters OP. You're already generously paying part of their school fees. Yes childcare is expensive but if you weren't around they would have to pay it. Its great to help out but it isn't your responsibility to offset their childcare costs at the sake of your own health and freedom.

When I went back to work after my eldest, my wonderful in laws offered to look after him two days a week on top of my MIL working part time. It worked for a while but I could see my in laws getting tired and it wasn't fair on them so we increased our nursery days. Yes it's more expensive but I don't regret it for a minute. Family should help each other out and that includes ensuring your own parents can enjoy their retirement and aren't burnt out.

As everyone has said. You need to set boundaries with the times you are available.

I think you sound lovely and they sound awful. Do you have all 5 small children at once??? Do they pay you? Offer anything in return? Let the new Nan do what you are doing and see how long that lasts. What will they do then of they have threatened non-contact? Seems like a win win to me. You get your time back and you get to see your other grand children either way. This is your time, divorced retired- your time to shine and do you!

Editing after reading the post above mine. I was in the same position. Mum did two days, but if they wanted to go away or just have a break they would say. I would always make sure my leave covered those days. I will always be so grateful. Dad died recently and mum is now disabled. Regardless of what my parents did for me. I would be there at a drop of a hat for them. I now work flexi hours to help mum out as much as possible. Do you honestly think your daughters would be there for you?

They’re not gonna cut you off. Make your boundaries clear. You’re an Amazing support to them. It will be ok. They’ll be annoyed initially and maybe punish you a bit but you’ll cope. The needs for support with kids is endless so they’ll be back. You don’t have one of these “special” relationships with a golden son do you? That can be quite pukesome.

Agree with PP. You're doing them the massive favour here, it gets to be on your terms, but you're asking permission to change the terms slightly and even offering them money to do so! Insane.

Don't feel guilt at pulling back, yes kids prefer being at home / grandma's rather than holiday club up to a point (when they're older and into hobbies and their friends are all at football camp or whatever) but they're not 'devastated' by going to club a couple of days a week!

And threatening you with not seeing them or any other kind of threat is manipulation (or emotional blackmail). You don't need to explain why you're not doing so much any more - that implies you have to justify it, and givea them ammunition to fight back (eg you say the drive to them is too far, they say ok we will meet you in the middle). Just tell them although you love your grandkids it's too much for you and you will be stepping back to 2 days a week or whatever and if they don't like it they're welcome to make alternative arrangements. Also tell them you've given them more childcare help than most people get and you won't be emotionally blackmailed into doing more than you're comfortable with.

You might want to have some set phrases ready to say, or have someone with you that you've briefed beforehand, or write down some objections you think they might have and your responses 'childcare is so expensive' ' I've saved you thousands over the years' 'the kids will be devastated' 'I'm sure they'll adjust to the change like all other children do' or just simply, 'I hear what you're saying but I can't do it any more'. Or you might want to consider sending it in writing with a 'whilst this is not ideal to send over text, things got emotional last time so i wanted to put it in writing for you to digest before speaking to me. I've given you a lot of help with childcare and although I've loved it, it's become too much for me and I can't continue offering the same level of support. Going forward from x date I'll be dropping down to x days. Thanks for your understanding.'

This is NOT a negotiation where you've both got something the other one wants and you have to meet in the middle. This is you offering what you're comfortable with and they can take it or leave it. They'd be really stupid to leave it (no one else is going to want to do all holidays and after school for free, if you're willing to share it). So no offering to pay them, trying to find solutions, backing down. They are taking the absolute piss. Lots of people like myself don't have any regular help, not because my parents wouldn't but because I recognise that they're retired and have their own lives and my kids are my responsibility, and I don't want to impose on them (although sometimes they offer and have always made it clear they are there for emergencies etc which we show we are grateful for). Please please practice in the mirror and read up on being assertive as they are taking advantage of you in a horrible way

Normally when there are so many replies I think, no point adding anything, but honestly OP, please, please read the replies. Your daughters are being incredibly selfish - they wonder if they are worried if you are ‘allowed’ to see your other Grandchildren there won’t be enough money/ childcare left for them. It’s all very ‘me me me’ and no thought for you.

I would be telling them from *whatever date that you can’t commit to that amount of childcare. Don’t say why, just say going forward it’s not going to be possible for you.
dont listen to threats and woe is us speeches. They are grown ups who can sort their own lives out, including childcare! I can’t even begin to imagine how much money they’ve saved because of your kindness, and yet have little to no respect for you and your life.
Stand firm, drop holiday care, and only do what you want to during the week.
I hate to say it Op, but how much would you see them if there wasn’t something in it for them?!

Stay strong once you’ve made the decision, you are not being unreasonable no matter how they try to put that to you!

You could also call their bluff about the dads wife and say “doc has advised me to reduce my stress so I’m going to only be able to help 2 days a week (3 days max) going forward and one family at a time as 5 kids is too hard…” (how on earth can you leave the house with 5 kids?) but then say “but I know it will be ok as you’ve already got support lined up with dads wife”. No way she will be willing to do 3 days looking after 5 young kids and certainly not Friday and Mondays… Also do not pay for their extra childcare. They are not your responsibility - you’ve saved them 10s of thousands already and they are ungrateful bitches.

“I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.”

This is emotional abuse. You have horribly manipulative daughters.
I expect your son is not like them and that’s why they don’t like him.
I would tell them as such and completely withdraw the offer of childcare!

@RunningJo I agree. When my DGC were small I looked after one DGC, DD’s child, who lived nearby, one day a week. DS lived quite a distance away, so I didn’t help regularly, but I still wanted to visit and babysit. Their other DGM helped out more, because she lived close by, but never more than she could manage.

The DC appreciated any help, but never felt entitled. DD no longer lives nearby, all the DGC are teens now, so of course we don't see them often, university, 6th form, sport, jobs etc all take up their time. I still have a nice relationship with the DGC, thats what matters surely? Not how often I see them, or who sees them more.

I also had my own friends and activities, very important in retirement. Don’t put yourself last OP.

Well they either sort it out and appreciate the care you are willing to provide or you stop it entirely. See how their step mother likes them apples.

They know they've taken advantage, that's why they are pushing back and accusing you of favouring your son. Part of having children is the childcare costs.

Your life is valuable and you run it as you see fit.

you daughters are awful.

im guessing they have personalities similar to your ex-husband and your son has a personality similar to you?

put your foot down, say what days you can have them and be firm.

they prob will cut contact to be spiteful but it wont last and when they come back keep firm with your boundaries.

i had no help at all with my children from grandparents (i think in the last 19 years my children have been looked after maybe 6 days in total by them and that was due to me having hospital appointments and surgery so I find it shocking how adult children with children of their own get this entitled!)

This!

What cruel and unappreciative daughters.

No wonder your son moved away!

You might want to get this thread removed as it does sound quite identifying btw.

Id offer them a day each going forward. Every day and looking after 5 kids is bonkers.

They should really be ashamed of themselves. Especially threatening to use their dad and stepmum.