I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

[NannyNinn]

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

Your daughters sound so entitled.

Does it matters if the new girlfriend does it some of thetime ? She probably won’t want to much if they aren’t even her grandchildren.

in your shoes, I would stay very clearly that you’re going to drop it to 2 days a week whatever you think is reasonable. Offer maybe one day a week of holidays if you feel up to it. Then book a trip to see your son tell him about it in advance. At the same time, book a long cruise for two weeks somewhere And get them used to the idea that your time is not their time. This won’t get any better And we’re talking about five kids here that’s ridiculous for you, You’ve done your time parenting with three children as it is.

YANBU. My husband and I have 2 children aged 8 and 3. We both work full time in the office. We live in London so there’s commuting etc on public transport to factor too as you can’t drive everywhere. We have no other family childcare other than my mum who is retired. My mum had my 3 year old 1 day a week for a couple of years and on occasion would have both of them on a Saturday if agreed so my husband and I can go on the odd date (infrequently not a regular thing and not even once a month). Recently my mum retired and wished to stop her regular 1 day a week so she could travel more. We use wraparound care and nursery. It’s expensive and it’s hard, we have to cut costs elsewhere to make ends meet. It’s tiring when we’ve been at work all day and the kids at nursery/school and we’re all arriving home at 6pm together and still have to do dinner/bath/bed etc. But it’s the norm for many working families. Your daughters sound a bit entitled to be honest. It’s a favour if you’re looking after your grandchildren, but it certainly shouldn’t restrict your day to day life. It sounds like you’re doing way more childcare than is reasonable

So @NannyNinn with over 2000 people voting that YANBU and 10 pages of utter disgust at your daughters - what are you going to do?

You haven't signed a lifelong contract, you've already saved them a huge amount in childcare costs so nothing to feel guilty about. As long as you give them a reasonable notice period so they have time to find other arrangements.

You need to find your resolve and text them to say "I love looking after the Kids but I need a better balance in my life. So as of X, I will only be able to have them 3 days a week and you'll need to find other arrangements for the other two days and holidays."

Be firm, and when they challenge you say you're sorry they feel that way but you've made your decision. Don't be drawn into discussing the why's

Tell them they need to use wraparound 2 days a week as your only willing to provide 3 days and same with holiday clubs.
If you daughters want to twist it and be awful then so be it

Your daughters sound awful. Please stick to your guns and reclaim your own life.
You shouldn’t be offering to pay childcare either; you are already being generous in contributing to the school fees.

My mum looked after my children when I went back to work part time (DH worked shifts) but only for a max of 3 mornings a week, mostly 2, occasionally 1. I was SO grateful to her and would never have dreamed of using her the way it sounds like your daughters are using you.
Please please don't feel guilty for saying no.

My mum used to come and see me (we are three hours away) and then my sister had her children.
I’d noticed the visits drop off with the first of the children and then when sister was pregnant with her second I quietly asked my mum to think about her options around childcare as I didn’t want her to stop coming to see me. I would visit her, of course.
Mum told me sister needs her and she can’t afford childcare.
My niece and nephew never spent a day in nursery, I know mum chose sister and childcare as her priority (she wouldn’t even tell sister in advance to take time off work so she could visit me), I haven’t forgotten it, sister has paid her mortgage off years ago (we still have £££ to go and I am older) and I just don’t feel the same about my mum.
Mum didn’t say so to me, but sister would moan that mum was never particularly enthusiastic about looking after the kids and never wanted them at times other than when she went to work and other sister has said to me, “Well sister had all the help and childcare and she is close enough to do any care parents need when they get older.”
Please think about the consequences and the feelings of your easy going son.
Prioritising one over the other so it restricts seeing the other will be harmful to your relationship with your son. You must stand up to your daughters, go nuclear if necessary, because this is your life and you don’t want to do all that childcare.

Interesting they are a group of three siblings - this often seems to be the case when there is animosity between them!

Why can’t/don’t you want your Ex husbands wife help out one/two days? If she’d like to and gives you a rest, do that. Or alternate weeks?

You obviously have funds if your funding 1/4 of seven sets of school fees - could you hire a nanny to help you, and she could do the days when you’d like to be visiting your son?

Ultimately though you are not obliged to provide childcare, even if you promised. Plenty of others have to manage with nursery or childminders.

One good thing, Op. You've tried this system and it is not working for you.
Start by promising yourself that after this school year things will change. Tell your daughters too; they need time to re-adjust their children's child care.

Clarify the specific changes that would suit and how much child care you can sustainably enjoy over the next five years. Write out a plan and fine tune it with your own self over the next few months. Be clear to daughters about your capacity and that you need time for your own life too. Don't be bullied.

Your daughters will still see you even if the kids do spend more time with their step-grandmother.

I wonder how keen their stepmother would be on being unpaid childcare.

I wouldn't worry too much about implied threats from your daughters. Do what works for you

YABU not to just tell your daughters ‘no, from the start of next year you need to get wraparound school care, I can help in emergencies and a week in the summer holidays but that is all’. Or let their step mother take over. I am sure she won’t do it for long either.

No need to wait that long!

I think you are being taken advantage of Im afraid .How dare they gang up on you like this.I would say to one of them (the slightly more reasonable one) that you enjoy having them.However you need some time off! Book your week in London and let them get over it.Like fuck they will go to their Dads!

Your daughters are a pair of entitled bullies, you deserve to have a life of your own and you already do so much for them.
Let their fathers wife step in, be interesting to se if she actually does

This.

We had this with my MIL; MIL providing overnight support and wraparound care for my BIL and SIL and never came to visit us or support us even in emergencies. I remember a few years ago her bemoaning the fact that our DC don’t have the same relationship with her as her other DGC (no shit Sherlock, you can never be bothered to visit them). Now BIL and SIL are having to be her carers and I don’t feel guilty we don’t do more.

Have you considered how much unpaid work you have done in your lifetime? And that your daughters are guilt tripping you and blackmailing you into doing more for them?
Women in our society are considered the default human who does the unpaid service work. Of course you might want to help out with grandchildren or volunteer with a charity close to your heart. But it needs to come from you.
Let your daughters rage and tantrum, they’ll get over it. Offer no more than 3 days and have 4 days off. It’s still a lot.
You are retired; your slaving days are over. Book a holiday if you fancy it.

We have exactly the same
MIL couldn't do enough until SIL had DC
As you said though when/if she needs help SIL can do it

I doubt the new wife wants to look after step grandchildren five times a week and some weekends so I would call their bluff and let them do that. Your daughters even threatening such a thing is despicable.

I’d see about going on a holiday seeing my son and his children for a few weeks. Let them sit on that.

“I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife”

They don’t sound particularly nice. In fact they sound horrible. They’re using your love of your grandchildren to emotionally threaten/blackmail you into providing free childcare. I would tell them that while I love my grandchildren very much I really don’t appreciate being blackmailed/threatened and if that is how they’re going to behave they’d be better off looking elsewhere for childcare.

OP you know you can cut the childcare down to zero? You’re not getting paid, have no contract and can’t even cut down your hours without threats. This is just slave labour.

Let your ex’s wife do it if she wants - but why would she? She not even related to these kids.

I suggest you speak to them about this 1-1 and face to face. They’ll be unable to gang up that that. And don’t argue/discuss it over text. Obviously no need to as you see them every day. Would you say they’re generally very spoilt/entitled personality wise? Or do they treat others usually respectfully but you are a bit of adoormat for them? I guess what I’m asking is if their treatment of you is the exception or the rule - that might inform your best way of dealing with them.

Well, that was silly, OP, sorry.
Put your foot down!

You need to stop asking and start telling them.

I am prepared to look after the children on Monday,, Tuesday and Wednesday after school. I m not prepared to do Thursdays and Fridays or school holidays.

If you do Mon - Wed you'll be able to have a long weekend away if you fancy it.

If they want to stop contact that's on them. They are being spiteful to their own kids. Don't let them use your love of the kids against you. You are doing them a huge favour and have saved them a fortune. Most grandparents don't do that level of care. They are very lucky and also very ungrateful.

Honestly some people don't know they are born. CFs.