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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel trapped by agreeing to look after my grandchildren

338 replies

NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:10

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

OP posts:
YourJoyousDenimExpert · 12/11/2025 20:33

Could you find an activity you’d like to do for yourself/ with a friend once a week to give a clear reason for reclining at least a day? Agree with pp that it is best not to align the change to wanting to see more of your son.
You sound incredibly generous with both your time and resources and I am appalled that your daughters are being so manipulative.

Laura95167 · 12/11/2025 20:43

Let their stepmother have them one day a week so you can visit DS and their cousins.

FeministThrowingAPrincessParty · 12/11/2025 20:43

Your daughters are behaving awfully. I think you should stand up to them and say that you don’t appreciate them speaking to you in such a disrespectful way. Any help my Mum can give me with the DC is a bonus. I don’t expect it and I thank her every time.

FairyPoppins · 12/11/2025 20:44

You shouldn't have to justify why you dont want to spend every day and some weekends caring for your grandchildren.
"This no longer works for me anymore" should cover it.
So what if they try and say their dad's wife will look after them - call their bluff and let them get on with it.
It's time you got your life back!

weirdthread · 12/11/2025 20:47

Your daughters sound awful and they are bullying you. These are their kids and finding care for them is their responsibility. You can help on your terms. Your terms - that is key there. Decide what you want for your own life then do that. You're going to have to stand firm and call their bluffs though. You are important and matter too. Your life and time is worth as much as theirs.

Midgetgemsplease · 12/11/2025 20:50

Decide what you want to have in terms of ability to actually live your own life instead of existing as a grandparent (wonderful but not your entire existence) Then give them a date to sort it by. The end. They will soon adjust as as they've said, they do have other options to share it out. They sound entitled

Carandache18 · 12/11/2025 20:53

You are being dreadfully used and bullied. Decide what, if anything, you are prepared to HAPPILY do for your grandchildren, ie. one day a week/fortnight for each family, and let them fight it out between them.
You won't lose contact with the children. They will know by now that you love them. You won't lose out to ex and his partner either, because unless he has found a second saint in his life, she will not welcome such a huge, unreasonable, endless commitment.
Leave your son out of it as much as you can. Talk of New Year, and old friends, tiredness, time to yourself, anything you like.
Your daughters sound appalling. Were they always brats?

MoominMai · 12/11/2025 20:53

FairyPoppins · 12/11/2025 20:44

You shouldn't have to justify why you dont want to spend every day and some weekends caring for your grandchildren.
"This no longer works for me anymore" should cover it.
So what if they try and say their dad's wife will look after them - call their bluff and let them get on with it.
It's time you got your life back!

💯

Totally agree. You shouldn’t have to justify anything to your daughters other than to say it doesn’t work for you and the days need to be amended. It seems as though you’re still doing a FT job when you’re supposed to be retired!

Dont want to be negative but the average retired person will only have a 10-20 max year period where they are healthy enough to travel, see friends and just live after a lifetime of work or rearing their children. You can’t let your daughters bully you into sacrificing the remaining best years of your life for them just because they’re too tight to pay for private childcare.

ManyATrueWord · 12/11/2025 20:54

YABU because you haven't told your daughters. You keep asking for permission.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 12/11/2025 20:54

Your daughters are behaving awfully. Decide what you want to do and do that - whatever you do will never be enough for your daughters so don’t worry about upsetting them or keeping the peace.

momtoboys · 12/11/2025 20:55

You are not their servant. Plans change. You should not be held hostage by plans that no longer work for you. Your daughters are taking the piss.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/11/2025 20:56

NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:10

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

I'm sorry, OP. Your daughters are manipulative little madams who are only thinking of themselves. There is no way that some compromise can't be discussed. You shouldn't have to be putting your own life on hold while theirs goes on as normal.

Figcherry · 12/11/2025 20:56

@NannyNinn just tell your dd’s that from New Year you will have the dgc 3 days a week, take it or leave it.
They need you more than you need them.

arcticpandas · 12/11/2025 20:56

They are selfish entitled bullies. Grow some backbone @NannyNinn . Tell them that actually it would be a great idea for their stepmother to share the childcare with you. She could step in for 2 weeks so you could go to London for starters.

Your relationship to your son and gc is important too. Don't let them down. And you need a life as well. It can't be only chilcare. Tell your daughters that the set up is not working for you anymore. Think about how much chilcare you are willing to help out with and def don't commit to more. There is wrap around care or they can ask their stepmother. You are already helping them out by paying for 1/4 of school costs. Are they grateful atleast?

Ohnobackagain · 12/11/2025 20:58

you are entitled to your own life @NannyNinn especially as they are so ungrateful, selfish, manipulative and controlling.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/11/2025 20:58

I meant to say your daughter reneged on the original arrangements to use holiday clubs, so this is not at all your fault. She just wants to have her cake and eat it. You're doing enough for them and they should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. I bet they use their annual leave to have random days off too withouth the kids, rather than use it to cover school holidays.

euff · 12/11/2025 20:58

I also think you need to decide what you want and inform them not ask them. They sound controlling and abusive by threatening to withdraw contact if you don’t dance to their tune. Let them is my answer to that and go visit your son and do everything and anything else for yourself. If you become vulnerable later in life, how will they treat you?

sothatsthat · 12/11/2025 20:58

Maybe offer 1-2 days a week. Do it in a text and don't respond at all to any abuse.
1-2 days of free care every week is extremely generous and lets you have a life that is not servitude and won't exhaust you.

If they balk at that, your relationship with them is fucked long term anyway, as they are grabby takers, and people like that never stick around once there's nothing in it for them.

sothatsthat · 12/11/2025 20:59

euff · 12/11/2025 20:58

I also think you need to decide what you want and inform them not ask them. They sound controlling and abusive by threatening to withdraw contact if you don’t dance to their tune. Let them is my answer to that and go visit your son and do everything and anything else for yourself. If you become vulnerable later in life, how will they treat you?

Yes, well put.

OriginalUsername2 · 12/11/2025 20:59

Wow they have some audacity assuming new wife will happily take all this on. They don’t seem to have been taught any feminism, eg. Not seeing other adult women as free childcare.

honeylulu · 12/11/2025 20:59

Call their bluff. Say great, hope your stepmum can help. If you get stuck i can still do 2 days a week but that's it. Good luck!

I bet they will strop initially and then there will be furious backpedalling when they realise they are shooting themselves in the foot. Of course it won't mean you won't see those grandchildren again. You're too bloody useful for one thing!

Being a bit less available will likely make them value you more.

Butterflyarms · 12/11/2025 21:01

Your daughters are bullies!

DomPom47 · 12/11/2025 21:01

So much free childcare and paying 1/4 of school fees….they are taking advantage of your good nature and emotionally blackmailing you re potentially witholding contact by way of their father’s partner. Call their bluff. In the short term they may cut contact but realistically so you think their fathers partner would offer even half the childcare you are providing? Hold your ground and get some time back for yourself.

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 12/11/2025 21:01

NannyNinn · 12/11/2025 20:10

I have 3 children, I am divorced so often alone and I have 7 grandchildren. My eldest daughter has 3 children who are 4, 6 and 7, my son has 2 daughters who are 4 and 2 and my youngest daughter has 2 children who are 3 and 5.

We are from Jersey and my daughters still live here very close by, my son moved to London many years ago. When I retired I agreed with my daughters I would help with childcare, mostly before and afterschool, but we did agree they would use holiday clubs. In the end my daughters complained so much about how much the children would prefer to be with me that I agreed to covering holiday clubs too, mainly to keep the peace.

I am now feeling really trapped by this, and I don’t feel as though I made the right choice entirely. I used to be able to go and visit friends or visit my son whenever I wanted to but now I can’t. I used to see my grandchildren in London about once every 6 weeks, now I haven’t seen them since summer, will see them briefly at Christmas and then likely won’t see them again until they come to visit us in April. I know this sounds like a lot to some people but I really do miss them and I struggle with feeling like I’m missing out on the wonderful bond I have with my other grandchildren with them.

I also feel bad for my son as now I can’t easily go and visit them, he has said it’s okay and they will come to us, but I know it’s not easy to travel with small children.

I asked my daughters again today to consider using wraparound care even once or twice a week just to free up more time for weekend visits and to consider holiday clubs again. Both of them almost ganged up on me, told me their father’s new wife would do it instead and that the children would be devastated. I then got accused of showing favouritism to my sons children and I just don’t know how this can be true when I wasn’t saying I wouldn’t help at all but that I’d like a slightly better balance. I also offered to pay the additional costs associated with my 3 year old grandson being in nursery full days instead of half, and any costs incurred by requiring wrap around care, this is in addition to me already paying 1/4 of all my grandchildren’s school fees.

My daughters don’t particularly get on well with my son, I’m not sure why, they seem quite resentful of him at times, I’ve tried to discuss it with them and I’ve always been shut down. My son has also tried to repair this but ultimately decided to leave them to it.

AIBU to want to cut down the days I offered to 3/4 days a week and to ask them to use holiday clubs so I can still have a life of my own. Or do I need to accept I committed to 5 days and keep doing so until at least the end of this school year?
I have a really hard time standing up to my daughters as they often threaten to just cut my contact with my grandchildren who I adore, in favour of their father and his new wife.

Your daughters sound awful! How dare they emotionally blackmail you and its utterly despicable that they are using their children as pawns in all of this!!!
I would set clear boundaries moving forwards and stick to them. Absolutely no room for negotiation e.g.
High awful daughters, I have been reflecting on our current childcare arrangements and unfortunately these terms no longer work for me. As of January I will only be available to help out on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoons until 6pm during term times only.
Lots of love , mum
Let them snipe back with comments about the new wife being able to help etc (i bet she bloody won't long-term even if its not bullshit).

FairFuming · 12/11/2025 21:02

You definitely aren't being unreasonable.
For context my wonderful mother helps me hour hugely by havingy 2 children 2 days a week which I'm very greatful for.

There were conditions put on this when it started.
These included that she chose the days she was willing to have them. She chose to have them at hers as she feels more comfortable there then at my home. She also gets first dibs on my holiday days after birthdays and important dates if she wants to book something.
These are totally reasonable conditions to me and I make sure to never take their help for granted and help my parents as often as I can any any way they need.
Your daughter's are treating you without any respect and are bullying you while you do them such an amazing favour. Please put your foot down.