DS not home yet

[TeenMumCantSleep]

DS 17 went out last night. Texted to say he’ll be coming home after 1am.
i can see where he is on the phone tracker but he’s not answering my texts and phone is going to vm.
do i go round? He’ll be annoyed as he’ll say I can see where he is, but he has not communicated what he is doing or if he is ok.
i went round to a friend’s house in the morning a few weeks ago and he wasn’t happy with me. I knew this friend, but I don’t know whose house he is at right now.
I’m worried but also so cross at his lack of communication - he knows I will be worrying.
what would you do?

I was a teenager in the mid to late 90s and actually Mum would collect us sometimes, when she didn't as gone to a club and said we were staying at each others homes we had some quite risky experiences including having to get rid of some men we didn't like at a London station as we had missed the last train home and had to wait for the first one to run! I suppose DH and I are informed by our own youth. Our youngest is 15 and wanting to go to parties now but all of the parents collect, or DD gets offered a lift by other parents who I haven't met but nobody would let their DD's walk home alone across the City as the houses are dispersed all over the City. I think the tracker has worried me more with DD but then again helpful.

I was going to say, I’m pretty sure when I was 17 my parents didn’t stay awake to see if I came home or decided to stay at a friend’s or at my boyfriend’s, and I don’t think they’d have thanked me for a phone call after midnight either! Not to say they didn’t care - they would still pick me up from various places if needed (sometimes in their pyjamas!) but they weren’t constantly checking up on me. Mind you, that was before mobile phones, so it would have much harder to do so.

This in spades.

Teens/young adults absolutely should tell their parents where they are or if their plans change and if they don’t, or disrespect the boundaries then firm words should be had and plans come up with. (But not be punished or told “I do this for you so you should do this for me”.)

But chasing your kids down is not going to do anyone any favours.

And just because we aren’t getting in the car and chasing them down doesn’t mean we aren’t worried, cross, frustrated. And not going chasing them down doesn’t make us “cool parents”.

Not at 17 it wouldn’t.

Would have landed her in care? I understand from your PP that you're looking at things from the perspective of a child who was neglected but this is a totally inaccurate thing to say. I'm a social worker and I assure you that a teenager being out of home for 48 hours because she's busy working/socialising wouldn't 'land in care'.

1. explain to me how she would have attempted to find out
2. explain to me how I could have kept her informed.

I’m reading this and dread this stage of parenting. I think you dealt with it well x

Great news he is ok, you need to talk to him and tell him what you expect if he is staying out etc.

When was this, if you had no landline?

Embarrassing him might make him more likely to turn off his location or leave his phone somewhere he's not.
And she did know where he is, due to the location.

DS is 18 (still at school) so I'm obviously not going to go looking for him, but I do still worry a lot! Sometimes he's goes out, says he'll be home at 11 and I wake up at 4 am and he's not home. Doesn't answer the text - until I say "Is everything ok, would you like me to come and pick you up?". Usually an immediate informative response!

That's lovely. I'd have liked to have had the trackers. Mine have always let me know, luckily. I have always tried not to pry into their lives too much and it's worked out well for us. They know I care about them and am interested. It's a very fine line. Yes I agree about the difference a year can make and that it can vary so much as they mature at different ages.

@SheinIsShite

those of us with adult kids have been there and learned to let go, it’s hard to sleep with them out! I don’t think trackers are helping either, people become obsessed with knowing where young adults are. I wouldn’t have had a clue about my dd on a Saturday night most the time because she boarded for sixth form and they regularly climbed out of windows and through the hole in the fence (found out after!) but they looked after each other and are still close with some

How do you know there are parents there? I picked dd15 up from a party last night at 1am. She had wanted to stay over but the party of 15 and 16 year olds in a city centre flat had no parents/adults present. I was shocked how many parents were seemingly ok with this as there was about 10 of them staying (mix of boys and girls too). She was slightly annoyed at not being allowed to stay but accepting. There could well be no adults at a 17 yo gathering

Exactly, definitely at 17!

I don't think it would 'would land them in care' mainly as the UK care system is not funded correctly but it isn't great that no one cares where a 17 year old is Friday to Sunday surely, in 2025? I was a teen mid to late 90's all of the parents of my friends would definitely would be worried if their DD had been missing Friday to Sunday so unless we are discussing pre second world war years it seems quite a stretch to think this!

Yes exactly, it is with the benefit of insight I can honestly say I really don’t want my teens expose or involved with high risk situations/people. I now work in an industry where we see firsthand the fall out. County lines, sexual offences, drug dealing, stealing cars, riding in stolen cars and a whole world of other issues that most of us are not remotely aware of. Thankfully.

I mean, the parents would have called the police and even my Mum in the 1960s her parents would have wondered where the heck she was if she hadn't come home after going out Friday night and still not back Sunday without any communication, I know this as my Grandad was very cross with my Dad for not accompanying my Mum home across the City after they had seen each other so much so that my Dad bought a Moped to solve the situation.

1970’s. Lots of my friends didnt have phones in the house.

I'm really glad your DS is home safe. I understand the worry. I follow similar rules with my son that my parents did with me: I had to let them who I was out with, where we'd be going and give them a time I would be home by. If I was going to stay out at a friends house, I had to let them know that. If I would be home later than I'd said, I had to let them know. It was just courteous. I lived at my parents place up into my 20's and still did this. If my siblings/myself were staying at our parents house as adults, we'd let them know our plans etc. I expect my son/my kids to do the same with me.

My DD is 12, my DS is 19: DS lives at home still. He finished his A Levels this summer and is working (waiting to join up). He's a sensible guy, and I know he can look after himself (he's done martial arts since he was 5 and has a black belt) but he knows that I won't sleep until he is home safe (he rides a motorbike to and from work, and does shift work). I just like to know he's safe. We all have the basic Life 360 thing on our phones: I work FT as a nurse (so I've seen enough in my >25yrs working in hospitals!), my DD walks herself to/from school, my son does shift work. I don't spend my life checking out where my kids are. I do check if my son is still at work, way beyond the time his shift has finished (just so I know that maybe his shift has over-run)...or if he's not yet home at a time he says he will be home by. And I like to see that my daughter is home safe or at school safe (she and her friends have to walk through a creepy forest path to get to/from school). They can see where I am too.

There were a few occasions where I have phoned or texted to see where he was if late, but he knows he has to let me know what's happening and that he's ok. There have been times where I've had to run out and get him/his mates and see them home safely (if they ended up getting really drunk). A couple of months back, he was out with friends and said he'd be home by midnight (a friend was also going to stay at our place). I had dosed off (very unusual for me to do that) but I woke at 1am, saw he wasn't home and checked where he was on Life 360. It showed the local hospital! I called him and it turned out that one of his friends had been set upon earlier in the evening (they'd just left the pub and were deciding whether to get a burger or a kebab for their walk home, when a random drunk guy started on the friend) and was in A+E. I dashed out to get them, and took them all home. Thank God his friend was ok: I messaged parents to let them know situ and that the boys were all safe at my place.

Another time a couple of years back, kids and I were at home one evening (it was a school/work night) and then DS got a message from one of his friends asking for his help: a couple of the girls they knew were v drunk and somewhere in "x park" (a park in town, known for where people drink/take drugs) and ANOTHER friend had messaged him to let him know (friend had been at home with his family). It was below zero temps in January. I dashed out with my son to meet the friend who had telephoned and go find the girls (my son was going to go alone with his friend to try and find them, but I insisted I'd go with them - as much to protect him/his mate as to ensure that the girls were ok) and get the girls back to their homes (about 10miles out of town - no taxi would have taken them and buses had stopped running by that point). One of the girls parents initially thought that my son/his mate had been the one that plied them with alcohol: I was able to explain what had happened to them (and that my son had been at home with me all evening). I think occasions like that have taught my son why I want to know what is happening and that he/his friends are safe...and that it is important to be open with parents about what's happening.

I don't think I'm molly coddling or being too strict. But my kids know that they can talk to me, and contact me if there is a problem, and I will be there. They also know that their friends are welcome here at the house and I will watch over them if need be.

Love the ‘back in my day there were no phones’ comments. Me either as a teenager in the early-mid nineties.

There were no seatbelts and smoking was allowed in my classroom in the 1980’s - should we still be doing that?

Population and culture were very different to today. With the benefit of age I can see I was in risky situations and a phone would have been useful.

We have a rule in this house that no matter how old you are (I include myself in this) then you always announce when you are home, announce when you are going out and keep those at home updated on when you will be back or if you are staying out or if you are bringing guests back. Just common decency whether you are 16 or 76. It’s not about judgement or trying to restrict anyone it is purely to avoid anyone having a sleepless night or worrying needlessly.

No not uncommon then. Why you were never seemed to be far from a phone box.

TBH it's swings and roundabouts at all stages!

Can’t see any comments saying we shouldn’t have phones now.

Think it’s very clear the “well I didn’t have a phone and was fine and therefore you don’t need to be able to call or track” sentiment is well understood by most posters.