DS not home yet

[TeenMumCantSleep]

DS 17 went out last night. Texted to say he’ll be coming home after 1am.
i can see where he is on the phone tracker but he’s not answering my texts and phone is going to vm.
do i go round? He’ll be annoyed as he’ll say I can see where he is, but he has not communicated what he is doing or if he is ok.
i went round to a friend’s house in the morning a few weeks ago and he wasn’t happy with me. I knew this friend, but I don’t know whose house he is at right now.
I’m worried but also so cross at his lack of communication - he knows I will be worrying.
what would you do?

Wow - quite a range of responses! I'm glad he is ok, OP. Most of us do understand why you were worried, and your dilemma about what to do. xx

This, we were at his age.

Am I the only mum that just goes to sleep when their 17 yr old is out then? 👀
Is that bad?
I don't even wake when he comes in as he's so quiet. I saw the light I leave on was off when I woke at 5am this morning so I know he's in.

Mind boggled that there are apparently households where every member of the family is responsible for their own laundry rather than it just all going in the machine when there's enough for a load. Bizarre.

I’m sure you’re not alone
but for me… this is unfathomable!

Well there we go

we both had great experiences

and if you, like me, now financially and wholly independent and happy - then all worked out well in the end!

That’s great to hear. My DC are now in their 30s but I remember what it was like at that age and I do feel for you. I was more relaxed when they went off to university and I had no idea what they were doing!!

I don’t know what is worse, being left for DAYS at a time goodness knows where and with whom, without a raised eyebrow as a minor, or the fact you are seemingly unaware that this is extremely poor parenting.

I am sorry you were not cared for properly.

I’m glad he contacted you & is safe ..
They’re such a worry , no matter what age they are & all it takes is a reply back 🙄
I have a 21 year old son & 23 year old son , I have daughters also ..
It’s busier when they’re little but give me busy any day !
Anyway, glad all is well .. x x

The amount of people trying to seem like cool parents on here is ridiculous. He's 17, not 27. Its perfectly normal to expect your teens to let you know where they are. You are legally a child in terms of safeguarding until you turn 18.

I was home by 11 until I left home. I was of course allowed to stay at friend's houses, but I was expected to let my parents know. It's totally normal. It's not controlling to expect your teen to be home at an acceptable hour on school nights, and to let you know their location on a weekend.

I also actually think that no matter your age, it's common courtesy to let your household members know if you'll be stopping out. I text my partner if I'm running late or something!

Also would be interesting to see how the responses change for a daughter.

There is a vast gulf between going back to sleep without caring and getting in the car and driving to someone's house at 4am.
Last night my DS was back late. I woke up at 11.30 and found he wasn't here. I checked his location and stayed awake until he came in the door. I do understand that parents worry, I do too. But would I go searching for him when I could see where he was? Absolutely not. It's a massive overreaction. It's infantilising. And it wouldn't have been possible before smartphones - it's a direct consequence of the negative impact of smartphones on our generation of kids. They don't get the same autonomy that 17 year olds have had since the dawn of time.

So you track?

because in your first post you expressed horror at tracking

Yes and no. I acknowledge that parenting a boy is different to parenting a girl. But I've also been a 17 year old girl and can imagine how suffocated and stressed I would have felt if treated like a child at that age. There's still a balance to strike.

Suffocated and stressed

I didn’t feel like that in the slightest
and my son… we’ll never given a whiff he does either. Sitting in the car waiting to take him to rugby!

So?
he's 17. Why does she need to know exactly who's house he is staying at or with whom?

Staying out to late (11pm/12pm) is not being treated like a child. Easing your child into adulthood slowly is the bare minimum of parenting.

Teens tend to feel safe rather than suffocated with some light boundaries and limitations. It does actually keep them safer, they sense they are loved, valued and worthy because their parents care about them.

No I didn't I said Being able to track our kids and text them for immediate responses is making our generation of parents vastly overprotective. and I stand by that. I didn't say I don't track my DS, I do, with his consent, which he is fine with at the moment. But I'm very mindful of the potential to become overly involved, overprotective and paranoid about his whereabouts. I try very hard to keep it in proportion. I do not want to limit his life because of my maternal anxieties. Those are my responsibility to keep a hold on, and not allow to impact on him.

I say that as someone left to run free, I had no idea now to look after myself. Or how much harm could come to me. It felt like neglect rather than freedom, and I envied the teens that were valued enough due their parents to come out and get them, making sure they were alright.

They had the benefit of that love and care. Being left to roam has its limits, and you are definitely exposed to more than most.

Once I adjusted to my oldest son being out late I did too to be honest. He did get really good at keeping in touch so I'd wake up to a string of messages like;
"just in town with John still"
"heading to Jane's now"
"still at Janes"
"back home"
He would message me when he got home so I didn't even have to get up to check when I woke up!

My DS is 18 but asked me to have the tracker when he was a sixth former not the other way around as he wanted to see where we (DH & I) were and preferred it to me texting him all the time, I was hesitant as I work in Privacy/info security and was worried about the ethics.

I would have been worried because of the lack of contact as he could have been very drunk and being sick. At 18 it's not like you stop worrying, my DS went to a music event in East London last week we live an hour and a bit away from that part of London and he came home in the early hours, I had work the next day as did he but there's definitely a shift in maturity between now and sixth form days, he even looks like a young man not a boy, the fact is, there is a reason 18 is an adult and there isn't really much you can do about it at 17 they are not. However, DS would let me know if he was staying out later or over someone's house as there is a maturity of thought that he had less of in the sixth form.

I was cared for properly. We had no methods of communication in those days.

Plus I was 17. I’d been working since I was 15. I lived far away from the city and couldn’t afford taxis home all the time by myself. It was absolutely no big deal.

Is he broadly sensible with decent friends? Also have a 17 year old she seems really grown up. We trust her now and will go to bed if she’s out after checking she’s ok. They often stay up late after the pub chatting or playing board games. She either stays over or gets an uber back if she’s working the next day. She’s 17 going on 25 though. .

Some of us were working full time and didn’t need molly coddling. Too busy being out 5 nights a week.

I would have said your set up was unusual at such a young age. And would have landed you in care these days.