DS not home yet

[TeenMumCantSleep]

DS 17 went out last night. Texted to say he’ll be coming home after 1am.
i can see where he is on the phone tracker but he’s not answering my texts and phone is going to vm.
do i go round? He’ll be annoyed as he’ll say I can see where he is, but he has not communicated what he is doing or if he is ok.
i went round to a friend’s house in the morning a few weeks ago and he wasn’t happy with me. I knew this friend, but I don’t know whose house he is at right now.
I’m worried but also so cross at his lack of communication - he knows I will be worrying.
what would you do?

Yes as a one off and I wouldn't go out looking for them or knock on the door but they have to know that this is not acceptable.

I totally agree. I do find a lot of parents can be very blasé about how vulnerable teens can be. Teenagers are known to be poor at risk assessment, they tend to think they are invincible.

My 19 and 23 year old still live at home. They can stay out all night however a quick text to say “I am not coming home tonight” is expected. I would do the same ! It’s common courtesy and stops the people waiting at home worrying.

They will never understand the sheer worry at that age, until they have kids themselves.

My son did some really stupid and dangerous things at that age.

Oh and for the record I can see my adult children’s locations (and they mine). We all agreed on it. I find it reassuring not over controlling and they like to know when I am on my way home !

And pays for his own life? @PumpkinTwistyWindToots Cooks? Buys his own groceries? Sets up own doc and dentist appointments? Drives? Very much an Iindependents adult?

my 17 year old ds is not very much an independent adult. Nor was I at his age!

so it’s a quid pro quo…. I do things for you. You do this for me

Depends where he is. If he's at the home of a friend or GF, then no I wouldn't. If its somewhere where you're not sure of his safety, then yes I would. I'd rather my DS be annoyed with me than lying hurt or incapable somewhere. And if he doesn't like it then he needs to take a couple of minutes to tell you his plans have changed.

Still reeling from @PumpkinTwistyWindToots curious about what could possibly have happened to a 17 year old DS at 4am in the morning

No of course not. But my responses were to the OP and people telling her it's totally normal behaviour to go out at 4am to a house where your 17 year old is sleeping and wake him up and the rest of the household. It's really not.

His school would even ring me if he hadn’t turned up for registration!

It’s not “normal” for you

but as this thread demonstrates, most of us parents would be concerned and would not roll over and go back to sleep

It really isn’t “I do this for you, you do this for me”. Relationships should never be transactional, it’s a form of control.

Communication, boundaries, explanation and education is the best way and what’s needed. Especially at this incredibly precarious age.

Of course we would be concerned and not roll over and go to sleep. But going round there is not the answer!

Teens will make us pull our hair out with worry almost every day. But suffocation and control will not serve any of us now or as our relationships grow in the future.

I want to make my boy’s life easier and more free so he can enjoy all his sports and social life… so he doesn’t work, and I generally cook for him, so most of his laundry, pay for mobile and clothing, buy him toiletries, drive him to matches etc

so asking him to be back at a certain agreed time seems like something he can do for me

and he does

maybe there’s a difference between those at 17 still at school. My son at a school where they would call me if he wasn’t present for registration

My 17 year old has done this occasionally, they’re almost 18 and so unless he puts himself in danger (he’s usually just dossing at a mates) then I leave him to it.

And it’s lovely that you do that for him (for the record I do that for mine too), but it should be a separate issue.

Kids should never ever hear “I do this for you so you should do this for me”

You do his laundry because you love him.

He keeps you updated and respects your boundaries because he loves you.

My oldest did that a couple times at 17, I did manage to drum it into him that I didn't mind if he was going to stay out later/stay at a freinds but he had to let me know. I was like "I trust you but I love you and I can't help but worry about you" blah blah until he got it! I have never tracked him, but he would always let me know where he was going.

Anyway he is now 18 and flatting with his girlfriend, so I have no idea what time he gets home. Have my 15 year old to go through it all again though!

It isn’t worded like that!

Apologies if I misinterpreted your point. I was just going off:

“so it’s a quid pro quo…. I do things for you. You do this for me”

Which very much comes across as a transactional attitude.

It sounds like we’re saying the same thing in different ways then.

17 is a funny age, I don’t look forward to it with my kids! 16 and 18 are a bit more obvious in how to tackle.

Yes - that’s the case in the abstract
but it’s just a… you know to be back by XYZ and a “yeah” in response!
job done 🤷‍♀️

How old is your son @FlyingUnicornWings out of interest?

I know it’s tough at 17, but you have to learn to trust them. My DDs were always good at texting, but still it’s hard knowing they are out (and later find out weren’t always truthful as to where!)

Would your hire be any different @PumpkinTwistyWindToots if this was a 17 year old DD?

He’s a young adult in his early 20s. Why?