DS not home yet

[TeenMumCantSleep]

DS 17 went out last night. Texted to say he’ll be coming home after 1am.
i can see where he is on the phone tracker but he’s not answering my texts and phone is going to vm.
do i go round? He’ll be annoyed as he’ll say I can see where he is, but he has not communicated what he is doing or if he is ok.
i went round to a friend’s house in the morning a few weeks ago and he wasn’t happy with me. I knew this friend, but I don’t know whose house he is at right now.
I’m worried but also so cross at his lack of communication - he knows I will be worrying.
what would you do?

Glad he is safe OP.

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At 17 this is a bit much. I know I’m not usual but I left home at 16 and had a baby at 17. He’s very nearly an adult. Many 18 year olds have left to go live near uni. You’re being a bit OTT and suffocating, especially turning up at his friends houses when you track him anyway so can see he’s there safe. It would be a different story perhaps if you checked and saw him roaming around the streets.

Glad he’s ok.. it’s hard trying to give independence.

why don’t you see how it unfolds today.. let him come back when he’s ready, no more messages. If you overreact he’ll close up, give him the space then when he’s back he’ll be much more likely to chat to you.

try and hold your nerve.. he’ll respect you for it and bring you closer together xx

I’m really surprised how blasé some people are. I’d be worried and going to see where he is.
Very glad to hear he’s replied!

Oh I remember those days so well. They do pass.

Bollocking later today.

Firm words need to be had when he’s home. I’d be furious if my DS17 did this. He’s not at uni yet. He’s still legally a child, and if anything happened the police would take the view that you should know where he is.

Mine would be told that if he thinks he’s old enough to behave like an adult, then that will extend to other areas of his life. He will now do his own cooking, laundry etc.

My eldest is 16 and fortunately considerate; I don't track her but I do expect a text. If I didn't get one more than once she would be banned from going out until she could prove better responsibility. In OPs position I would be getting her as the inevitable consequence of no text.

At this stage you are still parenting and teaching them the behaviours and awareness they need for when they leave home. Both in terms of personal safety and basic consideration for others.

When he is 18 and living at uni he will be an adult, and old enough to take care of himself (hopefully) but at the moment he is still considered to be a child in the eyes of the law, and as such he is under the care of his parents.

It’s not a race to the bottom leaving dc to fend for themselves in the middle of the night - it is not cool, it’s just stupid and poor parenting.

But she knows where he was? And he was asleep. Why would you need to go and look for him?

if anything happened the police would take the view that you should know where he is.

What do you mean by this? Do you think you'd get in some kind of legal trouble if anything happened to him?

What do you mean fend for themselves? He was asleep at a friend's house!

Why would a 17 year old boy possibly be not ok at 4am having said he’d be back at 1am??!

I mean… I can’t quite dignify this question with an answer 😆

@PumpkinTwistyWindToots

you have a 17 year old DS? If so, does he work? Sixth form?

Yes I do, he goes to college and works
he also socialises with friends, drinks alcohol and occasionally stays out later than he's supposed to

Mine are older now but I do remember this horrible phase … getting up for a wee in the early hours and seeing their door open with an empty bed and no text message. It’s thoughtless and inconsiderate.

Things always seem worse at night for some reason … I’d lie there convinced DD was in a ditch somewhere.

But she knew where he was! He was at the friend's house, the tracker said so.

Would it matter? A parent is ethically, legally and in all ways still responsible for a child, and he is a child until he is eighteen. I assume she loves him too, and that might play a part in her concern for him 🙄

This.
You're lucky that he's allowing you to track him. Mine would never have allowed that. You don't want him switching it off. Just let him know it's because you care and not because you want to know where he is 24/7. Does he have tracking on you too?
Glad you know he's safe. I wouldn't have slept either until I knew for sure.

Genuinely always irritates me that some op have terrible childhoods and are left to their own devices from a young age, and therefore everyone should do the same with their dc. This is somehow the gold standard?!

Care for your young teens. There are risks, and they are uniquely vulnerable. Some of those risks will result in very poor outcomes, and will be irreversible and possibly irreparable. OP’s dh is not wrong to be alert to them.
It happens more than you imagine.

Parenting is a balance, all the way through to adulthood.

Op is not unreasonable, he is only 17. No doubt he is testing their boundaries and limits, it’s a good idea to respond calmly but fitmly. Rein in the time he gets home, he needs to keep you updated or the phone goes along with all privileges and he can stay at home.

It’s a horrible phase. I remember it well. But going round to check on him is suffocating. You have to accept that teens are sneaky little buggers, they won’t tell you everything and have a mind of their own. This age is the tone they really start separating from you, and the more suffocating you are, the more they’ll pull away, the less they’ll tell you, the more they’ll withdraw from you.

A firm talking to today about boundaries and updating you is needed for sure, but you do need to step back a little. You need to develop a relationship built on mutual respect and trust. Not “if you don’t stick to my rules then I’m going to punish you” (by humiliating you turning up or grounding as someone else suggested, or not doing your laundry any more etc etc). You also need to let him feel safe enough for you to be the first person he calls if he’s in trouble or danger. He needs to know he can call you in any situation without getting a bollocking from you. That you’ll come and get him no questions asked.

Jumping in the car and going round to see him or collect him because he’s not replying to your text is absurd in my eyes. Fair enough if his location was that he was in a ditch or a road somewhere, there’d be no hesitation, but he was at someone’s house, with other people and if there was an emergency you’d soon find out.

Parenting teens and young adults is a permanent roller coaster ride of drama and stress, but it’s time to loosen the apron strings imo,

Not the same thing at all. My DS is at uni but when he comes home he lets me know if he is staying out. It is normal to worry if anyone in the household just doesn't come home without a message. It is a basis courtesy that needs to be learned.

My DS did do this at that age but you have to persist with reminding them that it is not acceptable, it sinks in eventually.

I am sure he will be fine and think you did the right thing not waking up a household at 4 am. I know he is only 17 but can you look at things a different way - you will have to let go of him soon and you won't know what he is up to or where he is. Could you focus on talking with him about how to keep himself safe eg always go drinking with a friend and don't leave each other, look out for each other, don't fall asleep on your back, etc. your dh must have some good advice about how to avoid fights and so on if he has been in the police. Your son is in that stage where he needs to take over responsibility for his own safety and i think this might be an approach to try rather than focusing on your needs to not feel anxious, which clearly is not working with your son.

Yes of course it's a courtesy to tell you if he's staying out. But if he forgets and falls asleep and you know where he is do you get in the car at 4am and go find him or do you give him a bollocking the next day?!

I am not sure that I would have a tracker on my DC though as that seems a bit much over the age of 14.

Ok @PumpkinTwistyWindToots

It’s wonderful you have psychic ability and nothing will ever go wrong for your DC. “Well done you” 👏

Or you could also remember this is a DS issue not a mum being neurotic issue and not everyone has the same boundaries as you. OP can set whatever rules she likes and if the rule is you text - that is what DS is required to do - whilst she is no doubt funding his phone and all other outgoings.

Also OP clearly stated she didn’t know the house.