DS not home yet

[TeenMumCantSleep]

DS 17 went out last night. Texted to say he’ll be coming home after 1am.
i can see where he is on the phone tracker but he’s not answering my texts and phone is going to vm.
do i go round? He’ll be annoyed as he’ll say I can see where he is, but he has not communicated what he is doing or if he is ok.
i went round to a friend’s house in the morning a few weeks ago and he wasn’t happy with me. I knew this friend, but I don’t know whose house he is at right now.
I’m worried but also so cross at his lack of communication - he knows I will be worrying.
what would you do?

That’s good op. Maybe have a conversation along the lines of, ‘If you don’t let me know what’s happening, I will want to come and see that you’re ok. I don’t want to have to do that as it’s worrying for me and probably a bit embarrassing for you. So could you please ensure you let me know what’s going on?’ Then if remind him before he goes out next time and he doesn’t, it’s on him not you.

If he still doesn’t do that next time, it’s possible to give him a curfew and consequence. Ground him for the week for example.

He’s 17! Stop tracking his phone and let him live his life. Surely he can change his mind and come home later if he wants to? You sound suffocating.

As the person with a perfect party house who always has quite a few teens over, I can say to you if he’s in a right state the parents will let you know. They won’t want responsibility for any overly drunk teenagers.

My son is 17, it’s that age where they’re experimenting with alcohol a bit, they’re mostly amusingly ridiculous, not in danger.

Strange he does answer after you showed up at his friend's place. Ground him. Your house, your rules. Explain that if he does not pick up once again, there will be no going out at all.

Sweet Jesus I’d have woken up, seen he wasn’t there, waited 15 mins for a response and then pulled my jumper on and gone for my car keys.

Yes yes, I know lots of mumsnetters had moved out, got three jobs and bought a property by 17

but I hadn’t
and my children haven’t
and at 17…. Bloody hell id have been in my car without a thought

😵‍💫
the op didn’t go around to his friend’s

Glad he’s safe OP - these threads always make my stomach drop as I remember only too well that worry when they’re late teens and out for a night!

I have dc also 17 and we have an agreed curfew and time home. It is midnight. We usually pick up.

I personally think 1am is much too late, they are not adults yet and you need more boundaries not less. You want dc to have fun and freedom - but they are only 17 and still a minor. I wouldn’t be happy either op.

I’d not be happy either OP.

When he’s moved out and at uni he can be thoughtless. When he’s still living at home and you’re funding it, a text message to avoid an embarrassing mum moment is entirely within his control.

Glad he is safe and messaged you!

Presumably he was sleeping when you were messaging him, OP!

He's 17! You can't ground a 17 year old FFS

OP I do get this, I have a 17 year old. But if they don't come home but you can see they are in one place you assume they have fallen asleep/got drunk and will be staying over and you go to bed. Staying awake all night contemplating going round to a house to find him is crazy behaviour. You need to be able to trust that he's old enough to keep himself safe. Being able to track our kids and text them for immediate responses is making our generation of parents vastly overprotective.

Were you always home by midnight at 17??

You see I don’t get this.

My 17 year old doesn’t work. I pay for everything. He is financially dependent on me. I cook for him, do a lot of his laundry, get the food in for him, will take him to matches and arrange doc and dentist apps for him etc

Essentially I still very very much still parent him

so the quid pro quo is I get to set some reasonable ground rules

Yes. At 17

2 years later at university…. Nope!

My sons are 25 and 22 now but did do this ( a lot! ) when a similar age. I said I just want a text to confirm you are ok and staying out. Then I can sleep- if I assume you are coming home and you don’t then I’ll be worried and thinking the worst. They were generally pretty good at it.

God knows how my own parents coped in the 90s with me out galavanting all weekend and no communication home at all.

I’m glad he’s safe but yes, definitely talk to him about it today.
My son is in his 20’s and he knows perfectly well that he can stay out if he likes but he has to text me to let me know that he won’t be back. I’m a worrier too! Even if I don’t see the text until the morning. It’s basic courtesy, especially at your son’s age!

I'm not saying this is good behaviour from him but grounding is ridiculous and chasing him down at 3am is also ridiculous.
Set a boundary by all means, give him a consequence after the fact, but you need to keep it in proportion!

Chasing him down?

it was 4am
he had said home at 1am
The op was going to go to his last known location to check he was ok

What would your “consequence” be @PumpkinTwistyWindToots ?

I love and respect my son enough to do a HUGE amount of things for him to make his life easier and more pleasant

So it seems fair he can respect me enough to agree a time to be back with me, and stick to it

Thankfully he agrees with me

This. They may well be living away from home in a year's time. But while they are home they need to let you know what they are doing. It was easy for DDs to understand as everyone in the house did the same. They would expect me or DH to text if we were going to be home later than planned, or if plans changed, and we did, so it wasn't just a case if a poor unfortunate teenager being asked to do something different 🙂

Can we remind ourselves this is a DS problem. if he doesn’t want his mum showing up he knows all he has to do is send a 3 second text.

Done.

If he can’t, well he’s both thoughtless and probably in a state he shouldn’t be age 17. If he wants mum to keep paying for him to go out, maybe he should grow up and send a text message.

And why wouldn't he be ok? What does anyone actually think could have happened? If he had been hurt then someone would have phoned her. The reality is that he had a few too many and fell asleep before texting mum. That was always going to be the outcome so driving round to check on him at 4am would have been mad behaviour.