Co-parenting with the Ex-MIL

[TheMellowOrca]

Apologises this is so long, I am trying to give as much information as I can so I do not drip feed!
Myself and my husband split in June, and he moved into his mums house. She rents, and he pays rent to her. Myself and the ex-MIL have been no contact since I was 36 weeks pregnant with my youngest, as she has done various things in the past (that’s a WHOLE other thread!) and I text her outlining some boundaries and she told us that she had called the police to say that I was causing undue distress to her and my unborn child.
We have two children (DS3 & DD2). Ex-H asked to have the children for dinner on a Wednesday and then to stay Friday – Sunday every other weekend. To also have them for dinner on the Fridays that he didn’t have them at the weekend. I said that Friday – Wednesday might be a big gap (if he didn’t see them at the weekend) and to have them on a Tuesday instead, but if this didn’t work, we could come to another agreement.
Now, Tuesdays do not work. Since September DS has been in nursery 5 days a week and DD 4 days, Tuesday being the day she stays with me. Every Tuesday, there has been tears and distress with either one of the children. I won’t list them all, but essentially the children have not wanted to leave and go with him. I have encouraged them to but every week it’s the same. One week he did not get back in time to collect DS from nursery, his mother will collect him and then Ex-H comes and collect DD from me. The last time he didn’t get back until gone 6, which would mean him not seeing DD.
I have said that the contact day during the week needs to change to a Wednesday, so both children are collected from nursery, as on a Friday, they go with no issues.
His mother will not allow him to have the children on a Wednesday, no other reason than because I have requested it. This week he told me that they had workmen in so the children couldn’t be in the house, I said to take them out for dinner and then he could do bath and bedtime at mine. DS woke up the next morning very upset because Daddy wasn’t still there, that cant happen anymore. Its also come to light that there were no workman and Ex-MIL refused to have the children there. I have done my MIAM meeting with a mediator but he has refused to contact her.
I do not really know what I am asking here – but what do I do? I don’t know where to turn from here.

AIBU to change to the contact day?

You're not unreasonable to change the contact day and it should be something you and your ex sort out between yourselves with the children's best interests in mind. If his mother is going to get in the way of this, that's his problem to sort out. I would stick to every other weekend until he agrees to Wednesday, or just have him take the children out for a couple of hours if he can't take them home.

YANBU (you are not being unreasonable) — not even slightly.

@TheMellowOrca — a few things stood out reading this:

The contact day. You're not being unreasonable to want a day that actually works for the children. Wednesday makes practical sense — both kids collected from nursery, no gap that leaves DD not seeing him for over a week. You proposed a sensible compromise, he initially agreed to try Tuesday, it's not working, you've suggested an alternative. That's just... normal co-parenting problem-solving. The distress on Tuesdays isn't nothing either — that's actual evidence the current arrangement isn't working for the children, which is what contact is supposed to be centred on.

The elephant in the room: this isn't really about Wednesdays. Your ex-Husband doesn't get to have his mother veto contact days. He is the children's father — he has parental responsibility, not her. If he wants to see his kids on a Wednesday, he can, whether or not his mum "allows" it in her house. The fact that he's letting her dictate this tells you where the actual problem sits. And the "workmen" excuse turning out to be a lie is honestly the most telling bit of your whole post — that's not a scheduling issue, that's him choosing to let his mother's grudge against you override his own children's routine and then lying to you about it.

The bedtime thing. Also, totally reasonable of you to say that can't happen again. A child waking up upset because he's confused about where his dad is isn't "keeping the peace," it's genuinely unsettling for a small child. You're allowed to hold a boundary there.

Practically, where I'd go from here:

• Put the Wednesday proposal to him in writing (text/email/WhatsApp — whatever, just something dated) as a clear, single request, with a reasonable deadline for a response. Keep it unemotional and child-focused: "For DS and DD's routine, Wednesday is the day that works around nursery. Can you confirm you're able to do Wednesdays going forward."
• You've already done your MIAM — that's the hard bit done. If he won't engage with mediation, you can apply to court for a Child Arrangements Order without him having attended (you just need the mediator to sign the exemption form, which they'll do if he's refused). You don't need his agreement to start that process.

• Keep a written log of missed/late/changed contact and the impact on the children — dates, what happened, how the kids were afterwards. Doesn't need to be dramatic, just factual. If this does end up in front of a mediator or court, that kind of record is exactly what's useful.
• Try not to engage with the ex-MIL at all in any of this — she has no standing here, and any court would be looking at what suits the children, not what she'll permit in her house.

You're doing the sensible thing trying to sort a workable schedule for two small children. The fact that a grown man is letting his mum block a Wednesday visit is the actual issue on this thread, not you.

Look, if OP wants an AI reply she could do that herself.

It's not an AI teply and even it was why do you care - she has asked for advice and she has received advice. She can choose whether or not to follow that advice. If you have nothing positive to say then mind your own business.