MIL called me cruel for putting DD in the crèche at the gym

[Ganes]

I have 2 DC, I work part time 3 days a week, my eldest is 4 and my youngest turned 2 in August. Since my DC were 3 months (the minimum age) I’ve been putting them in the crèche at my gym for an hour while I go to a class or do a work out. Right now our set up is generally on my two non working days I drop my oldest at school, we drive to the gym, DD goes into the crèche for an hour roughly from 9.15-10.15, we have a little play in the play area then either stay at the gym for swimming or go to a toddler ballet class from 11-11.30. The rest of the day we play together, make lunch together all sorts. She doesn’t always nap now but I do put her down for a nap around 1.30 sometimes she just plays in her room other times she will nap, then she is back up at 2 and we get another hour of play before picking up big sister from school at 3.15 (only a 5 or so minute walk away). I’ve done this with both my DDs, and typically on Saturdays both DH and I go to the gym together and the girls spend an hour in the crèche.
Tonight MIL said this was cruel and I clearly don’t enjoy my children’s company very much. MIL is usually lovely and is very supportive so this took me by surprise and now I’m wondering, is it cruel!
I really enjoy going to the gym, I feel it improves my mental health and I obviously can’t go while I’m at work! DH tends to go 2-3 mornings a week before going to work so he gets his time to go.

AIBU putting my DC in the crèche at our gym?

Also it depends on DC. Some babies and toddlers are really easy going, so are quite happy in crechè from a young age. Mine was (and years later still is!) on the intense side, so I could not leave him in this type of crechè or holiday kids club until he was much older - at least 3 and a half for an hour in supermarket crechè and much older for holiday kids club (but the pandemic got in the way of holidays, so he might have gone a bit earlier otherwise). I had no family support nearby and my husband worked long hours, DC was a terrible sleeper and had max 2 x 20 minute naps a day - I was soooo desperate for a break for years!

I think it's really important that this sort of infrastructure is available for parents. It can be a sanity saver for people who have little support otherwise. Good on you for using it when you had the opportunity!

MIL is being very nasty. I would keep an eye on whether her comments are nastier when DH/others are not around. I experienced this, and it was very undermining and ruined an already cool relationship (I have never been good enough for her first born, even though she barely has a relationship with him). So my advice is to nip it in the bud asap (preferably with DH putting his foot down to his mum, since MILs tend to listen to their boys more than to DILs).

I was just like you, @Ganes , we used nanny services on holiday, creche at the gym, the creche at IKEA, all sorts of short time period childcare, as well as their regular nursery hours. My kids loved having a change of scene and a new person to interact with for an hour or two. I now have two confident and happy older teens. Yours will be just fine. Your MIL is talking rubbish and being a bit of a cow implying you don't like your children.

Of course the mother’s health is important. I meant that for me the stress of leaving my baby there would outweigh the benefits of any exercise I might do there. I would not have relaxed leaving my baby with strangers (however qualified). I do exercise but did not leave DC with crèche staff at that age. I exercised at home or did parkrun or waited until DH was around.

As a mum you will get a ton of unwanted and/or idiotic opinions from here, there and everywhere. Ignore, ignore and ignore again. Especially the guilt tripping.

My mistake. Then your MIL is being a dick.

Your MIL (and some of the posts on here) sounds nuts. Becoming a mother doesnt mean you now forgo everything else in your life, especially things that help keep you mentally and physically healthy. Using a gym creche for a couple of hours a week is obviously absolutely fine please ignore her. My DH and I did something similar when my youngest was a baby and toddler - i would go a couple of times during the week on mat leave and we would go as a family at the weekend, have a bit of time to ourselves then have family time in the pool / cafe / play area. I miss those days of David Lloyd 😁

Really?

What about one child families who's kid is desperate to play with other children?

What about parents of intense poor sleepers who need a couple of hours of rest to recharge their batteries?

What about parents who take care of their kids 24/7 (like I did) who spend no time apart from their child?

What about giving kids the opportunity to take part in fun activities that they might not otherwise have the chance to experience?

My kid was not temperamentally suited to being left alone at kids holiday clubs until quite a bit older, so I sat on the sidelines while he joined in. He absolutely loved it! Once he was older and wanted to go alone it gave him a lot of enjoyment and independence. When he eventually got bored of us working our way through a multi-course dinner he would choose to pop off to the kids club and join in the fun instead.

Do you know what, I think this is the classic grandmother ridiculousness. MIL was NOT the kind of mother who spent loads of time with her children - but as a grandmother, she's very present and engaged with her grandchildren and much "softer", for want of a better word, than she ever was with her own children. So her patience with them, her happiness to just hang out in the same room is hilariously endless vs when SHE was the mother!

So I could easily imagine her saying something silly like this to me and me laughing at her and saying, "MIL - you left DH and SIL with random nannies, your parents, school etc practically from the day they were born, don't be silly"

My mum, on the other hand, always said that when she was a grandmother the thing she was looking forward to the most was being able to have all the fun, good times with them then hand them back to us for the hard work! haha. At least she understood that her approach to being a grandparent would, by its very nature, be different to her approach to being a parent.

I suspect you're at a David Lloyd - you'll be able to put them in the FREE activities any day now. Dont' tell her that, she'll have a melt down! :)

Also the "why wouldn't you spend all weekend withyour children in family time crowd".... argh!

yeah, DD loved kids club SOOO much at the last place we stayed at that she BEGGED us to put her in while we did check out etc... even if it was onl y for an hour. She was devastated when we came to collect her.

Mine wouldn't go when they were young and I was so envious of people who could send the kids happily off to a kids club for a fewhours, then all enjoy a lovely family afternoon together.

Sounds like you have the ideal set up!! Time together, time for yourself and time for the family!!
For those criticising, it's an hour, that's all and somewhere the OP clearly feels safe with and the child enjoys!

She is being ridiculous and I would reduce her contact with them. Be busy the next few times she asks.

You're happy, your kid is happy. Stuff what MIL thinks.

And be smug when you drop her on her first day in Reception and she isn't 'that child' clinging to you and howling. Well done for raising an independent and confident child who can be looked after by others!

The nursery I used to work at allowed baby's from I believe 6 or 8 weeks old, and many parents had to use the nursery for the tiny babies. You're right an hour a day isn't bad at all, then spending time together after. It sounds like op has a lovely routine.

When I was pregnant with my 3rd the staff at the gym crèche made it very clear they were expecting the baby to be there as soon as he was old enough. The crèche took from 6 weeks and he did an hour in the crèche as soon as he turned 6 weeks old. He was spoilt and fussed over by all. And I probably had a cup of coffee!

The staff will have enhanced DBS certs and will presumably have childcare training. It’s no different from putting them in a nursery, which at 2 many children do all day. My DC were in nursery 3 days a week 8-6pm at that age.

Your MIL is weird.

I've never belonged to a gym with a crèche, how fabulous, lucky you. Mine mostly cried when I dropped them off at nursery and refused to go to holiday clubs. If they'd gone happily, I wouldn't have had any guilt.

I've never been on the type of holiday that had a kids club but my daughter has always definitely wanted to be where other children are. She's a bit older and cooler now so maybe to a lesser extent but even this summer she was running about the park at the campsite with children she had just met. Some people sound incredibly jealous at the mere prospect of their children developing independent relationships.

It’s an hour! It’s much easier parenting when you are fit!
But it’s fine for DH not to see them all week and not cruel.

Although I do know someone who shoved her kids in kidsclub on holiday. Her youngest was particularly clingy but she didn’t care, she would sob every day when he mum dropped her off for the full day every day of 2 week holiday. Her excuse is ‘it’s my holiday too, having children isn’t a holiday’, she wasn’t very nice.

Nothing like attacking another woman. Hope your halo is shaping up

Many kids are in childcare five days a week, and some of them are neglected when at home with parents.

Do you also find it odd that the children's father is only around two days a week, rather than four? Or is it just not OK for a mother to take time for herself? Oh, but it's OK for her to take care of the kids while her husband goes to the gym during the week?

Double standards.

Yeah but that poster assessed her childcare. So did the OP, but that poster did it better.

I personally agree with your MIl and isn’t something I would do but I also would have kept that to myself as none of my business and if it works for you that’s up to you

I never have used crèche/babysitters but I imagine your mental health is much better for it, it sounds like a nice routine with your DD who is happy with it, so no not cruel.

I wouldn’t however ever use a holiday club (abroad) I think it’s mean to go on holiday and not spend that time with the kids - but then my holidays are a rare special event and my children are an equal part of it. I’d be worried about safety and them feeling left out. I KNOW this isn’t everyone’s views but I’m with MIL I guess with this.

I don’t think “is it cruel?” is the real issue here. The real issue is - why is your usually pleasant MiL being cruel to you? It’s a genuinely horrible thing to accuse a mother of being cruel. Your child is not distressed by the the crèche so it’s hard to see what her justification is. I don’t believe she has said this out of genuine concern for child; she has said it to be unpleasant.

I don’t really know what provoked it, she has known we do this since DD1 was little.
Tbh her whole behaviour with DH being away for over a week has been strange, she’s invited us for dinner twice, and asked to take the children out both weekends (which I’ve said no to as I plan to take them out myself). She’s not usually this overbearing, I wonder if she will be as harsh at dinner tomorrow night