MIL called me cruel for putting DD in the crèche at the gym

[Ganes]

I have 2 DC, I work part time 3 days a week, my eldest is 4 and my youngest turned 2 in August. Since my DC were 3 months (the minimum age) I’ve been putting them in the crèche at my gym for an hour while I go to a class or do a work out. Right now our set up is generally on my two non working days I drop my oldest at school, we drive to the gym, DD goes into the crèche for an hour roughly from 9.15-10.15, we have a little play in the play area then either stay at the gym for swimming or go to a toddler ballet class from 11-11.30. The rest of the day we play together, make lunch together all sorts. She doesn’t always nap now but I do put her down for a nap around 1.30 sometimes she just plays in her room other times she will nap, then she is back up at 2 and we get another hour of play before picking up big sister from school at 3.15 (only a 5 or so minute walk away). I’ve done this with both my DDs, and typically on Saturdays both DH and I go to the gym together and the girls spend an hour in the crèche.
Tonight MIL said this was cruel and I clearly don’t enjoy my children’s company very much. MIL is usually lovely and is very supportive so this took me by surprise and now I’m wondering, is it cruel!
I really enjoy going to the gym, I feel it improves my mental health and I obviously can’t go while I’m at work! DH tends to go 2-3 mornings a week before going to work so he gets his time to go.

AIBU putting my DC in the crèche at our gym?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with this. There's no problem with the crèche, there's no problem with the frequency, there's no problem with the length of time, there's no problem with the choices you're making.

Your mil is being super silly - it’s one hour in a safe environment where you are there.

your physical and mental well being is really important
your kids would have been fine, if not enjoyed it

i did the same, though not every week - wish I had!

Yes this is it exactly. I don’t know if it’s just my children but my DD will often cite the best part of the holiday was making new friends, she is so extroverted and I think if there was an absence of some time away from us where she feel independent, gets to play with children her age and do very specific child centred activities she would be quite ratty.
It’s not all day or every day of the holiday, some holidays have more time in crèche/kids club than others, such as skiing involves a lot of it, while 2 weeks in a villa in France probably doesn’t have any (but we will hire a babysitter a few times so DH and I can go out for a meal once the girls are in bed), all inclusive more mixed etc.
Not every holiday is the same and some are more about the experience (say skiing) than family time (France) we try to balance it with our holidays through the year.

I think it's great that you have found a safe and secure childcare setting for your DD. You would know if she was unhappy. You are spending most of the day with her and she is seeing that exercise is an important part of a healthy lifestyle. MiL deserved the classic response "Did you mean to be so rude?"

Personally I wouldn’t do it but there’s nothing wrong with doing so! It’s your choice at the end of the day. Tell her to mind her own beeswax. Nicely!

I think your MIL should think hard about what she said to you. She was arguably cruel...to you!

Have you said: gosh, DH is much more cruel then as he voluntarily leaves the kids for hours before work several times a week?

And then laugh. A lot.

@Gratedcamembert

why wouldn’t you do it? Just out of interest

OP. I did exactly the same thing at roughly the same age for DD and then the same when DS came along.

The staff in the council creche were super. Older women, tons of experience. My children loved it. It was only an hour. Different toys, cbeebies etc. Everyone was happy and I kept my sanity!

Mine was 17yrs ago and I never regretted it.

It's one hour, not a ten-hour day in a creche.

MIL is fussing about nothing.

I agree it’s the choice of the word cruel that’s the issue, it sounds like she was a bit shocked and spoke without thinking. I wonder if she’s coming from a place of looking back and knowing that while it’s hard when kids are small, later many people look back and wish they’d valued the time more. In that sense it’s probably more about her than you.

I personally wouldn’t have done it and it’s not a safety thing as many have focused on in the thread, it’s an attachment theory thing for me in that I believe 0-3 children feel most secure with safe and predictable adults. I don’t think it’s martyrdom but just the basis for how I view my role.

BUT, you sound like you are enjoying the small children years pretty well with your routine and not all of us can say that we managed that, which also has abundant benefits for children. Plus completely agree that keeping a strong and healthy body is a very important thing to offer our children so I think it is cruel to call you cruel.

well that's your view.

IMO it is perfectly fine and the children at our gym creche are well looked after and have a lot of fun. The older ones see that their parents are taking care of their fitness and it sets a good example.

Being fit, doing something for yourself (not necessarily the same thing) is good for your mental health, that applies to mothers fathers and everyone else.

I think it’s great @Ganes. But the MIL comments need nipping in the bud. I would say something to her but with DH present - but only because it would seem like telling tales if you left it to DH. Then
you can present a united front if she starts saying she thinks it’s wrong.

@PercyPigInAWig

what could possibly outweigh a mothers physical and mental health??!
if she doesn’t have a healthy body and mind she’s not gonna be use to baby is she??

I’m a teacher and spent all summer last summer with my children. Every day, every hour, every minute. The gym crèche kept me sane 😂

On another note though some of these comments are the cruel ones, not the OP.

Yanbu.
Great that you have a gym with a crèche too.

MIL sounds deranged. I am in my sixties and it sounds normal to me. I wouldn’t do it as I am gymphobic 🤣

Tell her less. “We do what works for us “

I'd use any creche going, gym, hotels etc, bring it on!

I so wish my gym had had a crèche!

What a horrible thing to say. Cruel would be starting or beating your 2 year old. It’s a very odd strong phrase.
Personally I wouldn’t be wanting to spend time to her or have female children exposed to those type of views. I’d tell your DH what she said and how you felt.
It works for you and dc. My dc is older now but I’ve seen a real shift to mums being made to feel unless they are with child 24/7 they aren’t good mummies. I volunteer with a kids group and see kids denied opportunities because mummy will miss them too much. It’s not healthy.

"So you're offering to look after them while we go to the gym? Why, thank you. That would be great."

What a way to endear yourself to your daughter in law. MIL is an utter plonker.

What an absolutely ridiculous moment, but at least it’s so ridiculous o one would take your opinion seriously.

You’re doing fine OP, keep going and tell MIL to MHOB!

MIL needs to step up and help out like all cultures did up until very very recently and many if not most still do. . The nuclear family where you look after your own child in isolation 24/7 is very unnatural

As soon as they notice things they will enjoy the change of scenery and being in a different place. They probably notice at a younger age than we think.
I used a creche when I played badminton.
Child enjoyed it. Never a problem getting her ready to go there.

This.