MIL called me cruel for putting DD in the crèche at the gym

[Ganes]

I have 2 DC, I work part time 3 days a week, my eldest is 4 and my youngest turned 2 in August. Since my DC were 3 months (the minimum age) I’ve been putting them in the crèche at my gym for an hour while I go to a class or do a work out. Right now our set up is generally on my two non working days I drop my oldest at school, we drive to the gym, DD goes into the crèche for an hour roughly from 9.15-10.15, we have a little play in the play area then either stay at the gym for swimming or go to a toddler ballet class from 11-11.30. The rest of the day we play together, make lunch together all sorts. She doesn’t always nap now but I do put her down for a nap around 1.30 sometimes she just plays in her room other times she will nap, then she is back up at 2 and we get another hour of play before picking up big sister from school at 3.15 (only a 5 or so minute walk away). I’ve done this with both my DDs, and typically on Saturdays both DH and I go to the gym together and the girls spend an hour in the crèche.
Tonight MIL said this was cruel and I clearly don’t enjoy my children’s company very much. MIL is usually lovely and is very supportive so this took me by surprise and now I’m wondering, is it cruel!
I really enjoy going to the gym, I feel it improves my mental health and I obviously can’t go while I’m at work! DH tends to go 2-3 mornings a week before going to work so he gets his time to go.

AIBU putting my DC in the crèche at our gym?

Sounds like a really nice morning for you and kiddo, you are getting an hour to do a class and instilling fun, healthy habits in your children.

It’s absolutely fine to do that. “It takes a village to raise a child” only we don’t all have one!

I used to do exactly the same with both of mine but for 2 hours at a time. We had a great routine going, they loved it, I got to go to the gym and occasionally my husband would join and I would skip the gym and we would have breakfast childfree.

Mine are too old now so we have to juggle between us as they aren't old enough to be left but I miss those days!

I work at the same place although not in the crèche so I can confirm that yes, some kind of qualifications are necessary (I don't know what but I know I wouldn't be able to work in there without doing some "level") and all babies and children are well looked after.

Life is never risk free.

OP your MIL was a real arse to say that to you! It’s not cruel and it’s what works for you. I do the same for similar reasons, there’s certain classes I like to do (I’m not someone who can just go and train on my own) but my kids loved being in the crèche for an hour, we’d go and get smoothies after and over to the park across the road after. The gym crèche I use isn’t ever busy either and there’s been times my two are the only ones and loved the attention!!

I kind of agree with your MIL but as a MIL I wouldn't dream of saying it.

Mainly because the DC are not there long enough to get to know and trust the staff.

I would offer to look after the children at that time though but not three times a week.

Leaving a small child who can speak is different to leaving a baby who can't, for me it's their age when you leave them that's important.

Non verbal with unfamiliar staff? No way.

That is ridiculous.

Gym chain creches have to adhere to safety rules just like any other childcare provider.

I never understood why people go on family holidays then put children in kids clubs etc.

Unless MIL is offering to watch them instead it’s nothing to do with her really.

What do you mean? It’s one hour, DD1 goes to ballet, we all pile in the car spend an hour at the gym, then have a family lunch together. Generally DH and I will do separate things on Saturday afternoons, I might go and get my hair done, he might go and play golf, I might meet a friend for a game of tennis, he might go to the pub with his friends for a few hours etc.
Then all day Sunday from the minute we wake up until the children go to sleep it’s family day, we don’t have any kids activities, or personal activities etc.
I think one whole day and a few hours on Saturday plus dinner and bath and story most nights is quite a lot of family time?

I did similar once a week with DC2. I was happy as I was in the same building, it was a setting we spent time as a family, DC got accustomed to spending short periods away from me, I got a (short) break to do something just for me that benefitted my physical and mental health. I got to know some of the creche staff and used a couple for other occasional babysitting.
You spend plenty of time engaged with your children. Has MIL offered to look after them for the couple of hours to give you a break and let you exercise? If so, sure take her up on it and save the creche fees. If not then ignore and carry on as you are.

Does she tell her son he must not like his children if he’s happy to leave them for a whole week? Or that he’s a bad father because he leaves them both in the gym crèche too? I bet she doesn’t. Absolute sexist nonsense.

What did you say to her when she said this? Your dh needs to speak to her about this as well.

My children aren’t 3 months old anymore are they? They are 2 and 4. Of course as babies it was different but they were usually napping when we dropped them in so none the wiser that we were gone.

She's the one who sounds cruel tbh.

Just ignore your MIL. Some people can be very critical of others who do things that they wouldn't do and others live and let live.

I remember my XMIL saying to me "well of course in my day, we didn't work, we stayed home and looked after our DC". My reply was "well nobody is going to pay our mortgage for us are they?" knowing that she was paying her DD's mortgage and giving the other son money as well. XH had money in the past from her but none while we were married. Not that I wanted it or expected it.

I'd be interested to know if she thinks her son is 'cruel' for leaving his dc for a week at a time or if that's ok because he has a penis it's for work?

She's wrong. If it works for you there's nothing cruel about it. It's not like you're locking the child in the car for an hour fgs.

I think you have a great balance and given your children seem confident and outgoing and happy with their activities, you’re paving the way for them to be good at joining in and giving things a go in future too. I would have loved to have left my child at clubs or crèches like this but he would never settle so you’ve either done something right or you’re lucky! Either way, you’re not cruel and your MIL is unfair.

Thank you everyone.
I totally understand that it’s definitely not a choice everyone would make, especially at 3 months.
MIL had asked what we did in the day so I told her we went to the gym, DD had an hour in the crèche then we had a play, went to ballet etc. and she somewhat suddenly said “Gosh isn’t it cruel, leaving her for an hour on your special days, don’t you enjoy spending time with her?” I said of course I enjoy spending time with my children, then DD1 wanted to sing to everyone which ended the conversation!
I don’t think it was an offer to babysit, MIL babysits occasionally anyway and it’s not that odd for us to leave DD2 there if we have gone over for dinner and she’s fallen asleep before we’ve left and to just pick her up in the morning, MIL would be welcome to babysit while I went to the gym if she really wanted but it would have to maintain convenient and not me driving all the way to hers and then back to the gym or it wouldn’t be worth it.

A lot of people on here OP see exercise as some optional and frivolous thing and going to the gym as a self indulgent and vain waste of time, something only young and single people should do. also it’s usually women who claim to eat like a horse and never gain weight so they have no idea about what it’s like to need to hit the gym to support weight management.

In reality we NEED to exercise regularly for our physical and mental health. crèches at gyms exist to facilitate this, so why on earth would you not use it??
@Ganes

I am always a little bewildered by the women who never seem to need to work out, I could probably manage my diet and stay “slim” without working out (just walking lots etc.) but to be able to eat/drink what I want which is much healthier and feel good in my body (strong/toned etc.) I definitely need 3-4 workouts a week, plus walking around lots at work, going for a family walk or run around at the park etc.
All glory to those that manage it on less but I haven’t been blessed in such a way.

It sounds like you have a great family routine on weekdays and weekends that works for all of you, which is not easy to do, so well done! MIL probably has a mental image of the creche being a horrible environment full of strangers where the kids are crying for you for an hour, so maybe next time you see her you could mention that her comment has been on your mind, explain what it's like for them and also how much good it does you, and explain that your routines work for all of you. And leave it at that.

I tried a gym creche a couple of times but had a clingy baby who really didn't like it, but if it works for your kids I think it's a great arrangement.

@ganesI think it was the unfortunate choice of the word cruel. I must admit I do find it a bit odd that your dd is in childcare 3 days a week and then on your days off with her you put her back in childcare but each to their own. I exercised all through my children’s young years but fitted it around dh etc

Because it gives the children a chance to socialise with other children and enjoy activities specifically tailored to their age group. No matter how hard you try as a parent, you can’t magically produce a load of other kids to play with and a skill/qualification in a really exciting activity they’ve never done before.

@Catlady02

you are so right - family holidays isn’t a family holiday unless all members of the family are glued to one another’s sides 24/7 , 7 days a week.
what if the parents want to do something that the kids don’t want to do? Ah well fuck the parents! They only paid for the whole thing, they can back to work having had no enjoyment and no rest. Who cares?! It’s all about the kids

@Fraudornot

its an HOUR a day! You do know how many other hours there are in a day right? OP is spending plenty of time with her child on her days off

I’m just not sure how well I’d fit it around DHs hours. I tend to enjoy pilates a lot so I have to go to a class and they are often only available in the morning (not a chance will this happen, I won’t be doing any sort of work out at 6am, I love being healthy but I love being happy more and 6am wake ups do not make me happy!), during the school day or early evening pre 8pm at least at my gym, less so for evening classes on the weekend too, they are mainly during the day.
We try to prioritise our evenings as time together both as a family and a couple, so we make dinner together, eat together, and split bath time and cleaning up between us then read a story all together. I’d hate to miss that for the gym, especially on days where I’ve been at work and missed out on anytime with the girls. DH also tends to have to work late one night a week and we are Jewish so have Shabbat dinner at either my parents or his every Friday.