MIL called me cruel for putting DD in the crèche at the gym

[Ganes]

I have 2 DC, I work part time 3 days a week, my eldest is 4 and my youngest turned 2 in August. Since my DC were 3 months (the minimum age) I’ve been putting them in the crèche at my gym for an hour while I go to a class or do a work out. Right now our set up is generally on my two non working days I drop my oldest at school, we drive to the gym, DD goes into the crèche for an hour roughly from 9.15-10.15, we have a little play in the play area then either stay at the gym for swimming or go to a toddler ballet class from 11-11.30. The rest of the day we play together, make lunch together all sorts. She doesn’t always nap now but I do put her down for a nap around 1.30 sometimes she just plays in her room other times she will nap, then she is back up at 2 and we get another hour of play before picking up big sister from school at 3.15 (only a 5 or so minute walk away). I’ve done this with both my DDs, and typically on Saturdays both DH and I go to the gym together and the girls spend an hour in the crèche.
Tonight MIL said this was cruel and I clearly don’t enjoy my children’s company very much. MIL is usually lovely and is very supportive so this took me by surprise and now I’m wondering, is it cruel!
I really enjoy going to the gym, I feel it improves my mental health and I obviously can’t go while I’m at work! DH tends to go 2-3 mornings a week before going to work so he gets his time to go.

AIBU putting my DC in the crèche at our gym?

She’s from a different generation. If it fits with your life and gross you mentally and physically happy a tiny bit of sub optimal (and that’s debatable) for a child is on balance no bad thing and may well mean the child gets better you. If her angel son wants to look after the child so you can go that’s another thing.

Crèche staff in the UK are typically required to have a level 2 or 3 qualification. The younger staff will probably be doing apprenticeships, it’s very common.

At a gym? Have you ever checked?

A crèche is a crèche no matter where it is. Any childcare setting that cares for children under 8 must be registered with ofsted and be inspected by them.

Well, I’m a grandmother, so most likely the same age as your MIL and I left my own children in the crèche at the gym when they were small. They loved it, I enjoyed the break, the exercise did me good physically and mentally and the main point - I was in the same building!!
Parents were called to the crèche if their baby/ child was unsettled.

Carry on as you are OP and whether or not your MIL agrees, she shoukd keep her opinions to herself.

I don’t think you think it is cruel - you seem quite confident about your choices in your responses to PPs. From the responses, some of us would do this and some of us wouldn’t (I wouldn’t, which isn’t “weird” or “19th century” as some PPs suggest) - but that doesn’t matter really. Ideally we shouldn’t have to justify our parenting choices, nor should we be judging each other’s.

Clearly you’re not going to stop using the crèche and nor should you, since you’re comfortable with this and going to the gym makes you happy. I think what you are really trying to say is that you were hurt by MIL’s comment and don’t know what to do about it.

I agree that her comment was hurtful. But you say she is usually lovely and supportive, so I’m wondering about the context in which this was said and why she said it? Did it come up in conversation naturally, ie you mentioned the gym rather than her bringing it up to intentionally attack you? Does she ever have DC for the day or overnight for you? I’m wondering if maybe she feels hurt that you’ve put DC in a crèche rather than ask her, especially if she doesn’t have the children for you sometimes? (I’m not suggesting she’s justified in feeling this way of course).

It is probably tempting to make some of the retorts suggested in PPs, but if you want to remain on good terms with her maybe it is worth just having a chat with her first. “MIL, I respect you and your opinions mean a lot to me, so I was really hurt by your comments about the crèche. I’m sure you know I love spending time with DC. I’m wondering why you said it?”

Hopefully that’ll clear the air. Either it was a throwaway comment and she’ll apologise, it might be that she wants to spend more time with DC, or she’ll double down and at that point you talk to DH about it.

There is a world of difference between using the gym creche for an hour or 2 and putting a baby in full time nursery! Personally I wouldn't put a young baby in nursery, no disrespect to those who do, but yes to the gym creche and they can be a lifeline for your physical and mental health!

Okaaay. Roksana Lecka. Was she qualified? Was her place of work visited by OFsted?

Right! You may or may not agree either way OP’s risk assessment - but to say it’s cruel and because she doesn’t like the kids is very rude and unpleasant. DH needs to know about this.

So has your MIL told her son that she thinks he’s cruel? Because he does the same thing at the weekends.

If not then it’s simply misogyny talking 🤷‍♀️

But I would tell your DH what she’s said and I would also back off from your MIL a bit. If she’s saying that to your face, I dread to think what she’s saying behind your back.

It will have been.

How many millions of children go to nursery/childcare settings each day? You cannot use the absolute extremes of what happens as a reason why OP shouldn’t use a childcare facility.

OP does your MIL want to have the children/babysit? I think this might be the reason behind the comment.
Ask her to come to the gym and look after the children instead of putting them in the crèche and see how she reacts.

The 3 month old cries when its time to leave? Sorry I dont believe that. If they are crying its because you have come back and they are emotional over that.

I used the creche at David lloyd when mine were younger. It was just for an hour and it was fine - a well organised set up with qualified staff. It was no more dangerous than a nursery or a child minder. Taking time to exercise or even just to drink coffee in peace is important. I worry that expectations of mums are unrealistic- you can't pour from an empty cup.

Agree, but it's a weird world where 3 month old children are left with strangers and everyone pretends it's alright! Bowing out as I'm the odd one out.

That sounds like a brilliant structure for your day. Let your MIL's nasty criticisms be water off a duck's back. If you didn't have this particular thing she would be criticising something else because what's important to her is making you feel inadequate, so there's no point changing anything as nothing will actually satisfy her. You are not doing anything wrong. Your babies need a happy and healthy mum just as much as all their other needs. If you don't look atter yourself you're less capable of looking after them. Don't change a thing.

when my Dd was 2, I did a course and left her at the crèche at the college. Dd was fine there.
I’d have left her at a gym crèche no problem except I don't go to a gym!

I used to do this with both my DC when they were little, probably from 6 months. I put them in the gym creche twice a week to go to a class, or for a run. I was a SAHM at the time, and DH was self employed and out of the house often 12 hours a day.

Sounds fabulous, I would have loved this.

You and DH spend Saturday so family time at the gym while your kids are in the creche? Yeah not good OP…

I'm surprised by some of these replies. I think what your MIL said was shocking. Imagine telling a mum she's cruel. How did you respond? I'd be wondering about her mental state personally if she's usually lovely.

Yanbu. Please come back and let us know how the convo goes when your DH / you bring it up. My MIL recently told me she thinks all children should be with their mothers (specifically mothers!) “especially little boys” until they go to school. She’s going to get the shock of her life when ours goes to childcare at 11 months so I can go back to work.

For an hour…

Why?

it’s great that a mum is able to get out, do something that benefits her mental health, as well as her physical health.

OP I am offended on your behalf. Your MIL needs to wind her neck in! Your parenting decisions are yours to make, and they are fully valid. That one hour where your child is cared for in an appropriate setting allows you some much needed time to yourself, and in all honesty you’re probably a more patient, energetic and engaged mum as a result of having an hour to exercise. Its wonderful that you have a routine that works for you and your family! Do not let her opinion get you down. Well done to you for using the resources at hand!