IVF dilemma. Thinking of going through IVF forThe purpose of gender selection.

[VS1987]

We have 2 boys (5 and 7) with growth issues, candidates for growth hormone therapy. It’s been the source of constant stress and anxiety
them being under 5 percentile constantly. Otherwise completely healthy and happy children.
Had 2 miscarriages (also boys) before them, but all the 4 pregnancies happened on the 1st try.
However, I always wanted a bigger family and I still have a void of being a girl mom and have a daughter.
I’m sure we could get pregnant again, but I can’t fathom to go again through this growth problems and stress around it, having a boy. In my head hight with girls it’s not as much of an issue, I am petite myself and my husband is average height. He only agrees to have another child through IVF juts To make sure it’s a girl this time. I agree the whole point of having another child is having a daughter.
I guess I’m trying to find justification for it, but having fears of IVF and moral dilemma. After hearing the both sides: One is that it’s unethical to select the gender and IVF is against nature bla bla bla. And even that IVF children somehow more at risk and not as good as “natural” which is ridiculous but makes me anxious. And on the other side are the parents who can’t conceive and any child would be a blessing for them - I feel bad asking on their forums With all that does anyone has any thought if there are other aspects of it? How bad is IVF for the health of both a mother and a child? I’ve been ruminating around it for weeks before writing here.
Please no insults. But every opinion or argument is valid. Thanks

I would say no as both you and your husband sound quite dim to be honest. I'd be more worried about passing that on than your children being short.

I really can't understand what the concern is about their heights? If you and your husband aren't tall they are very unlikely to me, and someone has to be on the 5th centile! as long as they are growing along that curve and not dropping centiles why did they need all those tests doing, if they were healthy too?

I think you should consider counselling to deal with your gender disappointment and your perceived issues with your son's heights.

@VS1987 nothing wrong with longing for a DD but who knows if the gene pool you have will be kinder to her than it has been to your DSs.

Imo it's not selfish to want a DD or to use IVF to have a DD. But like I said, you don't know what the future for any DD might hold.

Its rightly illegal in this country. Nothing says that a daughter will fulfil your expectations of being a girl mum, they're all different. I have fallen in love with farm vehicles and trains alongside my toddler son, it's natural to like ehat they like as they show their world through their eyes.

I had IVF due to my husbands low sperms count (his and I baby biologically just needed ivf to get the soerm tonthe egg) and as someone who has been through it, there is a toll on the other side. You make embryos (if you're lucky) and end up not using them all, and yes people say "they're only cells" but when you've seen your own beloved child grow from those little 5 day blastocysts it's hard not to have an emotional pull on the others that won't be used. You destroy them, donate them to the clinic for training staff on thawing etc, or donate them to another couple. It's an element of ivf I seriously underestimated. Its frivolous to go down that road for the sake of gender choice.

I think you have to go to Cyprus for a gender clinic

In the US if the child’s weight is under 2% ( and height as a result it. It’s considered “failure to thrive”. And all the testing and specialist were about this issue. They just don’t have appetite and don’t eat enough and there is no known reason for that. All that testing didn’t find anything. We were just advised to feed them more calories by multiple pediatric nutritionist.

So is their weight centile in line with their height, or lower? and are they below 2nd centile, or 5th centile as you said before?

What is your height, what centile are you? and do you know if you were very small as a child and then caught up a bit?

Great idea OP…. Have a perceived perfect child to make up for the two supposedly less perfect ones. You are very wrong to even consider this, your poor boys :-(

I can’t fathom to go again through this growth problems and stress around it, having a boy. In my head hight with girls it’s not as much of an issue, I am petite myself and my husband is average height. He only agrees to have another child through IVF juts To make sure it’s a girl this time. I agree the whole point of having another child is having a daughter.

This sounds absolutely unhinged. You need therapy and to work through your feelings, not another child.

I don’t agree with OP but I think people are being a bit disingenuous if they don’t feel short men get a harder time. It’s not fair or right but height is way more of a thing for men and lots of women won’t even consider dating a short man, I’ve read several posts about it on here!

So much ignorance in one post…

Okay but life is a roll your dice take your chances scenario! OP and her husband are both a short arse, highly likely that their kids will be so too!!

Bonkers.

They do get a hard time for being short.

But so do less intelligent children, and less pretty children, and children with quirks, and uncoordinated children who always let the football team down by missing the goal.

We don't all avoid having children in case they are ugly or not a genius. Short is no different. Tall is a "nice to have" for boys, that's all. Not a pre-requisite for the right to exist.

Short arse! lol what a compliment.

‘I have two boys who are scoring below average on their IQ, and I worry about them as society is hard on less intelligent men. I want to do IVF to make sure that our next child is a girl and if she has a lower IQ too, well that’s okay as it’s much less of an issue with girls to have lower IQ’

🙄🙄🙄

Oh sorry, it’s only height we’re talking about - how silly of me

Yeah I agree it seems inevitable they would’ve been on the shorter side anyway (not to disregard any potential extra growth issue). Genetics is a bit of a lottery but 2 short parents having short children seems likely.

It was more people saying the world doesn’t have an issue with short men in general when OP is just being realistic. It’s not fair of course and OP should be trying to combat those attitudes by building her sons up but I don’t think she’s unreasonable to acknowledge it. (Though don’t think it’s a good reason to go for ivf personally).

It amazes me how in your righteous rage you read between the line my attempt to replace my children, by wanting another child. It’s not about a perfect child. It’s about having a child that might be different in upbringing experience. My boys are not poo they are very loved, wanted and happy.

It’s about having a child that might be different in upbringing experience

Any child will be different in upbringing experience. Because they will be a different child. Surely your two boys are not identical in every way just because they are both small??

Omg! You are hilarious!

Yes I agree kids pull the short straw (no pun intended) for all sorts of reasons. I think it’s ok to acknowledge that as it’s just life - not everyone is going win the genetic lottery. Rather than pretending short men don’t get a tough ride sometimes over their height. (Which is crap and unfair).

my whole family is short-my parents were me and siblings are my newphew is

girls do get grief aswell i was called all sortd short arse et(?) dwarf elf anything you can think of

you cant gurarantee anything and kids will pick on anything i also wear glasses which didnt help either

eating more doesn make them grow dont know what american quack told u that

Her sons don’t have health issues they are small
my eldest boy is 25, he is small, always was
my other 2 sons are tall

obviously I love them more because they are proper men, oh wait, I don’t because they are all exceptional

he eats really well btw, incredibly sporty and strong. He’s just small

I’m 5.3 my DH is 5.11 and kids are along their curves on average almost 2% at some point it was 0.5% for the younger one that’s when the feeding tube was in picture. Their weight is directly effecting their height. When they are on periactin - they eat more and spike to up to 7! But when they stop it they stop eating/growing and go back down to failure to thrive over time. And this whole time they are just cheerful, active and do really well academically.
They are NOT picky eaters, I would say, rather adventurous. But the amounts of food they consume is less than 700 calories a day. Even finishing an ice cream is a negotiation. Protein shakes are not favor either. I don’t believe in forcing food. Just have to be creative every day to get them fed.

Only if you don’t see where looking to optimise your future child eventually takes you

That’s why it feels morally wrong, and it is