IVF dilemma. Thinking of going through IVF forThe purpose of gender selection.

[VS1987]

We have 2 boys (5 and 7) with growth issues, candidates for growth hormone therapy. It’s been the source of constant stress and anxiety
them being under 5 percentile constantly. Otherwise completely healthy and happy children.
Had 2 miscarriages (also boys) before them, but all the 4 pregnancies happened on the 1st try.
However, I always wanted a bigger family and I still have a void of being a girl mom and have a daughter.
I’m sure we could get pregnant again, but I can’t fathom to go again through this growth problems and stress around it, having a boy. In my head hight with girls it’s not as much of an issue, I am petite myself and my husband is average height. He only agrees to have another child through IVF juts To make sure it’s a girl this time. I agree the whole point of having another child is having a daughter.
I guess I’m trying to find justification for it, but having fears of IVF and moral dilemma. After hearing the both sides: One is that it’s unethical to select the gender and IVF is against nature bla bla bla. And even that IVF children somehow more at risk and not as good as “natural” which is ridiculous but makes me anxious. And on the other side are the parents who can’t conceive and any child would be a blessing for them - I feel bad asking on their forums With all that does anyone has any thought if there are other aspects of it? How bad is IVF for the health of both a mother and a child? I’ve been ruminating around it for weeks before writing here.
Please no insults. But every opinion or argument is valid. Thanks

Oh yeah, to be fair that is - not so much offensive to me - but woefully under-educated (particularly for someone who has been allegedly looking into this for weeks). Don't know if you're telling me to be grateful for two sons or the OP. I have one son and two daughters (and couldn't care less how tall any of them are, though do get slightly depressed as we seem to get ever closer to the scenario where they are all taller than me before they leave primary school), so assume not me.

Sex selection is illegal here, but not everywhere, and I get the impression the OP may be outside the UK. I don't think it is a good idea, but if it's legal where she is then I can't blame her for going after what she wants.

I really hope it goes well for you. If it's any help, IVF took a massive, massive toll on me (physically, mentally, emotionally) but I have never once regretted it. Good luck.

That is due to infertility making you more likely to be depressed than the actual IVF.

Is that right? I ended up on them because the IVF fucked with my already unhelpful hormones but had not assumed that that held true for anyone else particularly.

I think it’s really important to be honest about IVF experince but also to understand that it’s your experince and thus unique. For many women IVF is brutal and expensive but for many others it was a one time easy process that resulted in children (I have multiple friends where this was the case).

The cancer risk you mentioned is complicated but most doctors agree that the studies do not show an increased risk in women who have IVF. What complicates the studies is that women who have infertility and thus have health issues associated with infertility are at a slight increase for developing ovarian cancer. But the current thought is that IVF itself isn’t the cause—this could change as studies progress but the current data doesn’t show a confirmed increase in cancer due to IVF.

That is bullying and should be addressed.

Accessing healthcare isn't like going to the supermarket - you don't just go out and buy the colour/size/type you want! Maybe a better idea would be to concentrate on the children you already have?

Embryo adoption exists, yet doesn’t get talked about much.

Oh also, wanted to say - the genetic element of height is extremely complex (in that a large number of genes contribute a small amount to determining your potential height) and then environmental and epigenetic factors will impact how close you may get to that genetic potential height.

So you cannot say with any certainty that a short mother and tall father (or vice versa) will always result in a shorter child. The variables are too complex and poorly understood.

@VS1987 i personally think that this idea of having a girl because you’re close to your mum and all of this is something that people idealise in their head. And I have 2 boys and 1 girl (girl is the middle child). I am actually closer with my eldest boy than I am with my girl. Not out of choice - just because of how she is - her dad is her go to when she needs emotional support. Don’t get me wrong we do things together and as a family but I don’t feel any more connection with one or the other. Children are all different and individual and it’s very important to not have ideals of what relationships should look like with boys vs girls. Take your children as they are. So if you’re thinking IVF because of a health issue I would say yes go for it if it’s to select gender I wouldn’t personally.

Edited: i think I misunderstood the whole post 🤦🏽‍♀️. You want to do IVF because your boys are small and you don’t want another small boy? I don’t understand… do you only want a third child if they are a girl or if they are healthy?

At that point I would just accept it and love him as much as I love my children. Also this is my only chance of having a third child - otherwise my husband doesn’t see a reason to have a third one. But would agree if it’s not a boy since we are almost sure he’s going to have same issues. They are perfectly healthy btw, just short. It is just nerve racking to constantly suspect something and deal with growth issues, because they just not interested in food. I know it might be sexist etc. but yes with girls the pressure is not as bad.

This does not mean it’s ok for the OP to go through with her plan.

I’m sure there are studies about there but I think it’s individually based. IVF hormones made me happier during the day and slightly out of it in the evening. My clinic said that many people remain at their baseline, some will be happier, some depressed etc.

There are a lot of factors which contribute though and why you’re having IVF, how many times you’ve had it, and what proceeded IVF all play a role.

In my head hight with girls it’s not as much of an issue, I am petite myself

So your not remotely worried about your kids because they may have diagnosed health issues and failure to thrive but rather just because you think men should be big and tall, so you want to do IVF just because your just sexist?

Either you DS have nothing medically wrong and are just short which you don't think is good enough (and considering putting them on hormones) or they do have medical complications that you think is fine for girls to have because its 'cuter' if girls are 'petite'.

Most parents want the best for their kids which is health not forcing ridiculous beauty standards on to children.

Gender selection is illegal most places outside of medical issues like 'X linked conditions'. If you struggle to carry male pregnancies and your DS do have medical issues maybe look into genetic testing but not specifically 'to pick gender' because 'being a petite girl is socially fine' but to decrease MC risk and increase fetal/child health.

You really should not have more children. Why is a girl being insecure about her height and weight less valid than a boy worrying? Your boys deserve better. Hopefully you are in the UK and can’t do this anyway

I'm on anti-depressants to treat PMDD, which is caused by an "intolerance" of progesterone, which was fairly horrific in early pregnancy and got progressively worse. Don't think the reasons for the IVF had anything to do with that.

A huge problem is that IVF is so poorly researched that we don't know. A PP pointed out that there is a correlation between IVF and ovarian cancer but no evidence of causation yet. Why not? The correlation has been known for years.

It's illegal here in the UK.
As others have said, if you're that bothered by gender then frankly you're not mentally for another pregnancy.

You can't choose gender. It is a social construct and an identity.
Theoretically you can choose sex but as others have said, not in the UK.
Your poor sons 😢

Yes you are more likely to be depressed due to infertility. Even if you get a baby after IVF you are more likely to get post natal depression. Makes sense to be fair.

Who has said they are candidates for growth hormone therapy? They don't just dish it out cos you want taller kids

Apologies - embryo/egg felt interchangeable, but you're right, they were embryos.

The gene she carried would affect all male embryos as I understand it, so it was safer for them to exclude that risk.

We don’t know what challenges any child will face regardless of their sex. I’ve been through ivf myself to have my second ds due to secondary infertility. I did it because I really wanted my first ds to have a sibling. I sometimes think all those drugs I injected into myself for weeks on end can’t have been good for me. It’s not something I would do lightly or to “get a girl” if I didn’t have fertility issues. I don’t agree with ivf for sex selection it doesn’t sit right with me at all..

My son was 2nd percentile from birth until 16. He’s now 5’11. So not super tall but certainly nothing to comment on. My dh is 5’7.

If it's legal, go for it, you've already contributed two boys to the world.

Sex selection is illegal in the UK. And, IMO, unethical anywhere in the world.

While I don't always disapprove of IVF as a way to rule out serious health issues, your belief that it would be ok for a girl to be short is seriously flawed.

1. An unusually small girl could have just as much trouble as an unusually small boy.
2. A girl could still pass the gene onto her own son

If you were talking ruling out your child having some lethal disease and ruling out passing that on, IVF and genetic testing might be a good way forward, but you aren't!