IVF dilemma. Thinking of going through IVF forThe purpose of gender selection.

[VS1987]

We have 2 boys (5 and 7) with growth issues, candidates for growth hormone therapy. It’s been the source of constant stress and anxiety
them being under 5 percentile constantly. Otherwise completely healthy and happy children.
Had 2 miscarriages (also boys) before them, but all the 4 pregnancies happened on the 1st try.
However, I always wanted a bigger family and I still have a void of being a girl mom and have a daughter.
I’m sure we could get pregnant again, but I can’t fathom to go again through this growth problems and stress around it, having a boy. In my head hight with girls it’s not as much of an issue, I am petite myself and my husband is average height. He only agrees to have another child through IVF juts To make sure it’s a girl this time. I agree the whole point of having another child is having a daughter.
I guess I’m trying to find justification for it, but having fears of IVF and moral dilemma. After hearing the both sides: One is that it’s unethical to select the gender and IVF is against nature bla bla bla. And even that IVF children somehow more at risk and not as good as “natural” which is ridiculous but makes me anxious. And on the other side are the parents who can’t conceive and any child would be a blessing for them - I feel bad asking on their forums With all that does anyone has any thought if there are other aspects of it? How bad is IVF for the health of both a mother and a child? I’ve been ruminating around it for weeks before writing here.
Please no insults. But every opinion or argument is valid. Thanks

I am also a short arse, as are my beautiful perfect healthy boys. My wonderful, strong, healthy dad was a short arse. I come from generations of short arses.

I find your idea reprehensible. Think about how many people in this world long to be able to raise healthy children - of any height. You don't realise how lucky your are - moaning about your kids height. Have a word with yourself

Tall big boned women also get a tough time, should we try and breed them out too??

What is wrong with people

For goodness sake! She wants a daughter.
Whats wrong with people !

There is nothing wrong with wanting a bloody daughter.
Reality check - daughter might like blue and drive a truck !
Might bloody not . That doesn’t mean daughter is any less what she wants !!!

She's said she wants a girl because she feels it's more socially acceptable to be short as a girl. OP is batshit, her poor sons.

Being a small man is not a disability, what a disgusting thing to say

my son is a small man, he is incredibly attractive and always had his pick of girls

oh and that is probably helped by his brilliant intellect and personality.

should ugly girls be judged the same? Fat? Ginger?

Would love OP to go through IVF and have a girl who is a little person. Diagnosed, fully little not just a tad on the shorter side I mean.

Genuinely though, I think OP is disgustingly immoral.

Ok. Looks like I’ve explained the whole thing not as intended. Them being short is gonna be hard on them- maybe (yes), my childhood friend had been friendzoned his whole life, because of his size, by all the girls he liked until he found someone smaller than him. And they have even smaller, happy children now.
I’m not so worried that their smarts and charisma going to compensate for it. I would support them and love them regardless.
What I’m really struggling with is Constantly having to deal with growth issues and feeding issues throughout their childhood. Even knowing that they are fine and healthy doesn’t remove the pressure to make them eat. Every day having to get out of my way to make sure they have enough calories and make sure they keep growing. And don’t just roll back into “failure to thrive”. What If I can take chances and have a child of different gender that might not have this issue? Geneticist said it might be a genetic thing - some sort of indifference to food like when taking ozempic. But no one would research it unless it’s debilitating or life threatening. Yes I wouldn’t deny that I’d love to have a girl. But it’s not the main issue. Taking a risk of having another boy with same issues doesn’t seem like we are going to have any different experience.

so its it genetic why risk it

You are so moral with your wishes! Wishing someone to have children with health issues is beyond me, even with my faulty(according to you) morals.

If you read the main message, I have politely asked no insults please.

have a good night.

I can see that borderline failure to thrive, feeding tubes, and trying to persuade your child to eat more is very stressful.

But a girl could have exactly the same issues, and it would be just as stressful. You wouldn’t just go “oh well, never mind if she’s 0.5 centile as she’s a girl.” You would still be worried and have all the same medical appointments etc.

I’m 5.3 my DH is 5.11

Goodness, I was expecting you to be around 5 foot and your DH to be about 5'6" or something. 5'11" is above average, isn't it and 5'3" just below average (looking at UK and US).

How old are your children OP? Is it possible the lack of interest in eating is a neurodiversity?

I think it adds fuel to some of the criticisms about ivf creating ‘designer babies’ blah blah blah. When in fact it’s mostly just people who desperately want a family with a healthy baby. They couldn’t care less if it was a boy or a girl, tall or short. Some people honestly don’t know how lucky they are.

I was average height my whole childhood, but then stopped at 5ft 🤷‍♀️ I know boys who were very small but grew up to over 6ft.

My DF is short but an amazing, kind and incredibly successful business man

If you are going between US and UK, which country is leading the care of your kids? It sounds like the issues are being hugely over medicalised.

One of my boys is 1st centile. Autistic and doesn't eat a huge amount. I keep a rough track of weight over time. But the only medical tests have been vitamin levels and celiac to just make sure all was ok in those areas. He is growing fine and has plenty of energy. No need for genetics or endocrinologist etc.

I can't see why you've had so many tests, medication, talk of feeding tubes etc. For healthy children this seems totally unnecessary. Is anxiety or neurodevelopmental issues involved for you or the children?

I don't think it can be called sexism in this context. It is quite possible that OP would want a boy if they had 2 girls, regardless of the medical history.
The fact is that society cares more about a male's height- just look at dating websites where men are filtered by height.
We all want our child to have as seamless and happy life as possible, and that often means wanting them to fit in.

It’s sex, not gender.

And sex selection is rightly illegal in Britain. No fertility clinic will let you do that in this country.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself- treating human life so cheaply.

Neurodevelopment was expected to be an issue the Older one had speech delay - didn’t even say mommy till after 2. Now he is almost 7 and a very eloquent speaker for his age. he was dangling on very low percentile ever since we started solids. It dropped from 29 to 3 in 2 months. That’s when they flagged it and we started all circles of hell. The second one refused even nursing starting from month 3. We had to do feeding tube when he was 4 months old as he wouldn’t nurse wouldn’t take a bottle. It’s been a struggle ever since to feed them. He was nursing only while asleep for a few months.
completely fine developed child otherwise. Of If I don’t do anything (negotiate how much they eat and rewards for that) they can go on 100-200 calories for days until I have to intervene.

Honestly?

I'm sorry but no, I don't think you should do this. I'm fundamentally against sex-selection IVF if I'm honest, and I can't think of a reason why anyone should do it. Your reason...definitely not.

Focus on the children you do have. Not on having one that might have the same issues but be a girl.

(Edited as I cross-posted with OP and don't think my previous comment is relevant now)

Sorry… what makes you think a potential girl won’t have the exact same ‘health’ problems… even though OP says her children are ‘perfectly healthy’.

I acknowledge that and will take it just like I’m taking it with these 2. Having a slightly higher chance of having it different was my idea. And yes I would love to have a girl along with my boys.

I do understand the day to day worry of the failure to thrive must be draining op , and when you are in a bad cycle like that, it can be tempting to think irrationally about getting free of it - a bit like wanting to jump overboard when you are really seasick on a boat just to be free of it.

But that's what this line of thought is: a panicked and irrational response to the discomfort and strain of the situation. A daughter would be just as worrying if she had these issues.

Don’t have IVF. Your post indicates that you’re not cut out for it.

I feel like it would be a bit rude to date your bf (unless you don't mind?)

😂