IVF dilemma. Thinking of going through IVF forThe purpose of gender selection.

[VS1987]

We have 2 boys (5 and 7) with growth issues, candidates for growth hormone therapy. It’s been the source of constant stress and anxiety
them being under 5 percentile constantly. Otherwise completely healthy and happy children.
Had 2 miscarriages (also boys) before them, but all the 4 pregnancies happened on the 1st try.
However, I always wanted a bigger family and I still have a void of being a girl mom and have a daughter.
I’m sure we could get pregnant again, but I can’t fathom to go again through this growth problems and stress around it, having a boy. In my head hight with girls it’s not as much of an issue, I am petite myself and my husband is average height. He only agrees to have another child through IVF juts To make sure it’s a girl this time. I agree the whole point of having another child is having a daughter.
I guess I’m trying to find justification for it, but having fears of IVF and moral dilemma. After hearing the both sides: One is that it’s unethical to select the gender and IVF is against nature bla bla bla. And even that IVF children somehow more at risk and not as good as “natural” which is ridiculous but makes me anxious. And on the other side are the parents who can’t conceive and any child would be a blessing for them - I feel bad asking on their forums With all that does anyone has any thought if there are other aspects of it? How bad is IVF for the health of both a mother and a child? I’ve been ruminating around it for weeks before writing here.
Please no insults. But every opinion or argument is valid. Thanks

If you're in the UK it's illegal here....

IVF children aren’t “less than” at all!

I’d be concerned your sons have other, as yet unknown medical issues, which will need more support later and your IVF child could too. I’d also be concerned that you’re sending a message to your sons that their height is unacceptable, to the extent that you’d pay thousands to not have another son like them.

I also think you want a perfect daughter and everything else is noise. Feel sorry for your sons tbh.

Concentrate on the children you have. IVF when you already have children is reprehensible.
No-one “needs” more children.

I think that if you care enough about gender to have IVF, you shouldn't have a baby at all (barring serious health concerns where the motivation is preventing a child from suffering).

If you care that much about gender then you're not seeing your future child as an individual in their own right, just someone you can dress up and try to make fit who you want them to be.

Not to mention the effort on your son's if they ever found out you turned to IVF to avoid having another child like them.

It’s not only immoral but is actually illegal in England.

There is no guarantee of health if you did have a girl.

I think you have reasonable grounds to be concerned about having another boy, to avoid health issues.

I know a couple of women who've gone through IVF - one successfully, one not. It was emotionally arduous and expensive for both - I think it's important to know when to stop.

What is it about having a girl that makes you want one so much? What if you have a daughter who isn't girly and doesn't fulfil your girl expectations?
It doesn't sound like your motives are very healthy tbh.

Get a doll if you want to play dress up. Girls aren’t all the same you know 🤦🏻‍♀️ and what a message to give to your boys.

Thank your for your response.
All we do is trying not to put an accent on their size. We just observe it for now with the doctors and never bring up any conversation about it in front of them. It started coming up recently because they started school and kids are not kind to them because of their hight. All I do is trying to help them overcome this by telling that highs is not Important, and focus on other qualities, while they know I’m lying to them. Small men are disregarded a lot in this world if we talk objectively.

If you did do this, where would you go to do it?

Gender selective IVF isn’t legal in the UK. Not sure about elsewhere.

I won’t have a go at you, but I will say that as a mum to 2 girls and a boy, I don’t get the obsession some people have with being a “boy/girl” mum (or dad). Just because you have given birth to a girl it doesn’t mean she will automatically live up to your expectations of what a daughter should be or your relationship with her will be exactly as you expect. Same goes for a son btw.

Small men aren’t less valuable than taller men. And anyway, your sons may grow with the growth hormones or during puberty. You can’t write them off now!

I have no ethical problems with doing this at all (it’s called family balancing in the US) but as someone experienced in IVF and the options in other countries (a) I would personally say there is no way if it is worth the expense and challenges of IVF when you find it easy to get pregnant naturally just to gender select, (b) you’d have to go to the US if you wanted to do this with a reputable provider which will make it even more exorbitantly expensive and disruptive to you and your kids lives. As a parent of both genders who was keen to have a little girl - at least so far I’d say they’ve both surprised me versus the stereotypes of why you might want a specific gender and the individuals that they are makes much more difference to the experience of being their mom than their gender does.

Moreover, if it’s really about avoiding the growth issues your boys have had I think you need to first work out if their issues are a risk to only boy offspring or to all your offspring (ie is their a genetic factor that is only linked to their gender). I don’t know the answer but my guess is not - at which point your suggestion that you avoid this issue by having a girl makes no sense to me as just because society is more accepting of short girls doesn’t mean any medical implications of the growth issues go away at all.

Yes - where do you plan on doing this?

This has disaster written all over it

I have a family member who did this (two girls) had IVF in Northern Cyprus for two boys. Seriously don’t do it - the child isn’t there to fill your wound.

focus on the kids you have

'All I do is trying to help them overcome this by telling that highs is not Important, and focus on other qualities, while they know I’m lying to them. Small men are disregarded a lot in this world if we talk objectively.'

Your poor sons. They can probably pick up on the fact that you see them as deficient or inadequate in a sense.

ummm. You tell your boys that height is not important but you want to have a girl so she won't be short.

But there's no reason girls wouldn't have exactly the same health issues as the OP's sons. The OP just thinks that being unusually short will be less difficult for a girl. I think personally she should focus on the two children she has, given that she describes their condition as giving rise to constant stress and anxiety -- surely a third child is a bad idea in the circumstances?

And yes, OP, in which jurisdiction would you plan to do this, given its illegality in the UK?

Yikes. I was an IVF baby born 30 years ago - wild to think there's people out there who genuinely think we might be more unhealthy or somehow "less than"! 🙄

Your poor sons.

You’re small, your husband is average. It was pretty likely you would have small kids. There is nothing wrong with your kids, they are just small. They are also still very young and may yet grow, with or without hormones.

I agree with a PP who says this is all about you wanting a “perfect girl” and the rest is just noise. And another PP who says a girl could have different issues.

Have a third child if you want a third child. Don’t have a child if they will only be acceptable if they have certain characteristics.

You are thinking you need to try for IVF to get a girl who may then be faced with passing the exact same genetic issues to her own future offspring? is that not selfish?