IVF dilemma. Thinking of going through IVF forThe purpose of gender selection.

[VS1987]

We have 2 boys (5 and 7) with growth issues, candidates for growth hormone therapy. It’s been the source of constant stress and anxiety
them being under 5 percentile constantly. Otherwise completely healthy and happy children.
Had 2 miscarriages (also boys) before them, but all the 4 pregnancies happened on the 1st try.
However, I always wanted a bigger family and I still have a void of being a girl mom and have a daughter.
I’m sure we could get pregnant again, but I can’t fathom to go again through this growth problems and stress around it, having a boy. In my head hight with girls it’s not as much of an issue, I am petite myself and my husband is average height. He only agrees to have another child through IVF juts To make sure it’s a girl this time. I agree the whole point of having another child is having a daughter.
I guess I’m trying to find justification for it, but having fears of IVF and moral dilemma. After hearing the both sides: One is that it’s unethical to select the gender and IVF is against nature bla bla bla. And even that IVF children somehow more at risk and not as good as “natural” which is ridiculous but makes me anxious. And on the other side are the parents who can’t conceive and any child would be a blessing for them - I feel bad asking on their forums With all that does anyone has any thought if there are other aspects of it? How bad is IVF for the health of both a mother and a child? I’ve been ruminating around it for weeks before writing here.
Please no insults. But every opinion or argument is valid. Thanks

I am a mum of 2DD and a DS and have been IVF ( for my first) I would say that it really is an intrusive and all encompassesing process, and not one I would enter into with an already stressful life .

I also just want to add i totally understand your concern about your boys height and I agree with you that it is significantly harder for a boy to be short than it is for a girl. My son is under the 1st percentile and already he feels different and hates his height and he is still in primary school. It breaks my heart to think of how he will feel watching his friends go through puberty and the disparity between him and them increase ( and no, he won't catch up, Dr's think he will be very lucky to reach 5 foot ). I just dont think it would matter as much if he were a girl

I’m one of 5 girls myself. Living away from my country and seeing them very rarely, not every year. But I’m still very close with my mom and my sisters and multiple nieces that I helped bring up, before I left. The relationships are very precious andp very different. And we are not all girly girls at all. While I have good relationship with my mother in law it’s not close, she is not my mom.
I feel bad for those who think that having a daughter is about dress up or getting a doll.

Do you son's have an actual condition? When will you know if they are candidates for growth hormone therapy? You are a bit hazy on it all.

If it is a condition then having a daughter doesn't negate the risk that she may too have the same issues? (but as a girl it's okay to be smaller?)

You view IVF as unnatural but it's okay as long as you can be a girl mom?

Your post is all over the place to be honest.

It's tough out there for short boys/men. It sad, height really shouldn't be important. I don't blame op for not wanting her child to struggle.

Do you actually want 3 children? How would you feel if the clinic made a mistake and you ended up pregnant with a boy? (I have no idea how likely this is, but expect it’s possible)

You have two sons. That’s two more children than a lot of people. You have sons who are short - so what? You’re the one making an issue of their height. It really doesn’t matter.
You mention being a ‘girl mom’. What does this even mean?
IVF involves taking a lot of drugs, numerous appointments and is very expensive. It has a low success rate. Don’t enter into it lightly. Also YABU for saying ‘we could get pregnant’. You might get pregnant but your DH won’t.

As long as you realise it is going to be a difficult and expensive journey to conceive a daughter, then go for it. I would be very concerned about the height issue affecting your sons though, and I would want more information about that before embarking on another pregnancy. I have 2 boys and 2 girls, and neither of my girls were into frilly dresses and playing with dolls. They just wanted to be like their big brothers and grew up skateboarding, doing Jujitsu and BMXing. There's no guarantee your daughter will be a girly girl.

I can only think you’ve used AIBU to ensure a contentious thread.

Cannot believe anyone who can conceive normally, would want to deliberately put their body through IVF???

where are you from OP?
Russia?

Most people I have known to have IVF have ended up on antidepressants, it's awful to have your body flooded with hormones, and I wouldn't recommend it.

He would be at an advantage in sports like gymnastics. Smaller people can tumble faster. Olympic champion Carlos Yulo is 4'11", Simone Biles is 4'8".

You don't even deserve the poor boys you already have so no, I don't think you should go ahead and try for a girl this time.

What kind of human are you?

I understand your stress op. We all want every best thing for our children, but, truly, height is really not such a huge issue if they are otherwise healthy. I'd genuinely prefer mine were bright. Though wouldn't be ungrateful for a 6 foot genius son. Provided you teach them it is no big deal, it won't be in the bigger picture.

I am not going to say I don't understand why you might see IVF as a "solution" but I truthfully think it is a solution to something that isn't really a problem.

I don't see why ivf is "reprehensible" if you already have children and am not sure why pp said that.

But gender selection for an issue which, (as far as I can tell), is essentially a cosmetic issue does start to get more complicated. I don't think it's even legal is it?

I think, on the whole, if you really wouldn't want to risk a third male child with short stature, you probably shouldn't be having another baby.

ETA and even a short, not bright child can be utterly lovable. It's a baby op, not a commodity.

I would 🤷‍♀️

Oh God, how awful. Please don't have anymore children.

I have no ethical problems with doing this at all (it’s called family balancing in the US)

Family balancing? WTF? Is a family with two daughters and no sons (or vice versa) "unbalanced"?

You absolutely should not do this. Hugely unethical and also illegal. And yes bad for your health too but that’s the most minor reason. You do not get to pick and choose life on the basis of preference.

None of those are exceptionally short though, below average but not exceptionally short.

My BF is 5'3, would you date him?

This is - I really, really, hope - a niche view. Why so? Why does it have to be a need?

I’ve never heard of IVF being able to tell sex of embryos.

It's playing God. Shouldn't even be a thing.

I find that really offensive! I had 3 kids via IVF. Should I have stopped after one as I already had a child? It's no different to wanting more children when you already have one. However I am not sure the OP realises that you can't select by gender in the UK...

You have two children with a disability. Look through this site, and see the number of posts by families with children with disabilities.

Don't bring another child into a family that in 10 years time is going to struggle to cope and make all of your children suffer.

You can have gender selection IVF in the UK for medical reasons to prevent passing on a serious, sex-linked genetic disorder - but I think you'd need medical evidence of it!

I'm the same as you and contemplating my 4th. I'm a villain. I wouldn't bother being offended below. The utter nonsense some people believe about IVF is extensive and sometimes delightfully batty, and sometimes just batty. Either way ...