In laws telling DD she would never make it to university.

[Getbackinyourlane12]

Hi
this is more of a rant than anything else ! In laws have 8 grandchildren and the eldest has just started university ( not my DC )
my eldest has just started secondary school and so a while off yet !
DD was over at grandparents the weekend and came back a little upset questioning me about university and getting upset that she will never be able to be an Occupational therapist.
I asked where this has come from and it turns out during the weekend her cousin was talking about her new life at university and DD took an interest and said she wanted to be an OT. She is 11 so I’m aware this can change 🤣 her nan then went on to tell her that I am not setting her up for the reality of her future. To get in to university you will need to do well in your GCSES for college and then well in your A levels and unfortunately your ability is below that. What ?? She’s 11 😭😭 this has all come about because they are all huge academics and asked daughter when she got her sats results what they were.
not to drip feed there was huge health impacts and other factors than meant her primary education was not your average !
she is now able to attend school more and is a great school with great results for children who need a smaller environment but are academic.
I spoke to the in-laws and the MIL said I was misleading daughter and it was better for me now to work towards more an enable goal and have a plan for her that is realistic and not a pipe dream.

she’s 11 😭she’s a tough cookie and in my opinion extremely smart !

She is 11! She'll probably change her mind a dozen times in the next few years. It's no one's job to tell her, at 11, to forget her ambitions because she's too dim to achieve them.

Tell your daughter not to listen to anyone about what she can achieve, if she is determined ( and has a little luck) she can do whatever she likes, don't let her be in environments which talk her down like this, and never discuss exam results unless you know it is going to be someone who is supportive.
I missed most of my year before O'levels because of ill health- but I got stuck in and didn't have to redo the year (despite having only about a 25% attendance record). I was determined not to redo the year and it carried me through- you just can't listen to nay-sayers if you are going to battle the odds.

Your daughter sounds amazing to me. With everything she has faced to achieve those results in her stats shows she is bright.

It also sounds as if she has a great mum fighting her corner and giving get any support she needs.

Sounds as if the choice not to send her to a grammar school is what the grandmother doesn't approve of. Is she of an age where everyone did 11+ to determine if you went to grammar school or not? ( I know that still happens idosome parts of the uk).

Maybe she thinks that you chose not to send her because she isn't "clever" enough. It sounds as if you actually made the choice to send your daughter to a school that better suits her needs, and she will thrive there.

I think I would be keeping grandmother at an arms length and only having contact on your terms.

I know it may change, but think it is lovely that she wants to do occupational therapy. From her own experience she can see how important it is to the patient.

Good luck to you and your family.

DD had a great day at school today and seems in good spirits. I never got angry about MIL in front of her I just spoke to her about things calmly.

Those SATS results are amazing on 20% attendance, she sounds like a genius to me! And of course she could do OT in university if she worked hard, she certainly sounds capable.
Your MIL is a cow, there is no excuse for saying shit like that to an 11 year old. I would be seriously considering how much she should be seeing your DD and I would certainly never send her unsupervised again. I would also be reading to riot act to MIL and telling her in no uncertain terms that is she ever speaks to her like that again she won't be seeing her again.

Grandparents are being assholes. And they are also wrong.

I left school at 16 without an qualification to my name. I got a degree from a very good university. Sure, I took a different route, an access course, experience in the field and life experience. I had a job I loved for many years because of this. At 11 years old I don't think going to university crossed my mind. We grow into ourselves, develop and change.
My child would be not be seeing the in laws. Certainly not without me. It's outrageous saying that to a child. These type of throw away remarks can follow people through life.
I hope your daughter takes this as a challenge and shows them she can follow her dreams.

It was not this woman's place to make any such comment.

Put her in her place and keep her there.

And please ensure your daughter is NEVER EVER left unsupervised around this vicious woman again and that you are ready to jump in if she starts any future verbal attacks.

Always assume people mean it when they are malicious.

As the saying goes people show you who they are. Believe them.

OP Don't listen to the MIL your DD will do just fine and from a personal perspective I was told at Primary School I was backwards Academically.

despite operating at the level of a 7 year old at 10 and my teacher mother's efforts i managed to pass the 11+ . From there I did a Politics Degree at Keele University and met DH.

I knew a woman who did really very badly at school due to truancy as she was badly bullied and the school didn't care, they just let it happen. When she left school, she had no qualifications at all. However, she did get a job that she thoroughly enjoyed and did an Open University course. I can't remember exactly what she went on to do but it was in the medical research field. It doesn't all have to be done within the normal school years, your fabulous daughter needs to use her energy to get well, learn as much as she can when is able and just know that she will have the opportunity to get qualifications in whatever field she ends up wanting to even if it's not by the usual Uni route.

I’m so sorry she’s had that experience. Moreover, it’s total rubbish. My school experience wasn’t brilliant at secondary for a raft of challenging family reasons - my GCSEs were ok, though my A Levels were bordering on a disaster. I can remember that my SATs were so average hahaha! I think we were among the first kids to ever do them lol. But when it comes to goals, we carve out the routes we want and need. I studied a degree with the Open Uni and got a First. And I studied it as a hobby - didn’t even need it!! So people are just as they’re meant to be and if they want something, they pursue it. Limit contact with such an ill-informed and toxic opinion.

There are different routes into OT (uni degree; apprenticeship while doing degree which is paid for by NHS; OT assistant jobs which creates potential for further training and full qualification).

Little snippets of your comments and the general impression you give, suggests your daughter’s challenges at school will have strengthened her suitability for OT. The nature of the profession involves finding methods to overcome difficult tasks. The fact she’s so interested at such a young age is also encouraging.

I’m spitting mad on your behalf! How dare they 😡 Hopefully I’ll be browsing MN in 10 years time, reading about how your daughter’s achieved her goals despite having some shitty relatives ❤️

My MIL said more than once I would never get to be a nurse. Just retired after career of 42 years - during which I held the rank of Matron and head of Clinical services.
Seriously what do they know. Enjoy proving them wrong.

Great update. Glad your daughter had a good day in school.

Why on earth would an adult be looking to restrict an 11 year olds life options?! She’s 11! Christ if a kid can’t have a dream and a bit of ambition then we all might as well not bother!

Not really the point but what a great aspiration to have at 11!

Your MIL is a nasty piece of work who should keep her opinions to herself.

No 11 year old should ever believe that they have failed already, what an awful mindset they want to instil in her.

Honestly I feel for you and your DD. When I was at high school I was bullied horrendously; so my attendance dropped massively. I got in to college and still had some PTSD and depression; and (back in those days) got a U. I was devastated; but through family support and meds; I turned that U into an A; and got in to my first choice uni.You know what it means now? Virtually nothing. Just know your love and support for your DC means more than anything! x

This.

Tell your DD that MIL is old, behind the times and doesn't know what she is talking about, and she shouldn't take any notice of her.

Then avoid unsupervised contact. What a nasty bigoted unsupportive old woman.

You have a miraculous child on your hands that has battled for years and is doing well and all they can think about is university and grammar school. Their loss.

Grandma, Stop this or you won't be seeing your granddaughter very much.

I was far from academic in my early years (I cringe at how difficult I found certain things looking back) but in mymiddle secondary and senior years, I blossomed and got into a top University. I’ve done quite well since as well.

Are the in-laws Chinese? My family is Chinese and these are the kind of things you’re likely to hear unfortunately.

As I’ve become an adult, I realise that older generations have zero filter and say mad stuff without even really thinking it through. They also just think of when they were young and things were harder. Tell DD to ignore it.

Not more of this ageist crap! Some people of all ages have no filter.and say mad stuff without thinking it through. This is how it has always been and always will be. It's nothing to do with being older than you.