In laws telling DD she would never make it to university.

[Getbackinyourlane12]

Hi
this is more of a rant than anything else ! In laws have 8 grandchildren and the eldest has just started university ( not my DC )
my eldest has just started secondary school and so a while off yet !
DD was over at grandparents the weekend and came back a little upset questioning me about university and getting upset that she will never be able to be an Occupational therapist.
I asked where this has come from and it turns out during the weekend her cousin was talking about her new life at university and DD took an interest and said she wanted to be an OT. She is 11 so I’m aware this can change 🤣 her nan then went on to tell her that I am not setting her up for the reality of her future. To get in to university you will need to do well in your GCSES for college and then well in your A levels and unfortunately your ability is below that. What ?? She’s 11 😭😭 this has all come about because they are all huge academics and asked daughter when she got her sats results what they were.
not to drip feed there was huge health impacts and other factors than meant her primary education was not your average !
she is now able to attend school more and is a great school with great results for children who need a smaller environment but are academic.
I spoke to the in-laws and the MIL said I was misleading daughter and it was better for me now to work towards more an enable goal and have a plan for her that is realistic and not a pipe dream.

she’s 11 😭she’s a tough cookie and in my opinion extremely smart !

I have had a long chat with daughter. We are very aware of her limitations and don’t get me wrong there is certain things she probably would never be strong at like - sports but we have never been like well don’t try then no point

My son wants to be a vet. He’s wanted to be a vet since primary school. Is he brilliantly academic? No he’s currently a smidge above average. Did his school let him know that veterinary science is far too much of a long shot? No, they told him that they were sure that his determination would get him to where he wanted to be.

neither myself nor my husband did well at school but we both have degrees and I have a post graduate qualification.

whether the old bat has a point is irrelevant, she should not be limiting the hopes and dreams of an 11 year old.

she’s a cow and I’d not let my child be around her anymore. Clearly your daughter isn’t the favoured one and granny will be less than happy if she outshines one that she does favour.

Your in-laws are absolutely vile for saying this and the fact that she’s gone through such awful health problems makes it even worse that I’m upset for your dd! What has your dh said?

Your DD sound like a tough cookie! Well done her for getting through her challenges. So much happens in secondary and there are many paths to University if that’s where she still wants to go. I did think being an OT was quite specific for 11 but your context makes sense.

There's now more universities than ever. When I went it was only 6% of the population attending an actual university (not counting polys), now there's literally somewhere for pretty much everyone.

And as I say, if she sets her mind on it, that's usually the biggest hurdle to success. Why tell an 11 yr old they can't do something? Ever?

That’s outrageous I would be fuming!

Two points to add really. DS didn’t sit SATS at due to not being academically able enough in primary school but he did go on to sit and pass all his GCSE’s and is now doing well at college. So there really is nothing about SATS that is a full indicator of future learning success.

Secondly I retrained as an OT as a mature student. It’s not THAT academic IMO. The running joke on our course was it was for people not clever enough to do physiotherapy! Anyway it is a fab career and if you DD still wants to go for it when she’s older she really should!

Yes !! She adores her OT so think that’s probably where it has stemmed from.

What a horrid thing to say. She’s 11. I wouldn’t send around unaccompanied and would raise it with them.
There’s plenty of ways to get to uni not just A levels, b tech etc that might suit some dc more.
Theres also a wide range of uni courses including foundation years, pretty much anyone who wants to will find a place on a course.

I wouldn't
I dont know the Ops daughter
I'm just pointing out university doesn't suit everyone and that's fine.

No, by saying "university doesn't suit everyone" you're leaning into the negative.

stuff that.

If I wanted to be charitable, I'd say perhaps your MIL was thinking of your daughter's health and wondering if she will ever be strong enough for a demanding full-time job. Her health problems must have been very worrying for everyone in the family, and presumably she does still have issues from the cerebral palsy. It was still totally unnecessary to talk to your daughter like that when you were not there, though. What does her Dad say?

Your daughter sounds great, by the way! Every best wish for her future, whatever she ends up doing. When I was 11, I wanted to be (in rapid succession) an air hostess, a bilingual secretary and a microbiologist (that was after writing an essay on Alexander Fleming). I didn't do any of those things in the end.

MIL was being a bitch, and competitive. Totally out of line.

I hope grandma lives long enough for your daughter to prove her wrong. What a horror she is, pissing on a young persons dreams.

I would genuinely not be permitting DD to see your in-laws unsupervised. I’d also make it crystal clear why I was doing it.

I feel like I keep ignoring the DH is saying.
DH is no longer with us and I am usually no contact with in laws but I do allow them contact with the children.
probably best I re think that to !

She has eight years ahead of her to catch up. No one should be putting (mental) hurdles in her way at this stage.

I'm not I'm talking about my own experience with my own son
There are other equally valid pathways in life.

Quick search and this is Huddersfield. Bet granny hasn’t heard of a Btech or T level. Many ways to get in the course if it’s still your dc’s choice when she’s older.

I totally agree - she is 11 and will probably change her mind Mutiple times I just don’t want her ever thinking that there is no point in trying.

I am not an academic pusher but I did feel it was vital for me to make sure she did To a degree access as much as she could as I never wanted her childhood health to have to effect her full adult life.

I had an entire family like your in-laws. 'Clever' older cousin, poor not very bright me, was how I was brought up. I wish my mother had been a tiger fighting for her cub like you are!
Anyhoo. Grandparents are seriously out of line and need to realise that SATS are not actually the be all and end all when it comes to future career aspirations. I think your daughter probably wants to be an OT because she's seen their work and been inspired. If she really wants to do that, encourage her to work hard etc.
As others said, there are different ways to get onto a degree course. See what her GCSEs are, and whether she wants to do A-level or a vocational equivalent. Look too at the unis she wants to go to, and talk to the OT admissions folks about what they accept. Ask too about widening access and whether there are any schemes for applicants whose childhoods haven't been straightforward. They might run a summer school or similar to help them be ready for uni study.
I'm not in OT but I am involved in admission work for another vocational degree course (my family were wrong, I wasn't completely thick...)!!! If your daughter could demonstrate she had the capacity and commitment to do well on my course, I would offer her a place given how well she's doing, despite challenges in life.
Good luck and fortune to your daughter. You must be very proud of her!

I don’t know if I’m even that concerned. We were astonished by her SATS results.

her attendance has increased massively especially now in a more adaptive small school and health albeit still an issue is not as impacting as it was for the primary school years.

in my head if she got those scores
with nearly 2 years off for shielding
followed by very minimal in person education for the last 3 years of primary
then the small classes / catch up intervention and better attendance she has a real chance of doing very well and we are so proud of her.

Are you on a position in the future to get extra tuition for you daughter. In years to come you'll know where the gaps are. Her health is more important than anything right now. 😍 2 fingers up to grandparents
Good luck

If my Granddaughter had been that unwell for so long, I would be doing everything in my power to build her up and make her feel good about herself. I can not imagine speaking so negatively to an 11 year old grandchild. If I really thought it was beyond her and from a place of kindness and wanting to protect her in the future I may say something to the parents about keeping wide options open, but I just can’t fathom being unkind to a grandchild never mind one that has also faced challenges. Don’t leave her alone with Grandma again.

Are you on a position in the future to get extra tuition for you daughter. In years to come you'll know where the gaps are. Her health is more important than anything right now. 😍 2 fingers up to grandparents
Good luck

I do think though she is the first grandchild not to have got into the grammar schools and this is almost a family tradition which was probably sour for them.
I didn’t attempt to get her in to grammar school though - it was not the best place for her.