In laws telling DD she would never make it to university.

[Getbackinyourlane12]

Hi
this is more of a rant than anything else ! In laws have 8 grandchildren and the eldest has just started university ( not my DC )
my eldest has just started secondary school and so a while off yet !
DD was over at grandparents the weekend and came back a little upset questioning me about university and getting upset that she will never be able to be an Occupational therapist.
I asked where this has come from and it turns out during the weekend her cousin was talking about her new life at university and DD took an interest and said she wanted to be an OT. She is 11 so I’m aware this can change 🤣 her nan then went on to tell her that I am not setting her up for the reality of her future. To get in to university you will need to do well in your GCSES for college and then well in your A levels and unfortunately your ability is below that. What ?? She’s 11 😭😭 this has all come about because they are all huge academics and asked daughter when she got her sats results what they were.
not to drip feed there was huge health impacts and other factors than meant her primary education was not your average !
she is now able to attend school more and is a great school with great results for children who need a smaller environment but are academic.
I spoke to the in-laws and the MIL said I was misleading daughter and it was better for me now to work towards more an enable goal and have a plan for her that is realistic and not a pipe dream.

she’s 11 😭she’s a tough cookie and in my opinion extremely smart !

I'm just astounded that an 11 year old even knows what an Occupational Therapist is.

You definitely have a point however I read an article recently about Anthony Hopkins who very much put his success down to the fact that he was completely underrated and undervalued as a child. He said that it was very motivating and described how he was determined to show his family and teachers that he could be a success.
Maybe the OP could talk to her daughter about working hard and jolly well proving them wrong!

No way would I allow my daughter or boys to go there unsupervised again. I was shocking at maths until 13 years old,I just didn’t get it. I had extra classes provided by the normal maths teacher for strugglers like me. I ended up with a B, then A-Levels, university x 2 with a BA Hons, and then a masters in Social Work. I still hate maths but didn’t stop me doing what I wanted. Grandma is a total cow, and I’d be telling her as such. At 11 anything and everything can change, from school ability to career choices. At 11 I wanted to be either a spice girl or air hostess.

You could take O levels at a non-grammar school.

They are all 'huge academics'? Arseholes they are, that is what they are. If they really were 'huge academics', they would have said 'you did not perform that well in primary school for whatever reason, so we, as 'huge academics' are here to help you - next time you come for the week-end, you and we, all of us, shall sit down and help you to devise a study plan/we shall help you with your maths/physics/chemistry, etc. If they were 'huge academics' (which I massively doubt) they would have delighted in helping her achieve her dream and more.

Good time for her to learn, that just because her grandparents are experts in some things, doesn't mean they know everything.

They are right she will have to get decent grades, but she can also get work experience as an OT assistant which will help her build those skills if she is not academically inclined. before she gets into a degree.

No she doesn’t have a point. Mother has said she is doing well and she has 7 years to continue doing so. If things change for the worse I’m sure the mother will be there to guide her daughter.

I agree with everyone else, op, and you - your MIL was ignorant and way out of line. Your daughter is only 11, she has 7 years of schooling ahead of her and a lot can change in that time.

You need to turn this around and use it as a motivator, as in "grandma doesn't know what she is talking about and we are going to SHOW her"

I have only read your first post, apologies if I parrot other people's comments. My friend don't do ALevels and did an Access course and got into Occupational Therapy. Your daughter may change her mind in the next few years, but I'd guess that if she does, she would still want to do something in a similar caring field. I know people who have got into Nursing, Midwifery, Radiography, Physiotherapy, Podiatry, and Prosthetics and Orthotics after doing an Access course. Even people with no English and/or Maths GSCE as they did their functional skills. If ALevels don't pan out, that is always abd option. Or there may be an option for her to do a BTEC or equivalent ?? in Health and Social Care.

Unfortunately, a few academic people seem to have rubbish personal skills and little common sense. I hope the thoughtless comments don't damage your daughter's confindence. I don't think my response to MIL would pass the guidelines!

Respectfully, I disagree. No adult has the right to dash a young child’s hopes. Telling a child what they may need to achieve in order to enter a certain profession is very different from telling them they don’t have the ability to achieve it. There is no point for OP to reflect on, other than the fact that the in-laws can’t be trusted for childcare.

I empathise with OP as one of my children wants to be an astronaut. However, they have a chronic health condition that will preclude them from ever becoming one. Have I told them that no space agency on the planet would employ them as an astronaut? Absolutely not. Mainly for two reasons:

1. While their passion for space currently takes the form of a desire to be an astronaut- it could in future lead to becoming a space engineer, meteorologist, astronomer, lecturer, satellite telecommunications expert and many more paths related to their interest.

2.Telling them they could never become an astronaut serves no function other than to break their confidence. Most 10 years olds who dream of becoming astronauts will never set foot in a spacecraft but building a child’s self belief and supporting their interests is the most important thing at that age, rather than giving them a dose of reality.

Preteen children don’t need pessimism - they just need encouragement to stay curious and work consistently.

OP as everyone is saying, the in-laws were bang out of order. And being academics is no excuse, so are DH and I and we wouldn't dream of judging and discouraging a stranger's child like that, let alone a grandchild. Honestly, some people. I hope your daughter's health stabilises further and she gets to do exactly what she wants to.

Sorry but they're comments are outrageous. If she was in year 13 and predicted E grades with only 60 percent attendance and out drinking 4 nights a week with no life skills then maybe they would have a point. But at 11 years old they are bang out of order.

‘Leaning into the negative’ ….tosh. The fact is that university doesn’t suit everyone and is quite often a not a good idea. Huge debt on graduation and quite possibly a degree which can be of little use in a subject which has been oversubscribed. Virtually everyone waiting tables and working in shops has a degree of sorts which they cannot use as intended and the jobs market is so full of graduates that quite often only a doctorate will get them noticed. This reality is the thing that will crush a young adult’s hopes and aspirations. Not everyone is intellectually able to thrive at university. Sure, encourage children and don’t crush their hopes but try to mould their hopes to match their ability.

I’d be furious, how dare they 🤬

Personally I’d be going very very low contact.

Ignore this, since read on a bit further Can't edit or delete it 😬

How horrible. FWIW I have a close relative who pretty much failed his GCSEs and went to Oxford, is now a professor and teaches at a really good university.
My brother did badly until around 14, got a 1st at uni and now works for an investment bank.

That is shocking! Your poor DD and what a toxic MIL.
I’ve scrolled madly out of anger so I’m not sure what I missed.
i missed half of my third year at secondary school because a health condition went haywire ( choices were picked for O grades and this was the first year focusing on exams…).
I managed to get straight As in everything apart from Maths. I sat my Highers and still had good grades but chickened out of uni as I couldn’t see how I would cope with the seizure situation back in the 80s. I went to uni when everything calmed down. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger or so they tell me!
Chronic medical conditions tend to build resilience.
Your DD will doubtless make her MIL eat her words and be a great OT.

I hope your DD does it just to bloody spite them. Be aware though she can go to college then just skip some years at uni. I did a HND which was 2 years then jumped into 3rd year at uni and the college setting was much better for me and maybe your DD with her health struggles. I remember a friend saying ‘you’re just at college I’m actually at UNI!’ She wasn’t pleased when I said ‘I still graduate at the same time as you, with the same level of degree!’

Why are adults asshole?!! Especially those closest to us!!

I was in no way academic, I had a traumatic childhood and was told I WOULDN'T do anything with my life. I left school with zero GCSE's and then diagnosed dyslexia and functional issues (amongst other things).

I have one degree, in my final year for my second. My goal is to do my Masters and would love to do a PHD. Your daughter will do what she wants, regardless of her set backs all you need to do is be her advocate, starting with challenging her grandmother!! Never let anyone put her down like that but also build her to challenge people like this herself!

I think your MIL is out of touch.
They’ve been saying in the news lately that graduates are not getting the good salaries & apprenticeship are the way to go.
My daughter got a first class honours degree at a Russel Group Uni on an apprenticeship degree - no fees & a guaranteed job at the end. She’s on a very good salary & has just bought her first home at 24.
Our son didn’t go to university, he is now 20, travels the world & is on a six figure salary.
There are many routes nowadays - tell your daughter to do her best, but more importantly, have a good range of interests and hobbies and to get work experience where she can.

OP
My sister battled MH issues in secondary school didn't do great in GCSEs or A levels but went on to do a foundation access course and then her OT degree. She has been working in the field for several years now

Your DD is more than capable to achieve this dream.

I'd be furious in your place.

BTW, I have a young relative who was deemed to be 'non-academic'. He studied to be an OT and got a first.

I would be saying to my daughter ‘let’s prove them wrong!’

Given what she has faced at 11, to get 100 or even close to in some SATs is really, really great!!! She should be so proud of herself. I think it indicates great potential and resilience.

Your in-laws need to wind their necks in
and do a crash course in grandparenting. They might be academics but they have no emotional intelligence. What idiot says that to an 11 year old?!

100%
I am a teacher and I can see school is only one option.
How nasty of your MIL. All she had to do was smile and nod. Children develop so much between 11 and 15 anyway.