32 yo sister just told us she is dating a 57 yo!

[Plutowe]

We are all really quite horrified

Sister is a beautiful, grammar school/oxbridge student. She really has a lot going for her.

Sister recently broke it to us that she is in a relationship with a 57 yo. Ive seen pics and don’t get me wrong he’s done very well for himself professionally but we’re not talking billionaire or anything close. It’s not a gold digging situation. He’s handsome and fit. Probably was quite a catch….10 or 20 years ago.

Sister has had a tough few years and I genuinely think she is just lonely. My sister would never date anyone who didn’t want children so I can only assume that’s something they’re considering.

I obviously know it’s sister’s life to live but I genuinely think this relationship is a manifestation of her not being that happy. Her engagement ended very abruptly a week before the wedding due to groom’s infidelity.

How can I help sister?

Same age gap as my grandparents. They were married for 40+ years.

Edited for typo.

It doesn't sound as though she needs your help.

If she now has a thing for men old enough to comfortably be her father, there's nothing you can really do about it.

Just be there if she needs you.

I understand your concern for your sister. Did you try speaking to her separately to see if she's serious about this relationship and what the future would look like for her when he's 65 with a toddler, how will she cope with all of that and him potentially being in 80s with a teenager and her having to look after an old man and a teenager.

Back off

Why is OP getting hard time here while she's quite reasonably concerned about her sister.

How long is this relationship to date, OP? As often you’ll find the man won’t actually go through with a second family at nearly 60, and it ends. If so, she’d be young enough to still have children. This is worse if the women is 40ish.

Nothing you can do - it’s her life.

they both consenting adults no issue let them get on with it

You can be horrified if you like (I might be too) but she's 32. She's allowed make her own decisions whether you agree with them or not.

Because at 32 her dsis is old enough to decide what she wants from her own life.

Do you think she would make better (in your opinion) choices if she was ugly and state school educated?

Back off and let her live her life, you sound very judgemental.

Not sure what the grammar school/Uxbridge education has to do with anything.

Only proves that no matter what education you've had you'd still date an older person.

As you say your DS is 32 that's her choice who she dates, as long as her DP treats her well you shouldn't have any concerns.

It's none of your business. I would hate it if my family interfered in who I choose to date. Different if she was 18 maybe and vulnerable, but 32! Surely she's old enough now to make her own choices.

I wouldn’t be particularly worried but we are all different. I don’t see how you involving yourself will have anything good come from it. She’s not likely to stop the relationship because you are not in favour. You’ll have to allow her to do as she chooses.

Isn't it quite common in certain circles older men with younger partners/wives ? I wouldn't like it either, but it is really up to her, if she has children with him then that is something she is going to have to work out,

She's a grown woman and can decide who to date. People with good degrees are not automatically entitled to young and successful partners - especially if they don't want one!

I wouldn’t worry about this. She’s old enough to make her own choices.

There are some beautiful men at that age. If they’re fit and interesting I can see the appeal.

I think it's unlikely she needs your help, she sounds quite capable 😁 so do avoid butting in and being annoying.

She will realise that such a large gap isn't wise long term and it will likely not last too long. IF she asks your opinion there is nothing wrong with pointing this reality out - although the chances of him wanting to start a family at 60 are also slim.

If she does decide to throw caution to the wind and marry and have children with him, then you could reasonably ask her, once, if she's 100% about it, given the chances of ending up a carer, before she walks down the isle. But they both sound v solvent which helps greatly with all problems, so I wouldn't worry too much.

Mature men are so much better than childish immature men

Shes 32 not 22 so I would let her live her life how she wanted, shes not hurting anyone

She doesn’t need your help, she doesn’t appear to be vulnerable or being taken advantage of, it’s her life, you need to stay out of it.

Her qualifications don’t need to mark out all of her life decisions!

Quite.

But what does that have to do with this thread?

Unless you think there are no childish 57 year old men anywhere in the world?

Same age gap as Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas.

I would feel the same as you OP, but at the end of the day it's her choice.

Maybe, after the last fiasco she is fed up with immature 30 year old men.

Is she intending this to be a for-life relationship or just enjoying being loved and maybe pampered for a while??

You don't tell us what his situation is which have some.bearing for me. Is he never married or divorced or widowed? Had/has kids or never did that?

I think these are all questions I'd ask her (but very gettle obvs).

FWIW its pretty much what my sister did. She had 2 lovely daughters and 4 grandchildren now. He died when she was late 60s.

They lived assuming they'd only get 20 years together, they got almost twice that. The last 3 years were tough but that can be true of same age couples.

But honestly, as others have said, its her life and she's obviously smart enough to be making her own decisions.

I have learned over time that you can never see into others relationships except with your own prejudices colouring that view.

She's 32 not 16. She doesnt need help. She's a grown adult. Keep your nose out