32 yo sister just told us she is dating a 57 yo!

[Plutowe]

We are all really quite horrified

Sister is a beautiful, grammar school/oxbridge student. She really has a lot going for her.

Sister recently broke it to us that she is in a relationship with a 57 yo. Ive seen pics and don’t get me wrong he’s done very well for himself professionally but we’re not talking billionaire or anything close. It’s not a gold digging situation. He’s handsome and fit. Probably was quite a catch….10 or 20 years ago.

Sister has had a tough few years and I genuinely think she is just lonely. My sister would never date anyone who didn’t want children so I can only assume that’s something they’re considering.

I obviously know it’s sister’s life to live but I genuinely think this relationship is a manifestation of her not being that happy. Her engagement ended very abruptly a week before the wedding due to groom’s infidelity.

How can I help sister?

It wouldn’t be for me. When she is the age he is now he might well be dead. Otherwise there absolutely will be a huge gap in terms of health etc.
He will be 82. She will still be of working age.
It’s her life though.

If she was 25 I’d be concerned. At 32, she likely know who she is and what’s she doing. If she really wants kids, then it will be a short lived relationship.

At 32, she’s definitely old enough to make her own relationship decisions so you can’t say anything.

Having said that, it’s understandable that your family thinks it’s abit grim given that he’s only two years younger than your Dad. I can’t imagine my DD dating someone two years younger than DH!

But it’s up to her. 🤷

I've got friends who are very happily married with a big age gap. I don't really see it as a problem and I think the best thing you can do is be generally supportive. She needs to work out for herself if this is the right man for her.

If everyone tells her it's a terrible idea she might double down and then feel unable to admit it if things go wrong.

And the difference between those age gap relationships ahd the one OP's sister is in is....$$$$$$.
I'm not saying that these women were chasing millionaires but the fact is that having loads of money gives you lots more opportunities as to how you live your life -- multiple reisdences, being able to take breaks away from each other or holidays with friends but not spouse, servants and most of all far fewer money worries.

I would be concerned too. Of course she is an adult but it doesn't sound like she is in a good place right now.

I think the age gap while noticeable now isn't glaring. How will she feel when he is retired. How much help will he be during night feeds?

I’m not surprised you’re worried, especially if she is contemplating having a child with this man.

No idea what, if anything, you can do. Responses on here show exactly how childish many grown women can be.

I have a friend with a 22-year age gap. Her first husband who was a similar age to her died tragically.They’re now 53 and 75 with one child at university and the other finishing school.

They seem ok but as @tartyflette, money makes a big difference. My friends are an ordinary MC couple and it’s been tough in recent years, because he has to keep working as they still need two incomes. I think he’ll be about 80 before he can retire.

Its not what I would choose for myself. And I wouldnt be pleased in your situation either. But ultimately its really not up to you to interfere or to help. Its your sisters choice, her life. let her get on with it.

She’s a grown woman in her 30s who has met another adult that she likes. She doesn’t need your help or your judgments.

Similar (but less) age gap as exh fathers second wife. He died when the kids were 2&4 aged 67. It’s reasonable to be concerned. If he hasn’t got any kids already it’d be a pretty rude shock.

Haven't read the whole thread but almost identical relationship set up to me (ages wise and gap).
We met through work, knew each other for a while before getting together and getting married. Have 2 wonderful, healthy children and it's actually my health that's worse than his!
As long as he's a nice guy and your sister is happy, please just support them! Whilst it might not look perfect from the outside, if it works for them, that's what matters.

Jesus OP. Thirty-two is well into adulthood.

If they get on, have fun, and respect each other, why the heck wouldn't they date?

In what way?

Gross IMO. But I've had to see this play out with my father and child bride step monster. So I'm very biased.

I mean, if you are with someone your own age they will also at some point look like your old dad.

It can be hard to find someone you really click with. Sometimes especially for people who are very bright or have unusual interests.

I would have the same concerns as you, OP.

But this is Mumsnet where large age gap relationships are seen as completely fine and are always brilliant with no problems at all so this might not be the best place to ask for advice...

I don't believe anyone who says it wouldn't bother them.

WTF!!

Having spent decades persuading people that they should believe a woman because they tell the truth, why on Earth would you make a statement like that?

People have different opinions and outlooks.
Learn to live with that rather than assume that yours is the only honest voice.

Erm if you are with someone your own age they won’t ever look like your dad. Because you are the same age as them and therefore will look as old as them.

Do you understand the difference? Your partner won’t be mistaken for your dad in public.

I understood it as saying that your dad looks old. And your partner will look old. But of course eventually everyone's partner looks old if they don't die young.

If the intent was will be mistaken for your dad, yes, that's unlikely.

I'm just not sure why anyone would care about that. Of all the things that are significant in a relationship, that doesn't even make it on the list.

@CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone

I think what @zov is saying is that as a parent, she’d be concerned for her adult child in the long term if they were in a LTR with someone 25 years older, esp. if they want children. Not at 32 necessarily, but in the future.

How would you feel if your adult child were in that situation. I don’t think that’s an unusual reaction tbh.

If just be very pleased for your sister

I know someone this age who plays Sunday league and 5 a side football

57 is not old

Yes my feelings completely

See I DON’T think he’s too old to have a family

But I appreciate opinions may differ from mine

That isn't going to happen here is it!