32 yo sister just told us she is dating a 57 yo!

[Plutowe]

We are all really quite horrified

Sister is a beautiful, grammar school/oxbridge student. She really has a lot going for her.

Sister recently broke it to us that she is in a relationship with a 57 yo. Ive seen pics and don’t get me wrong he’s done very well for himself professionally but we’re not talking billionaire or anything close. It’s not a gold digging situation. He’s handsome and fit. Probably was quite a catch….10 or 20 years ago.

Sister has had a tough few years and I genuinely think she is just lonely. My sister would never date anyone who didn’t want children so I can only assume that’s something they’re considering.

I obviously know it’s sister’s life to live but I genuinely think this relationship is a manifestation of her not being that happy. Her engagement ended very abruptly a week before the wedding due to groom’s infidelity.

How can I help sister?

It might???!!!!!

I’d be concerned too if this was my sister. She sounds quite vulnerable and is possibly settling after everything she has been through and because of her desire for children. The age gap will likely show more and more in the coming years if they stay together, and if they have children, he’ll be parenting teens in his 70s.

If you are close, I’d just be honest with her about your concerns and let her know that you’re there for her. She’s in her 30s though so I don’t think you can do anything else.

He'd be 97!!!

MN is so weird about these awful age gap relationships and always gaslight people into thinking they are completely normal.

OP I think you might have put people’s backs up with the Oxbridge thing but I totally get why you’re worried.
Have a chat to her. Don’t make it personal about him but more about how the age gap will work out as she gets older.

Help her by minding your own business, but being there if she needs you. Sorted.

I find it really odd you mention what school and uni she went to when she’s 32 and like they make her more attractive?

I had a friend who was still running his own detached house on his own at aged 100! He did manage to keep the house in good condition too

How dare you say my 28-year relationship is "one of those awful age gap relationships". To say that is despicable.

I take it that at the age of 32 she's actually left Grammar School ?

Like I said I apologise re sharing her background if it made me sound elitist or whatever. My only point is that she really has SO much going for her. She even modelled as a teen. She really is not limited when it comes to options!

So why can’t you accept the choice she has made? Why do you think she needs help?

shes been in a bad place ever since her engagement ended. All of a sudden she’s back in a relationship with a 57 yo. Never once dated anyone older. It can’t be a coincidence she has made this anomalous decision now her confidence is shot.

No denying he has taken care of himself so is in good shape, dresses nicely etc. but sister can do better than an old bloke. Sorry if that offends but it’s true. He will 67 in ten years when sister is only 42! Fgs…

What is he like as a person? Kind? Charismatic? Fun? Loyal? Stable? You’ve said he’s financially secure.

She's a grown woman but the gap is quite big. If I were ye, I would keep an eye in case he's up to something. Ask lots of questions about his situation and future plans and find out more about him

Mind your own business and concentrate on your own life

I too find the mention of your sister's education a bit jarring. She's 32 and to mention grammar school feels infantilising. Do you think this is an indicator of the dynamic in your family? Also, everything else you've said about both of them is relating to the way they look - she modelled as a teen, she looked unwell because she was too thin, he keeps himself looking good and dresses nicely... What about their values, sense of humour, hobbies, taste in music, aspirations? Do they treat each other with kindness and respect? Enjoy visiting the same places, watching the same films? Do their politics align? Surely these are the things that actually matter.

Well she knows how old he is so she knows the risks involved?!

As others have said, what on earth has it got to do with you?! She's a 30-something woman, not a teenager FFS!

And went to an ex poly

Maybe after a bad relationship with someone her own age or close to it, she’s decided an older man could offer her more happiness.

Let her live her life the way she wants to.

No point acting with faux surprise or offence as per other posters. An age gap such as this is, typically, not a good thing. Why isn’t he getting a woman his own age? Probably misogyny. She’s clearly in a bad place.

there isn’t much you can do and anything that you do attempt is likely to push her away. Just speak to her about the relationship and if you can, add a few realistic notions but probably just make sure she knows you’re there for her.

IMO, wanting to have children is the main drawback to this age gap, because even if they conceived tomorrow, he’d be 58 when the baby is born. Whatever anyone says, having a teenager in your 70’s will be hard unless they’re wealthy enough to not need two incomes. Which they might be. 🤷

Hopefully he’s loaded. Your sister is also doing well. She could regret it in 20yrs when he needs her as his carer, but if she loves him it won’t be an issue. Let them get on with it!

This.
Mention it, once, if she announces an engagement.
Otherwise, bite your tongue.

He’s comfortable. Not mega rich. Owns a dental practice.

You lost any sympathy I might have had by calling a 57 year old "an old bloke" (I am 56) also by, helpfully pointing out that, in 10years, he will be 67 😂.