AIBU and expecting too much? Is this just married life?

[Stepz]

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years. DD is 2. He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

You say you’ve never spent a night apart but it actually sounds the opposite, you never spend an evening together!

like I said re read posts !
It was you who didn’t get what was said !

Absolutely this...

He is just shit!!

Leave home and find a life worth living

• OP posts about her husband’s behaviour
• I say some men marry women they don’t like
• You say that doesn’t make sense
• I explain my opinion
• You say I need to reread posts as that’s not what’s being discussed

Mumsnet in a nutshell 😂😂 I’m not replying to you any further as the OP posted to get some advice, not have obtuse people derail it to make it about themselves.

He’s a disgusting, selfish prick and an absolute waste of space. Do yourself and your child a favour and kick him out. You are wasting your life on this loser-he won’t change.

It's not normal after 20 years either.

That's also not normal after 20 years. I'm of an age where I and most of my friends are in relationships around the 20ish years mark and none of us have partners who are off doing their hobby until 9-10pm every night and/or refusing ever to do anything as a couple. Except for one - who is currently in the process of divorcing for that very reason.

This is so depressing to read, especially for someone as young as you are. I also have a partner of 9 years with a lot of hobbies but he chooses to put me, the dogs and anything house or family related first.

There have inevitably been times in the past where the balance hasn’t been quite right and I’ve felt a bit neglected (e.g. lack of date nights or feeling like hobbies were being prioritised), but we talk it through and he makes a conscious effort to address it because he wants me to be happy and he loves me. Just like vice versa where he hasn’t had enough time to focus on his hobbies, so I’ve made changes to accommodate because I want him to be happy.

I do think things naturally became a bit more “roommate-ish” as a relationship goes on. But not to this extent. And it’s unacceptable that he’s never there for bedtime. It’s his child too. Guessing this means he also never makes dinner? He can’t just be a parent at the weekends.

I’m not necessarily saying this is the right approach, but if it was me I would just give him a taste of his own medicine, especially if you’ve tried talking and got nowhere. Have your own hobbies twice a week so he has to be home and do dinner and bedtime, go off and do something else in the evening whilst he games, don’t ask to spend time with him or try and organise things to do together. If you have enough rooms, sleep separately (it’s completely absurd and selfish of him that you have to sleep with headphones because of his gaming). Disengage, focus on yourself and what makes you happy, and see if he notices. If he doesn’t, then he’s clearly content leading separate lives and you should divorce.

Also, next time he says “we have the rest of our lives together, what’s the rush” tell him you won’t have the rest of your lives together at this rate because why would you stay with someone who gives you so little and puts you last?

And in case it wasn’t obvious: you deserve so much better!

He's a good dad? How? 🤔
Because he still lives at home part time (rest of the time he's either working or mentoring with boxing?). 🤔
Or is he a good dad, because he takes his daughter with him, so she can watch him as he actively does his hobby? not even her hobby or softplay or anything, BUT HIS HOBBY?! No OP, he is not a good dad by any stretch. 👎

NO. HE IS A SELFISH SELF-ABSORBED CUNT. 😠 😡 😤
No chance I would stay married to this selfish prick. He is using you and your daughter like some fucking accessory, while still having all his free time to pursue his hobbies like he is still single and a teenager (xbox and shit hygiene are not swooning material). 🤢

A family man is hands on and sacrifices his time for his family.
He needs to be cooking dinner 3 times per week, and doing bath, book, bed duties with his own daughter, and mentoring her instead of other peoples children... and thats for starters!
He either grows up or fucks off. The cheeky twat. 🖕
That decision is yours to make.