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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and expecting too much? Is this just married life?

209 replies

Stepz · 12/10/2025 15:42

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years. DD is 2. He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

OP posts:
Southshore18 · 12/10/2025 16:58

I think there is also the huge imbalance of 'me - time' in your marriage. He has Mon-Fri by himself whilst you in effect solo parents. Where is your breather in this? Weekend doesn't sound much like one.

I would absolutely insist that hobbies are cut to 2x per week. I think this is generous. I would also question the fact that he is happy to not see his DD all week. Do you think another woman could be on the scene. It just sounds excessive given that he has a young family.

Southshore18 · 12/10/2025 16:59

Stepz · 12/10/2025 16:46

No, we don’t have sex every night. Usually he plays on his Xbox until he falls asleep. I have to sleep with headphones on.

I'd chuck the Xbox out of the bedroom! this is ridiculous.

FuzzyWolf · 12/10/2025 17:00

He’s sounds very selfish and no, that’s not a normal marriage.

thisishowloween · 12/10/2025 17:03

He sounds like he can't be arsed with married life and wants to be single again.

What exactly is the point of him?

PumpkinSparkleFairy · 12/10/2025 17:04

Wouldn’t work for me at all, I’m afraid.

MoominMai · 12/10/2025 17:04

Stepz · 12/10/2025 16:46

No, we don’t have sex every night. Usually he plays on his Xbox until he falls asleep. I have to sleep with headphones on.

Oh wow 😳. You have to sleep with headphones on just so he can continue playing his video games even after bedtime is just another level of selfishness. I made a long rant not so long ago how there’s a certain type of manchild desperate to have a family and kids but then once he has them regresses into a single man’s lifestyle almost where he prioritises himself and justifies it all because he works FT.

PS not sure why you described yourself as neurotic as you’re definitely not that. Your post is almost apologetic in tone. I hope you’re able to get the support you need.

isitmyturn · 12/10/2025 17:05

He has an Xbox in the bedroom! I wouldn't even allow my kids to do that when they were teenagers.
It's the lifestyle and behaviour of a teenager. Are you both very young?

Southshore18 · 12/10/2025 17:05

and no, this is not a marriage. He behaves like someone single and no DC. He doesn't want to spend time with you, not DC. He plays on the Xbox in the bedroom and you have to sleep with headphones on? he lets you solo parent your DD

Is there anything you get out of this relationship? he sounds incredibly immature. I wouldn't put up with that.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 12/10/2025 17:06

I find sitting on the sofa as a couple very boring, we rarely sit together in the evenings, he needs to reduce his gaming nights down to two again, you could also start a hobby, something for you.
No gaming in the bedroom.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/10/2025 17:08

You are expecting too little.

PrincessofWells · 12/10/2025 17:09

Honestly op this sounds terribly lonely. In your position, I'd be building some resilience into my life by developing my own friendships, hobbies and interests away from the relationship. At least by doing this you'll be ready when it pisses you off so much, you separate.

MaurineWayBack · 12/10/2025 17:14

EmeraldShamrock000 · 12/10/2025 17:06

I find sitting on the sofa as a couple very boring, we rarely sit together in the evenings, he needs to reduce his gaming nights down to two again, you could also start a hobby, something for you.
No gaming in the bedroom.

Edited

But that’s not what the OP wants.

shed like her dh to spend time with HER. Watching a film is one of many possibilities. Him (or you) not enjoying being sat down on the sofa doesn’t mean the answer is for the OP to find a hobby for herself (when he isn’t at home most of the week anyway?). It’s to find something they enjoy doing together at home.
But he doesn’t seem to be keen on that altogether 😢😢

Fabulously · 12/10/2025 17:14

You sound like your entire social circle is him. Do you have friends and hobbies of your own? He can’t be your entire social system just because you’re married, he needs time away from you & vice versa.

Luckyingame · 12/10/2025 17:20

Southshore18 · 12/10/2025 16:58

I think there is also the huge imbalance of 'me - time' in your marriage. He has Mon-Fri by himself whilst you in effect solo parents. Where is your breather in this? Weekend doesn't sound much like one.

I would absolutely insist that hobbies are cut to 2x per week. I think this is generous. I would also question the fact that he is happy to not see his DD all week. Do you think another woman could be on the scene. It just sounds excessive given that he has a young family.

You are right, however, with these types, more you "absolutely insist", more they detach.
Yes, it's sad and anger inducing.

Sarah2891 · 12/10/2025 17:21

How old is he? He sounds like a teenager. You don't have to accept this.

Hankunamatata · 12/10/2025 17:22

I dont think its fair he gets 5 nights a week doing hobbies and avoiding bedtime with dd.
Id say 3 max
What about when dd has her own hobbies? Me and dh constantly running about during the week with our kids different hobbies and sports

Pineapplewaves · 12/10/2025 17:24

Your DH should cut his hobbies down to 2 nights per week. You should have 2 nights a week where you get to do what you want while DH looks after DD, if he wants to game he can do that on those two nights when DD is asleep. One night during the week should be date night - sit down and have a meal together, share a bottle of wine/beer and talk to each other, get a babysitter and go out somewhere. Weekends should be family time in the daytime when DD is awake. One night of the weekend should be date night.

user098786533 · 12/10/2025 17:24

Stepz · 12/10/2025 16:46

No, we don’t have sex every night. Usually he plays on his Xbox until he falls asleep. I have to sleep with headphones on.

Wow that sounds fun. Definitely do this for the rest of your life.

Parker231 · 12/10/2025 17:27

Get the X box out of the bedroom. Have a date night every week -we used two of the nursery staff as our regular babysitters.
When do you go out with friends as a couple or on your own? When are you nights for hobbies?

MummyJ36 · 12/10/2025 17:29

Honestly gaming is such an “ick” hobby when you’ve got young kids…

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/10/2025 17:34

"We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point."

"Usually he plays on his Xbox until he falls asleep. I have to sleep with headphones on."

Jesus weptSad. He is completely disengaged from being a father and husband. You frankly sound more like his housekeeper - although a housekeeper would at least get her own room, not have to put headphones on to get to sleep whilst he Xbox's in your bedroom.

So he stays out of the house until 9pm, eats with you, then goes to bed where he plays on a XBox until he falls asleep. At no point is he emotionally available to you, his wife. You are just 'there' in his background, feeding him and caring for his child whilst he is - elsewhere (even when physically present).

This is not a marriage. It's not even a relationship. It's just him living like a single man whilst you and your joint child are largely ignored by him. It's a lonely and depressing life for you, and as soon as your daughter is old enough to realise (and she's very close to that point at 2yo) it will be quite damaging for her to realise she means so little to her father.

For starters, I'd be telling him he either engages with his daughter or he fucks off. He stops prioritising his hobbies over his daughter and he makes himself present in her life before she goes to sleep each night. He does this by coming home after work and participating in her meal and bed times. Once she's asleep he can fuck off and do his hobbies, but from now on he prioritises the living breathing human child who can be fucked up by parental indifference.

As to your marriage - I'd be telling him it's on probation. He either shapes up or ships out, but you are his wife not his housekeeper and you demand a bit of fucking respect from your husband, and he can start to show that respect by getting his XBox out of the bedroom and letting you sleep without having to put headphones on to block out his noise. Today, or you'll take a hammer to said XBox.

He needs shocked into reality.

What was he like before marriage, before fatherhood?

Southshore18 · 12/10/2025 17:37

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/10/2025 17:34

"We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point."

"Usually he plays on his Xbox until he falls asleep. I have to sleep with headphones on."

Jesus weptSad. He is completely disengaged from being a father and husband. You frankly sound more like his housekeeper - although a housekeeper would at least get her own room, not have to put headphones on to get to sleep whilst he Xbox's in your bedroom.

So he stays out of the house until 9pm, eats with you, then goes to bed where he plays on a XBox until he falls asleep. At no point is he emotionally available to you, his wife. You are just 'there' in his background, feeding him and caring for his child whilst he is - elsewhere (even when physically present).

This is not a marriage. It's not even a relationship. It's just him living like a single man whilst you and your joint child are largely ignored by him. It's a lonely and depressing life for you, and as soon as your daughter is old enough to realise (and she's very close to that point at 2yo) it will be quite damaging for her to realise she means so little to her father.

For starters, I'd be telling him he either engages with his daughter or he fucks off. He stops prioritising his hobbies over his daughter and he makes himself present in her life before she goes to sleep each night. He does this by coming home after work and participating in her meal and bed times. Once she's asleep he can fuck off and do his hobbies, but from now on he prioritises the living breathing human child who can be fucked up by parental indifference.

As to your marriage - I'd be telling him it's on probation. He either shapes up or ships out, but you are his wife not his housekeeper and you demand a bit of fucking respect from your husband, and he can start to show that respect by getting his XBox out of the bedroom and letting you sleep without having to put headphones on to block out his noise. Today, or you'll take a hammer to said XBox.

He needs shocked into reality.

What was he like before marriage, before fatherhood?

Agree, I recon they eat what OP cooked. By the sound of it, OP is running the household too (cleaning, laundry etc since DH is never at home in the week). Tbh, she sounds more like his mum than his wife 😟

CrystalShoe · 12/10/2025 17:40

I was married to a man like this, much more into himself and his own life than any shared life with me. People like this are self-centred and selfish.

Crushed23 · 12/10/2025 17:46

Stepz · 12/10/2025 16:08

When I say together I meant married. We’ve been in a relationship for 5 years

Fair enough, you must have been together at least 2 years when you got pregnant. Did you plan to have a baby with this man? What was he like before you got pregnant?

Agree with others, he’s acting like he’s still single. A hobby 5 nights a week while you’re left to put the baby to sleep by yourself is outrageous. And I usually defend parents trying to maintain aspects of their pre-baby lifestyle.

Linenpickle · 12/10/2025 17:48

He needs to grow up. No more Xbox in the bedroom as you shouldn’t need headphones to sleep when you’ve got a toddler. What a shit partner and father.

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