AIBU and expecting too much? Is this just married life?

[Stepz]

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years. DD is 2. He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

He is what they call: a bit of a lad. A man not matured enough to know what marriage with kids is

He doesn't seem to even like you....

I pointed out life had changed now he was a husband and a father, that he was spending very little time with us, that I would compromise but not continue. He realised he’d been selfish, that he was missing out and stopped.

Spot on .

Married only 3 years?

No, I wouldn’t say this is normal. I think it is healthy for each person to have a hobbie, a sense of self and not be 100% dependent on the other person, but he’s taking it to the extreme.

Why don’t you start weekly traditions? Eg, every other Friday night you watch a film together, or play a sport together, or cook something together.

He needs to realise he’s not single and he needs to be less selfish.

You have a raw deal from dh. He puts his hobbies above you. Where is your free time to do something for yourself?. He also needs to understand you need quality time together

You barely see him if he’s at work all day and then at his hobby every evening.

He's living the life of a single man, not someone with a wife and child.

OMG are you serious!!! Why do women allow themselves to be treated this way! I would down tools i wouldnt do.his washing or cook for him infact i wouldnt do anything for him, yoi lie next to.him every night with headphones and you dont eat till 9pm are you mad!! Hes avoiding and i think its you hes avoiding

Op, why don't you arrange to go out one night a week. That would at least mean he spends time with his child. And then arrange a regular night at home - friends over,, takeaway or cook together - you do starters and dessert, he cooks main. Or arrange a babysitter and go out. Don't ask, tell him. Give him 2 weeks notice.

Why doesn't he wear headphones instead? Does he deal with the DC if they wake up if you can't hear because of your headphones? Either way, YANBU and you are not expecting too much!

I’ve been with my husband for 35 years. We both work full time and always have, although retirement is gleefully looming.

We have separate hobbies. DH has an allotment and we have a huge garden that he maintains, he woodworks, is passionate about music and follows fantasy football. I paint, make glass beads and other things and as such, we basically do things for pleasure apart, we’re just different people with different interests.

Having said all that, we do find time to spend together, at least an hour or two a day, depending upon other commitments. It’s really important, I think, to stop a marriage becoming stale and becoming ships in the night. We spend evenings eating, watching a film, or talking and listening to music and get quality time together. Without that… I doubt we would still be together, and happy, after all these years.

It sounds awful OP.

What are these "hobbies" that he has to spend 5 nights a week at them.

And when is your time for hobbies/just general down time.

As a PP said, child free time needs to be equal.

I would get a weekly planner and (if I was feeling generous) ask him to select the two nights a week he would like for hobbies/socialising/free time. Then you pick two for you. The other three are spent as a family.

Also agree that regular date nights would be a good idea. Those don't always have to be out of the house, but they should be as often as you can afford and are happy to have a babysitter.

For some people this is normal married life, because they are married to selfish arseholes. I've been married for well over a decade and this isn't normal to me. My DH actually wants to spend time with me, does equal childcare and doesn't spend tons of time on hobbies or gaming. It doesn't have to be what your life is like either.

If this is after 2 years it really doesn't bode well

He’s not ‘laid back and chilled.’
He’s abhorrently selfish, lazy, sexist and utterly awful.
im not sure what you’re gaining by pretending this is a relationship in any way.

i can’t see what value he is bringing to yours or your child’s life.

Honestly OP, none of what you describe is normal family life.

I couldn’t live like this. Gaming every night? How old is he? The saddest thing is that he’s not putting his child to bed all week. He clearly doesn’t want to spend time with you both ☹️

No, this isn't 'just married life'.

Why isn't he parenting his child?

Why don't you get any time to do hobbies or relax as you want to ?

Why don't you eat together as a family / eat at a normal time?

Why should you be wearing headphones to go to sleep ?

Such a relatively short time into your relationship, why doesn't he ever want to spend time together ?

Why doesn't he want to spend time with your dc? Bathing her, putting her to bed, reading her story ?

It's not a million miles from my marriage, even the time line is similar, together 3 years, DD is 2.

However DH and I play a board game together once a week, watch films and tv shows together and our individual hobbies take us each out separately once a week. We commit to spend the other nights together, even if we are just staying in and binging Bridge of Lies!

When we can get a babysitter, we go for a bike ride together or a meal. We also have family days at weekends with DD, thus weekend was a castle.

I don't have to beg him to spend time together.

You need to insist on it, but you may be on to a losing battle.

Sounds like he is one of those who likes the idea of a partner/marriage and children but wants to carry on living the single, carefree life and sadly he is using you to enable it.

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

He doesn't bother to come home and send time with his child before they go to bed, great.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

What a waste of a life for you. He doesn't want to interact with either you or your child, X Box gaming is far more appealing.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

Doesn't want to be with you doing anything, you should both be grabbing any opportunity to do things whilst you are young.

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

He doesn't want to send more time with you or his child that is the cold, hard truth.

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I am sure your dd is loving being there watching her dad (sarcasm). As to where he is now and the reason he has gone incommunicado I have no idea.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

He doesn't, he is not interested in being in your company or doing anything with you. Hobbies and gaming are far more interesting and worthy in his opinion than you or your child.

You might as well be living alone with your child.

This. Tell him it’s not acceptable. Tell him to man up and act like an adult, parent and partner.
Tell him if he co to he’s to act likes he’s single then he can fuck off and be single.

That’s awful!
This all sounds so lonely. It has to change!

That’s not a healthy loving relationship. He’s prioritising living his single life over being an attentive husband and father.

He’s treating you as his child’s nanny and general housekeeper, not a life partner!

You don’t have to put up with this if it makes you unhappy.

You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation and tell him straight that you’re not prepared to carry on like this any longer. He has the opportunity to change and if he’s not willing to prioritise you and his child over his selfish single lifestyle, then the relationship is over and he needs to move out.

You've only been together 3 years and this is your life...? 😕

My DH was a little like this, I would be with DD all evening in a different room while he was gaming in another. I gave him an ultimatum, and he started to spend some evenings with me. We now spend most evenings together.

He's selfish and you're not compatible. Sad as it is, if he's not going to change you need to decide if it's something you can deal with. If not you need to leave