AIBU and expecting too much? Is this just married life?

[Stepz]

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years. DD is 2. He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

Oh op, I'm sorry this doesnt sound fun for you, and his lack moo hygiene is off putting. If you want to stay with him you need to read him the riot act because if I was you I'd be planning my exit. Dh is a gym bunny and a massive pc gamer, but he is a lot more checked in than yours seems to be.

Dh and I have been together for 13 years, we have 2 children and we both work full time and I've just started an ou degree our weeks look like this:

Mornings we get up, depending on the day either I get both children ready or we do one each, I take the youngest to childcare and dh either takes eldest to school or grandparents for school run and goes to work.

After work I go to the gym 3 days a week and run an after school club 1 day. Dh goes gym most evenings. I get youngest from nursery or pick boys up from grandparents and we are home for 6ish and make dinner (if they haven't eaten woth grandparents) dh gets home 7/7.30 we take it in turns putting a child to bed. I'll cook dinner for us we eat and chat, he'll then get under my feet cleaning the kitchen while I make lunches for the next day. He then games and I study until we go to bed.

Weekends: we do a parkrun every Saturday with his mum and the children, my parents and his dad come to watch, sometimes play in the park with the youngest or I'll have them in a carrier or my back. We then go home, if we can be bothered go and do a food shop, if not just do some house work and just mess about with the children. Spend some time with my parents. Sundays is usually a trip to the skate park with the children as eldest is learning to skate and scooter. Youngest and I run around in the park. We go to the either set of parents at lunchtime, either stay there til nearly bedtime and chat or we leave the children with their grandparents for a few hours and go do a food shop and a gym session. I also do about 6 hours of study over the 2 days, usually during youngests naptime. Dh will game or entertain the eldest in this time.

We dont spend loads of time together just us, but theres a lot of family time. When dh and I first got together he went to the gym 6 days a week for 3+ hours a time, my sessions were 45 mins-hour max and we had a huge chat about how much time was realistic once children came along because I saw the future of me basically single parenting if we continued. I still carry a lot of the parenting mental load, but I work term time, so have that flexibility during the school holidays.

He doesn't seem to contribute anything to the relationship or add anything to your life or the family. I wonder why you put up with it and why you're still with him.

Have I read this right? He’s playing Xbox in bed? For that alone I would be reading him the riot act let alone the poor hygiene thing. I’ve been with DH for over 30 years - we’ve never had a tv in our bedroom. We don’t even have our phones in our bedroom. Just bed, radio and books.

Wow…just no.
is he 17 years old?! I’m amazed you’ve put up with it this long to be honest. He’s the definition of a manchild. You need to put your foot down and establish some non negotiables.
Hobbies 2 nights max. Home for 8pm, no gaming in bed…come on your standards must be higher than this?!

Can I ask @Stepz - was he like this before you got married? You say you’ve been together 5 years and married for 3? Did he suddenly turn this way after marriage or after DC was born? Or has he always been this was and you expected marriage to change that?

I’ll be honest, the XBox all night and you having to wear headphones to bed was enough for me to think he’s an arsehole - but the not showering or brushing teeth has taken it to a whole new level.
He sounds like an absolute selfish twat, but I’m sorry - you are enabling him. It’s your home too - why is he playing Xbox in bed at all hours while you wear headphones to sleep? I’d have told mine that was absolutely not on. If he wants to do that then it’s at least in a separate room so you can sleep in peace.

Why on earth do you want to live like that or put up with that level of disregard for you?

In answer to your question in the opening post NO this is NOT just what married life is, as you say you are nothing more than room mates.

You deserve better and are worth more than this @Stepz end it and go and get a better life.

What's the betting it's long distance running or cycling that takes him away for a whole day at the weekend.

Is this a real post? He sounds like a teenage boy. What do you mean her does not brush his teeth? He has no regard for you or your child. What difference would it make to your life if he officially dropped out of it?

poor you and your poor daughter, both of you have no quality time with this man who acts like a lodger, not a husband and father.

Find a hobby that you can do in the evening or some evening exercise

He stays in with child

I’d guess he’s smoking weed, not just cigarettes. Poor hygiene , eating dinner in bed, gaming in bed… Grim. Was he always like this @Stepz ?

My DH used to play computer games a lot, but not at the expense of time with me and also not in our bedroom while I was trying to sleep! However, as we got older, he spent less time gaming, and he agreed that once we had DC, gaming would not be a priority (and he has stuck to this!).

How old are you both?

Whenever I say anything like “we don’t do anything” - he says it’s because I never ask. I can’t remember the last time we had a date night. Largely because he spends all his money on gaming or his hobby.

He wasn’t always like this but has been on and off since I knew him.

I mentioned to him last year that we were having sex less often than we usually did/id like and he said “well why’s it always on me to initiate sex? I can’t remember the last time you were seductive.”

That was horrendous. Even now he’ll tire himself out with gaming or boxing and then will not initiate anything. I’ve stopped bothering.

I’ve tried, but as others have said, I can’t force him to spend time with me. I can’t force him to brush his teeth, shower, have sex or organise dates.

Sex is always on his terms. Usually a quickie in the morning.

I’m fed up. I’m 28. I try hard to stay in shape, look nice. I lost all the baby weight very soon after birth and was back in size 8 clothes. I spend time on my appearance, get my hair done, skin care. I just don’t walk around in lingerie, mainly because he’s always on his fucking Xbox. He makes me feel so unattractive.

I do love him. He’s a good dad. But he makes me so frustrated. I even start to question whether I’m being unfair to him because he works and then does a hobby - is that really so bad? But to me, it feels like an order of

1. boxing
2. gaming
3. dd
4. me

(of course, DD should be above me! But she should be 1 and me 2)

If I were you I’d be desperate to spend a night apart from him.

A smoking gamer with poor personal hygiene? What a catch.

You don't need to tell us any more about him OP, we get it. He doesn't really like you or want to spend time with you or his child.

But what are you going to do about it?

I’m not sure what you want people to say op.

your husband is a complete loser. He isn’t going to change.

recognise that, then work out how to get the best life for you and your dd from this point forwards.

continuing like this will be utterly miserable, get worse and worse, and worst of all disastrous for your own dd leaving her clueless as to what a proper decent marriage is. You run the risk of her meeting a revolting bloke like your husband, and having to ask strangers if it’s normal to not be remotely involved in your child and wife’s life.

so how to get the best life.

your best option if it’s available to you, is to divorce.

if it’s not available to you, then check out emotionally of this relationship, take equal time for yourself, do nothing for him in terms of cooking etc

‘He’s a good dad.’

this is exactly what I mean will happen to your dd. I read your post after I posted mine.

he is not a good dad. He is a shit dad who is never there and treats his wife like a servant.

what was your upbringing like op? What qualities are you thinking make him a good dad?

He’s not a ‘good dad’. He’s a shit dad, a shit husband and a complete loser. Kick him out.

It sounds like you are basically a single parent to be honest. You're too young to settle for this life in my opinion.

I would not stay with someone who had poor hygiene, played Xbox in bed whilst I was trying to sleep next to them, and did everything they could to spend time away from me and our child.
I would get things in order so I could leave with my child. This is no life for either of you and I am pretty sure you will be so much happier without him.

* I even start to question whether I’m being unfair to him because he works and then does a hobby - is that really so bad? ‘*

it seems op that you have absolutely no clue that a decent marriage is one where both the man and woman see themselves as equals. Perhaps you were never modelled a decent marriage when you were younger.

you are second guessing yourself that he’s not that bad above. Ok. Let’s break this down. What would happen if you behaved exactly the same way he does. So. You go to work, straight from work to a hobby, home at 10, eating a dinner that’s cooked for you, you then ignore the person that has facilitated your previous 4 hours of fun, to smoke for an hour, then selfishly game in bed keeping the other person awake. In the morning you fancy a shag so you do that with rotting teeth and stinky unshowered body with no thought to what your partner wants. What would his response be op if you behaved like that? What would your house look like? Who is looking after your dd?

yes op, it is really really bad.

OP, you are 28. You've been with him since you were early 20s and you could live another 60 years!

Why have you not thrown the Xbox out the bedroom, at least (I'm fully on team ltb with this one but baby steps). He's living like he's in a flat share with no responsibilities. Gaming while you try to sleep is rude and selfish. Eating dinner in bed is rude and selfish. Staying out 5 nights a week is rude and selfish.

He is not a good dad, he might as well not live there and he'd probably see DD more often with a contact agreement! Good dads don't treat the mother of their children like shit.

Want more for yourself than this immature waste of space.

How do you mean “ we get it , he doesn’t really like you “ ? You don’t sound at all nice or helpful..
It’s irrelevant who this guy is with , he will be the very same person , this is who he is , it’s not like if he were with someone else he would be different..
It’s zero reflection on OP , she’s far, far too good for him !

I think he would be different with someone else. Someone he really likes and is motivated to spend time with.

You say "I do love him", can I ask why?

Because I'm genuinely not seeing what's in it for you.