AIBU and expecting too much? Is this just married life?

[Stepz]

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years. DD is 2. He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

This is normal after 20 years not 2

Good point

My xh was an ex amateur boxer turned coach.... it's relentless isn't it?! It's a real all or nothing sport. Except for me, once it was nothing he switched focus onto another sport and met ow. Hence the ex bit.

This is not normal, but I'm probably the wrong person to give you advice. But I do really feel for you... and it's not right or normal, and you are most definitely not expecting too much.

I think it must be desperation. Or just wanting somebody to take care of them (and women tend to play the caretaker role in relationships).

So if they cannot get a woman they actively want - they settle for what they can get.

Well getting back to this thread , I think OP settled for whatever reason , she sounds fit , attractive, good mom , a goer , up & in gym at 6am , out the door to work , home in eve to her daughter , dinner what have you ..
She married a guy who never sees his daughter in the eve , is unhygienic, games & eats his dinner in bed 🤮 ..

With regard to what you said above , I think lots of people, men & women settle for whatever reason ..
I’d rather be single than ever ever settle 🤷🏻‍♀️

Absolutely this...

He is just shit!!

Leave home and find a life worth living

You can't change him. And shouldn't try. He is what he is. And he won't change unless he wants to. But you don't have to live this way

I'd suggest telling him you're unhappy and you're starting to wonder if you are well suited after all, and wondering if you'd be better off separately. If he wants to keep you, he'll up his game

But this only works if you mean it

I agree.

My ex married his OW who was as dumb as a box of rocks, but she waits on him hand and foot, and puts up with his complaining and moods.

I know this because she is always complaining on FB about him complaining.😆

He's neither a good dad or husband as he's never really "there"
Read all your posts back to yourself

When do YOU get time do do YOUR hobbies?

When does HE put DD to bed and do general life stuff like stacking the dishwasher?

You know he's very likely to end up with CTE from boxing? Are you ready for a caretaker role much sooner than you would expect of a man with a different hobby that doesn't involve lots of head blows and concussions? That for me would be a relationship ender.

The lack of hygiene in showering and brushing his teeth (yech) would be a physical turnoff. Another relationship ender. He can't be bothered to clean his body and mouth when he's around you, he doesn't care because you've settled for an unclean man.

He doesn't enjoy spending time with you. He'd rather be gaming. You've settled for a man who doesn't want to or enjoy spending time with you.

He sounds like a guy who wants the benefits of having a wife do the housework and childcare and sex without bothering to contribute anything.

This is what a shitty marriage that you've put the bar way too low looks like. It's ok to not want a relationshit where you've got a dirty man who won't even spend time with you or contribute to the home and family life. If he's out 5 nights a week, then gaming, his own kid barely sees him.

You can't change him. You can only change yourself.

When your daughter is in her 20s would you want better for her? If she had a boyfriend who didn't shower brush teeth or go on any dates or spend time with her how would you feel?

He is taking you for granted! Needs to be shocked out of it!

Loving someone isn’t enough. Why do you love him? What makes him a good dad? I’ve not read everything but he doesn’t sound like it. The relationship sounds awful tbh. He sounds like he’s checked out and doesn’t care about you. Also not brushing teeth, not showering etc is gross. You deserve so much better. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.

No, this sounds rubbish! My DH likes gaming - I don't get it really, but he will play in the day time, on his days off. Our kids (mine from previous marriage) have left home, so when he is off, it really is only himself he needs to think about. But at 6pm, we make dinner, and then sit together all night. We will watch films, or a series of something, drink wine, watch You tube videos of hotels we have booked for holidays, or put music on and chat. We usually go to bed at 11pm, so that's 5 hours every day, dedicated to doing something together. Been together 17 years.

❤️

Nope , its never normal to eat your dinner in bed , not brush your teeth or shower ..

Agreed - I will take Spinsterhood 5 lifetimes over, over an unhygienic man. I never get how people can stomach an unhygienic spouse!

Not that bit. Spending 99% of the day apart

I think they find women attractive, useful for sorting their lives out and for things like affection, being cared for, etc but in terms of actually wanting to spend time with them, not so much. Although it’s a cliche, it’s very true that people need to marry their best friend.

Even after 20 years that’s sad isn’t it 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not that hard to understand; obviously they’re not consciously saying ‘I hate you, let’s get married!’🙄 They think other feelings like sexual attraction, along with liking what the woman does for them, equates to them actually liking the woman as a person when they don’t. They probably don’t even realise it at the start as it’s all sexy and fun but when the sometimes monotonous and mundane routine of married life kicks in, they find out they don’t really like their wives’ company, so they avoid it.

His priority is very much his hobbies.

That’s actually not what was being said !
Re read posts !

I don’t need to reread anything; if you don’t understand something and someone explains it to you, say thanks and keep it moving.