AIBU and expecting too much? Is this just married life?

[Stepz]

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years. DD is 2. He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

And, appreciate I'm adding here, but the only time anyone would get a pass from me for not keeping up with personal hygiene is if they were struggling from depression, which I don't think he is. He just doesn't give a fuck.

I’m sorry OP & i’m saying this really kindly , he’s not a good dad or husband to you ..
Not coming home in the evening choosing to go to his hobby 5 days a week , His whole hygiene thing is disgusting, eating his dinner in bed , gaming like a teenager…
You on the other hand sound 👌..
You’re a good mom , up & in gym at 6 am , out the door to work then , home to your daughter & dinner time , putting her to bed , you look after yourself as you’ve said ..
You’re way too good for him OP …
And trust me it’s not you , you have to know this ..
He will be like this with no matter who he is with , this is him I’m afraid ..
Please stop selling yourself short ..
You’re still lovely & young to find someone you are matched too ❤️

He's not doing right by your daughter, and if Yr doing all childcare and working you'd find life much easier and could do what u want in a evening on your own, it took me till I left my ex partner for him to do good by our child suddenly he had to be daddy all evening and weekend once a per two weeks and I got to goout and have my own life also xx if u a lone parent u will get childcare and uc top up get out now

Is it normal? Well it doesn't matter, it's not working for you. DH and I have hobbies and don't see each other in the evening at least four days a week but it's equal and works for us. But if it was only him going out to hobbies every night whilst I was stuck at home, I wouldn't be happy at all. I know someone who divorced her DH because he did similar when they had a newborn.

It sounds like you need a hobby/evening off a week, plus clear conversation about the lack of quality time. And what exactly counts as quality time. Could you manage a date night once a week? Or find a hobby together?

Incidentally, friend who divorced was quite highly strung and her DH was laid back too. This ended up with her not trusting her DH to parent because he didn't do it exactly her way, and that also caused a lot of problems. He didn't want to do anything proactive because she'd criticise him or swoop in. It may not be the case for you but maybe worth watching out for?

I find it strange that you even want to have sex with him. Have a word with yourself. He’s no catch.

Headphones wow, you need to go out every other evening, he needsvto be a parent!!! Come on . . .

I’m so sorry to say this but you really would be better off without him. Aside from your relationship does he not want to spend any time with his child?? Bath time, bedtime, playing? Sharing a meal or tv?

And the low hygiene and gaming all the time would be a dealbreaker. Does he help with housework, cooking, shopping, DIY?

I think you need to start planning quite a few evenings out and see if he steps up.

In what way is he a good father? Raise your standards!

You give me the ick & I’m sure all the other posters on here aswel 🤮..

He doesn’t brush his teeth & has bad personal hygiene, that’s nothing got to do with anyone other than himself !!
He has a daughter that he never comes home to in the evening …
He smokes outside for an hour every evening…

Or is that you’re jealous for some insane reason of OP , a good mom , up & in gym every morning for 6am , who is a slim size 8 , looks after herself …
A catch by all accounts to good, decent attractive men …

I doubt he was like this when they were dating or OP would not have married him. He can step up when he wants to. He just doesn't want to. For whatever reason, he doesn't think OP is worth it. He shrugs off her concerns. He really, really doesn't care about her. If he liked her he would make the effort to spend time with her.

@Stepz you don't love him. You love what you want him to be. And he is a shit dad.

You can't change him. He does what he wants when he wants, takes you for granted and is happy with the status quo.

He doesn't value you. I would work out an escape plan and stop doing things for him.

He won't improve.

On top of everything else, who does all the cooking, cleaning and life admin?

He's not really much of a dad to your kids, is he? I'd want my children to have a dad..and for that reason..... I'm out.

I suggest you start çmatching his energy' as they say, i.e prioritize your own hobbies, put him at the bottom of your list. Whatever he does to you, do it back to him.

He’s avoiding parenting a young child because it can be a bit dull!
When do you get time to yourself? DP and I both had an evening or 2 a week to so what we wanted ( gym, see a friend, hobby) while the other came home and looked after the kids, did dinner, bed, bath etc
your DP is having a laugh

He’s a good dad.

When??
9pm (ish) - home
930 - smoking outside
1030 - bed and dinner
1030-12 - Xbox

Oh, at weekends, when you've done all the parenting all the week. That kind of "good dad." And he is not a good dad if he is treating you with complete disregard. How you treat the other parent is a really important part of being a good parent yourself. He is a loser.

Plus he boxes and doesn't shower much? What a disgusting little toad. AND:

"Sex is always on his terms. Usually a quickie in the morning."

Fucking grim. Why oh why would you put up with this farm animal as a partner.

Me too.

He decided that I was getting too "women's libbish" and found another mug female who wasn't going to expect too much from him.

We got along just fine after he'd gone

I kept mine @Tyddento but he does occasionally accuse me of being too influenced by MN when I assert myself. It’s all bollox - I know it and he knows it!

I love the way you ignore that he doesn’t come home in the evening to see his daughter , he needs to be with someone he likes so he will brush his teeth then & shower , you sound so ridiculous 😂..
Oh yeah if he meets someone he likes he might stop eating his dinner in bed 🙄

He's not a good dad is he? He is actively choosing to spend the vast majority of time away from your daughter. And when he is around he isn't doing his share of the basics of care for her (all the chores and organising etc). A good dad is an equal parent not a fun only parent who plays with their kid at weekends but leaves all the drudge work to someone else.

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

In what way is he a good dad when by choice he doesn’t see her after work at all during the week? At what point in the relationship did he decide to stop showering much or BRUSHING HIS TEETH?! Never mind making you wear headphones as he games while you try to sleep? This is just awful.

@Stepz as you said yourself he is a crap partner who puts you right at the bottom of the pile.

But please don’t try and convince yourself he is a good father.
He isn’t. A good father doesn’t miss all the bedtimes or seeing his dc in the evening. ‘Spending g time with his dd at the WE’ is not Enough. Esp as I suspect you organise it all, keep tabs on her and generally are the one responsible for her care (like eating, naps etc etc)

What do you have in common?
What did you do together BEFORE your DD arrived?

He sounds gorgeous…. 🙄

and WHEN??? He must only see his daughter at weekends- it is like he is divorced already