AIBU and expecting too much? Is this just married life?

[Stepz]

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years. DD is 2. He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

and he goes on his computer gaming in addition to the above?

my goodness he saw you coming, didn't he. He's massively taking the rise out of you.

im surprised you think it would be difficult spending a night apart, I'd have said it was a blessing.

We obviously spend a lot of time together
You obviously don't. Has he always been like this or when did he change. What is the hobby.

So sorry to hear this OP. I'm a single parent and my life sounds much less relentless than yours. You pretty much are on your own so think about how you can build connections with friends and develop your own hobbies. That's definitely not a marriage and you need to give him an ultimatum. If he doesnt change then make plans to leave

Is he 15?! I find this really sad!

I think a lot of the responses on here are completely OTT! Just sit down and have a chat together about what you want re time together and what that looks like to you. People are different - if my DH suggested going on a hike when parents had the baby I'd think he was insane 🤣. Maybe he's tired and doesn't realise that it's affecting you. Sometimes you have to spell things out, even if you are married. It sounds like maybe hr should reduce the hobbies as that might breed resentment as you're doing most of the childcare. Xxx

I suspect he’s bored shitless. That doesn’t necessarily spell disaster if you’re both happy with the hum drum work-kid-tea-tv-bed cycle. But the Xbox and hobbies are a distraction from boredom.

I think you need a big ol’ honest sit down chat together and find out what you both want/expect out of the marriage, and whether you’re both still on the same page.

You are definitely not neurotic. No way. You are a very conscious and hard working individual who prioritises her child. He is very selfish and he is taking the absolute mick out of you!! He needs a good talking to and if the work and responsibilities are not split 50/50 then you can dump him and get every other weekend as well as 2/3 nights in the week all to yourself to play out and enjoy, while he does something for a change!! Tell him sooner rather than later and please don’t be a doormat as that’s a life of resentment and a very bad role model for your child. Love and support 💕to you xxxx

It all sounds very unsatisfactory. You've asked him to spend more time with you and he won't. Would you consider splitting up. If not then develop your own interests and friends and hobbies as far as you are able and see what happens.

No it's not normal and its not sustainable.

Firstly because he's hardly ever physically there to help you with your child so you're doing the bulk of the childcare without support (and presumably not getting much downtime). Secondly because he's not present in the relationship, he is with you but not "with" you and is spending all his leisure time on activities which don't include you.

A lot of men unfortunately settle into this when they get married.

You need to have a frank conversation with him and let him know it's not working for you and he has a choice of changing or you separate.

Hey OP 👋..
Thats definitely not married life , out every evening 5 days a week at his hobbies !!! , he should want to be there for some family time with you & his daughter , he should want to see her after being gone all day to work ..
Gaming until midnight, ah come on what age is he 🙄….
I would definitely be sitting down with him if he was my husband..
Show him this thread x

He is behaving poorly. You are being gaslit that this is ok, it is not. You need to figure out what you can do to change this dynamic for you because it is very unlikely that he will want to change it, why would it. It is a great life for him.

I wouldn’t be begging him to spend time together if he doesn’t want to then fuck him. Find someone who does. There is no way in this world I’d be sleeping in headphones on so a grown man can play on his fucking x box.

I think you need to sit him down for a chat
tell him you didn’t think married life would be like this
him not coming home till 9pm m-f when everything been done
no x-box in the bedroom any longer. You shouldn’t have to wear earplugs in your own bedroom
A date night - pay babysitter or mum

His hobby is boxing. He takes on loads of responsibility and now he mentors younger people there. He will say class finishes at 9, and then sometimes waltz in at 10. He will say he was chatting to new members. I find it a complete disregard for me to be honest. it caused a lot of arguments, but it never resolves.

I have my own hobbies. I go to the gym before work (6am) and then come back and go to work. I will see my friends once every 2 weeks.

My issue is that the marriage itself just feels like 2 housemates. He’s lazy - showers infrequently, no teeth brushing, eats his dinner in bed, plays Xbox.

so it’s:
9pm (ish) - home
930 - smoking outside
1030 - bed and dinner
1030-12 - Xbox

Do you love this man? If yes, read him the riot act. Time to buck up his ideas. If no, time to go. You don’t want your daughter to learn that this is what a healthy relationship looks like.

Why on earth are you continuing in this 'relationship' OP?

IMO marriage should be like your best mate who you fancy loads. My husband is the person I most want to spend time with (along with my kids, but he’s more consistent in not winding me up 🤣). Our weeks look a little like this:

Both work full time; our evenings are a mixture of maybe one of us working late, maybe neither, kids hobbies, gym if either of us fancies it

Friday nights are for sports (we do ours together; children have a lesson), then a nice dinner and usually a film and a glass of wine. Bed at the same time and not usually too late as there’s football for both kids the next morning;

Saturdays / Sundays are either housework or trips out (swimming, walks, national trust etc). Sometimes we’ll go to the pub for a pint after a walk as a family. Saturday nights are pizza and film with the children, then we plan a nice dinner, cook together and share a bottle of wine with a film.

We don’t go out a lot separately (occasionally we do) but our favourite night out would be the pub or a restaurant together. We prioritise this every few months but don’t leave the children much as we’re quite happy in the house in the evenings!

Op , I’m sorry but your husband gives me the ick 🙈..
No teeth brushing , showers infrequently 🤮, eats his dinner in bed , like ffs !!!
Games , is lazy ..
Can you see this guy changing ???
From what you’ve written , I can’t being honest ..
Was he always like this and what age are you both ?

You're not in a marriage. You're a service human.

You've tried to negotiate with him but it's back to where it was. He doesn't care a fig for you, your child or for you and him and the LO as a family unit.

Move on.

He goes boxing everyday but doesnt shower or brush his teeth AND YOU ARE STILL THERE!!! He really really really doesnt like you its like he couldnt make it any more obvious , yuck

He’s spending 2 hours (!) smoking and playing x-box? Is he 19???

It sounds as if he doesn’t really want to be in a relationship or have the responsibility that comes with being a parent. It sounds as you’d be happier without him and in time you could meet someone who respects and values you.

That 'married life' sounds the loneliest. You will be better off separated!

He's got main character syndrome. Everyone else is nothing but an accessory to his life. You existing in the background, there when he feels like engaging so he isn't lonely, is enough for him. He couldn't care less what you want. If course he's "easy-going", show me someone who isn't when they're getting everything their own way!

Well, I know what I'd do. Stop having sex with him. When he eventually wants to know why, tell him it's because you feel unloved, unwanted and as if you're just a toy that sits on the shelf that he takes down to play with for 5mins now and then before putting it back again. Say you feel like you're housemates, not partners. And you don't sleep with your housemates.

Also get yourself some hobbies where you'll meet people who do actually want to spend time with you. 3 days a week, including one weekend day if he has a weekend hobby too, 2 nights a week if there's no weekends involved. One of your "hobbies" should actually be doing whatever the fuck you want, so you've that gap available if anyone you get to know wants to meet up one-to-one, taking the friendship outside the hobby group.

If all he wants from this relationship is co-parenting but separated and living in the same house, then accept it and lean into it instead of feeling sad about it. When you've emotionally detached it'll feel easier. Once DD is a little older, if you'd find working and childcare as a single parent impossible (or when you've met someone else and decided you want to explore the possibility of a relationship with them), then get divorced at a later date.

Firstly, I take my hat off to those who spend their free evenings supporting activities for young people. My kids have certainly benefited from that within the Scout group and martial arts. However, not to the detriment of their own family!

So he gets home from coaching /training then gets in to bed, eats dinner (that I assume you have cooked) in bed then plays xbox in the bed you are also trying to sleep in?? Unbelievable! It sounds like your DD and you are the bottom of his priority list, I'm sad to say. How do you feel? Do you want to stick around and put up with this, or cut your losses and move out so you aren't just waiting in on him coming home and being a massive dick?!