AIBU and expecting too much? Is this just married life?

[Stepz]

I’ve been with my DH for 3 years. DD is 2. He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

We obviously spend a lot of time together, and we’ve never spent a night apart (we joke that we would find this very hard). We both work in the week, and he has hobbies nearly every day after work. He usually comes home about 9, we eat and go to bed. I have already put DD at this point.

at the weekends, we will do stuff with DD. She goes to bed at 7. Usually he will then go on his gaming until midnight. If I say I want to spend time with him he says “we’re always together” - but I I mean doing something! Not just sitting in the same room. He then begrudgingly will say “well let’s watch a film then”. He will fall asleep whilst watching it.

Whenever I say I want to do something, even just a hike whilst DD is at mums, he’ll say “we got the rest of our lives together what’s the rush!”

weve had a conversation before that his hobbies take up a lot of time and he reduced this to 2 times a week, but this has now gone back to 5 times a week. I feel like I can’t tell him to spend more time with me!

today he’s taken DD to his hobby to “watch” him. I’m unwell in bed so couldn’t go. He left at 9 and I spoke to him at 10, but now his phone is going to voicemail.

I feel like I’m always asking for time or communication from him. I don’t think there’s anyone else but I feel like he just doesn’t even think of me

No it’s not nornal OP. The x box thing alone would drive me up the wall. I think it’s good to have a healthy hobby like boxing but not every weeknight when you have a child, that’s selfish. I think you may be fighting a losing battle with him if he thinks this is acceptable.

You sound lovely but so lonely. You have taken a really brave step in posting and seeking guidance. Firstly, before even attempting to speak with DH take some time to reflect on your feelings for him. Do you love him? Is he someone who loves, respects and understands you? Has he changed since DD came along or has he always been like this? Is this someone you could see yourself with for the next 10, 20, 40 years?

Since having DD his life has barely changed and it appears he has no desire to change it. For you to have more of his time, either to spend it with you or to look after DD whilst you pursue your own interests, this will eat into his current rather selfish interests. That’s the problem with equality, for you to be equal (or a bit more equitable) he has to lose some of his privilege.

Decide whether you want to spend your life with this man, what that life looks like and then tell him things need to change. Disrespect erodes love, he needs to understand how much he has and how close he is to losing it.

I do love him.

Why? What is there to love about him? He is not playing more than a fleeting part in your day to day life, he is unhygenic, doesn't want to spend time with you, doesn't want a good fulfilling sex life for both of you, spends all of his money on hobbies for him. He's a crap husband and life partner, do you really want this to be your life for the next 60 years plus? You only get one shot at life, @Stepz don't waste it on him.

He’s a good dad.

No, he is as crap a dad as he is a husband. A good dad would be rushing home to spend time with his child/children, be wanting to be fully involved with them, want to play a full part in their life, be interested in them. He is none of these things, boxing and gaming is more important and interesting to him.

Do yourself and your child a big favour and dump this waste of space and carve out a much better, fulfilling life for you and your child.

Wow sounds like a hard time OP. Getting home every night at 9pm is not right! As someone else said, doesn’t he want to see your child? So you’re always solo parenting too. When’s the time for your hobbies?
I think it’s normal in marriage to be busy separately once or perhaps twice a week max but purely because I don’t get why he doesn’t want to come home and spend time together.
do you feel happy? Does he do other stuff really well? The gaming thing would annoy me too. Almost feels like you’re not together?
think you need to seriously speak to him OP. Share how you feel and put boundaries in.

What has he done to demonstrate he loves you and is a good dad?

There are two main problems with a lot of men in this day and age; they want wives but they don’t actually want to be husbands and they marry women they don’t really like.

OP, only you know if there’s value in this man and this marriage and if you think there is, I’d be looking to get into marriage counselling ASAP so you have a space where you can express your needs and maybe you can find out if there’s something deeper behind his behaviour.

I think you have to make sure you’re super clear and firm about what’s acceptable (example suggestions);

• His hobby is twice a week and he must be home for family dinner and DD’s bed time the other days.
• Gaming is max one hour, three times a week and not in the bedroom
• Weekly date nights; can be low key staying in to watch a series or an event/dinner/joint hobby (you can make it fun and take it in turns to plan and surprise the other).

Just some suggestions but he has to want to be an active husband and father, you can’t make this marriage work alone.

What childcare does he do? How often dies he cook your DD tea and eat with her? How often dies he put her to bed? Doesn't sound 50/50 to me?

You've married a selfish prick who doesn't see you. A strong and firm conversation is needed.
A grown arsed man playing on his x-box would be an x who can fuck off, so bloody immature. Give him as much time as he's giving you and the rest of that 99.9% energy put into you and raising your baby. This man has checked out so match that energy with him

He is NOT a good dad - does your child even see him on week days??
Playing xbox in bed til midnight when you’re up at 6am - bloody hell you’re a tolerant woman to put up with that crap.

Posts like this are really sad. You ‘love him.’ Why? What do you think love is?

No this isn’t just married life. At all.

You probably made a wrong decision with your choice of partner but that’s fine. We all make mistakes and sometimes things just don’t work out.

What matters now is how you get back on track so you don’t let this derail your whole life. Make this about you not him.

No, I wouldn't say it's something you need to accept. DH and I used to be like this when kids were small - we watched TV in separate rooms, spending our downtime separately. It actually has helped as the kids have got older and don't need so much attention, we make an effort for date nights and we have some activities we do together (while still giving ourselves independent time)

You say you love him and he's a good dad.

But do you actually love about him? This is a man who basically ignores you most of the time. He's barely home and when he is, he's not interested in you.

He can't even be bothered to eat a meal with you. He doesn't even shower or brush his teeth. His idea of a sex is 'a quickie on his terms' - in other words, he doesn't care whether you enjoy it.

How is he a good dad? He barely sees his child because he's out until 9-10pm every night during the week. He essentially spends weekends with her, and that's all - he spends less time with his daughter than most of the divorced dads I know, let alone the married ones.

He isn't living the life of a husband and father. He is incredibly selfish and lazy and you are just convenient to him.

Oh I feel awful for you - he doesn't love you, this isnt how you treat someone you love. Actions speak louder than words.

He is a man who has a housekeeper, someone to look after his child and to have a quickie with. This isn't a marriage.

He's behaving like a self centered arshole - sorry for your situation ❤️‍🩹 - time to set him straight about his marital status and family commitments....

Adding to the 'how is he a good dad when he's never there, smells and is treating the mother of his child so badly?' chorus.

I've never met you, OP, but I know you can do better than this selfish manchild.

·lThere are two main problems with a lot of men in this day and age; they want wives but they don’t actually want to be husbands and they marry women they don’t really like.

I understand the laziness that drives them to want wives but not be husbands, but I don’t understand them marrying women they don’t particularly like.

He’s a shit dad. You need to have conversations with him about this in writing and ask that he commits to doing your daughters bedtime routine 50% as you’re 50% equal parents. On those evenings please get out of the house - go swimming, to a sauna, shopping, see a friend and tell him you expect to come home to a cooked dinner like you do for him. If you address it like this and he says no then surely he is a shit partner and you should Ltb and not have a particularly different life you’d be just as lonely but maybe would get every other weekend off to date someone who actually enjoys your company’

I agree, I am single with a two year old doing everything but at least I no longer have his dad taking over my kitchen table gaming all evening. So so so u attractive!

I agree and if he moans and rolls his eyes like any of that is a chore then he doesn’t like you or want to try at the relationship so you might as well cut your loses. He reminds me of a clip I saw I think from the film this is 40 - perhaps watch that with him if he can stay awake!

Op honestly the best advice I can give you is get yourself out a couple of times a week, take up padel or tennis lessons, be sociable, kick start your hobbies (I would say plan your exit affair but joking.. not joking.. joking)

He’s a selfish prick and I thought that before I saw your updates. God knows why you’d want to stay married to him. Useless husband and father. You and your child deserve more. He took her to watch him box?? Gosh how thrilling for her!! You would have gone if not ill in bed? Why? Why the hell should you?!

He’s very laid back and chilled and I’m more neurotic I think!

no you aren’t and he’s bloody lazy and selfish

Yeah me too , makes absolutely zero sense 🤷🏻‍♀️
No one says “ well I really don’t like her at all but I want to marry her “ 🙄