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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single SIL never hosting

382 replies

Startrekobsessed · 03/10/2025 13:14

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

OP posts:
BruFord · 06/10/2025 15:50

I know that I’m getting a little shrill about this @JHound! Family dynamics can be so awkward sometimes, people don’t voice their feelings, they feel obligated, etc. It’s far easier when we’re all open and honest, but some many MN threads show that’s not always the case!

ParmaVioletTea · 06/10/2025 16:38

Bellyblueboy · 05/10/2025 22:22

You are coming across as patronizing and clueless - which is probably what’s getting this other posters back up.

Maybe your specific sister in law has a low stress life - but the smug way you have expressed it is grating.

‘She has a lower threshold than a woman her age with a husband and children and a FT job and plus the boss/commute/etc, and there’s nothing wrong with that.’

i am childless, my life is still quite stressful - I lead a team of 150 people, have caring responsibilities for elderly parents and volunteer on a couple of high profile boards. I can find myself being interviewed on the local news or radio at short notice. Stress isn’t a competition - but not everyone who has a husband and children automatically has more stress.

we all choose our paths and cope with our different lives in different ways. But I am always entertained by the smug ‘you don’t understand stress until you have children’ comment. In fact my friend - who runs a busy A&E department was once smugly lectured about how she can’t possibly understand stress until she has a toddler🤣🤣🫣. She doesn’t have a husband either imagine how void of stress and work her life is: no child, no husband just a busy hospital to run.

It intriguing people never make these jibes at men who don’t have a wife of children!

Show quote history

Top post @Bellyblueboy ! I have a hugely demanding & absorbing job.

I'm also a good cook, can have up to 10 people staying in my house, do the washing & the cooking etc etc for all of them.

But as a single woman, I'm the one who does the travelling because it's easier & cheaper for everyone else. I'd love to host, but well, I can see the logic, obviously.

I think @Startrekobsessed is really just about asserting her will & power in her husband's family. She thinks herself superior to her SiL because she's the married-with-children woman.

It's so so silly, and her lack of criticism of her husband's non-effort, or indeed, her own parents and siblings (as opposed to in-laws) says a lot.

JHound · 06/10/2025 17:35

jonthebatiste · 05/10/2025 17:54

I think I have a better grasp on both my SIL and myself than you do, but thanks for your input 😬

Show quote history

Just responding to what you wrote.

JHound · 06/10/2025 17:38

Bellyblueboy · 05/10/2025 22:22

You are coming across as patronizing and clueless - which is probably what’s getting this other posters back up.

Maybe your specific sister in law has a low stress life - but the smug way you have expressed it is grating.

‘She has a lower threshold than a woman her age with a husband and children and a FT job and plus the boss/commute/etc, and there’s nothing wrong with that.’

i am childless, my life is still quite stressful - I lead a team of 150 people, have caring responsibilities for elderly parents and volunteer on a couple of high profile boards. I can find myself being interviewed on the local news or radio at short notice. Stress isn’t a competition - but not everyone who has a husband and children automatically has more stress.

we all choose our paths and cope with our different lives in different ways. But I am always entertained by the smug ‘you don’t understand stress until you have children’ comment. In fact my friend - who runs a busy A&E department was once smugly lectured about how she can’t possibly understand stress until she has a toddler🤣🤣🫣. She doesn’t have a husband either imagine how void of stress and work her life is: no child, no husband just a busy hospital to run.

It intriguing people never make these jibes at men who don’t have a wife of children!

Show quote history

They didn’t get my back up but I concur with the rest of you post!

It’s clear this poster looks down on the SIL for not having the “serious” responsibilities of children / spouse.

And definitely sees non spouse / child related stressors as “lesser”.

I doubt SIL truly sees their life as “less stressful but stressful”. I think they simply say “oh nothing like what you experience” to put a stop to the sneering.

jonthebatiste · 06/10/2025 18:26

JHound · 06/10/2025 17:38

They didn’t get my back up but I concur with the rest of you post!

It’s clear this poster looks down on the SIL for not having the “serious” responsibilities of children / spouse.

And definitely sees non spouse / child related stressors as “lesser”.

I doubt SIL truly sees their life as “less stressful but stressful”. I think they simply say “oh nothing like what you experience” to put a stop to the sneering.

Edited
Show quote history

You're actually being rude now, re-asserting repeatedly that you know my SIL better than I do. Who do you think you are? Do you really think that because you too are a single woman living (I'm assuming) some 4000 miles away from my SIL, you know more about her and her life than I do? You have no idea what country she lives in, of her marital history, of her culture, ethnicity or social background, of her sexuality, of the dating culture she lives in. You know the sum total of fuck all about her, or me. You are projecting. "Clearly". Please, stop.

FeeLipa · 06/10/2025 20:21

@Kisskiss the straw that broke the camels back was after plonking herself down at the table, and not helping any carry dishes in or even make room on the table as more arrived ( I was having to lean over her to play platter Tetris ) I finally sat down as a sweaty, frazzled mess, and DS asked her to pass him the gravy. She told him it wasn't her job to look after him. What a cunt.
I told dh I am not cooking for that knobhead ever again.

burnoutbabe · 07/10/2025 08:24

Dontcallmescarface · 05/10/2025 17:54

You want a big family gathering at Christmas as, presumably, does your MiL but does SiL, or does she turn up out of a sense of "duty"? Maybe she doesn't host because she'd much rather have a more low-key affair with just her own parents but can't deal with the drama if no-one else was invited.

Indeed. I’d attend with my parents a big event at my sisters with her family/kids.

but I’d be equally happy just me and my parents.

of course the sad thing is the future when parents are both gone and this sister in law (or me) is on her own for Xmas.

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