Single SIL never hosting

[Startrekobsessed]

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

We host most years. Up to 15 people some years.

How old are your children? How much entertaining do they need on Christmas morning?

Prep veg night before. DH can do this. You can chill .
Do you have starters? Pick something that can be prepared quickly in the morning and put in fridge.

Christmas morning. Put turkey in while kids are waking.
Presents
Breakfast
Play
Put veg on (it's already prepped)
Play
Take turkey out to cool
Guests arrive/presents
Guest supervise children while you serve food.
All eat together.
Ask for help clearing table/dishes.

You have a DH issue not a SIL issue.

Blueandwhiteporcelain: " I always believed vegetables lose their vitamins, the earlier they are prepared?"

That may be so but would it actually matter that much for one day or even two? There will still be plenty of vitamins around the rest of the year.

I googled and found this:
"Yes, vegetables lose some nutrients when cut and stored overnight, mainly water-soluble vitamins like Vitamin C and some B vitamins, as well as certain phenolic compounds, due to oxidation and enzyme activity. However, this loss is not substantial for a one-day preparation time, and proper storage in the refrigerator, and minimizing exposure to air and light, can significantly slow the process."

When I was single (no time recently admittedly) I went to my parents for Christmas and then we would visit my sister who had children at that point post dinner. The families with children always stayed at home so they could play with their toys and sleep when they got tired.

After I got married the parents visited alternative years. We've never done an entire family get-together at any point. Admittedly I have a family who squabble if we spend too much time in each others company.

Also, why is the husband not counting as an adult in this scenario?

I hate these threads downing on childless female relatives. The single aunts always seem to be accused of swanning in, never contributing and drinking all the booze!

I really value our childless aunt (my sister). It’s really special for our children that they have another adult in their lives who they are a priority to and they can speak about worries to. We have wonderful
grandparents too but they are a different generation. We really value the things she does for the children - fun parcels, trips out and sleepovers.

Is it done in her terms? Yes, because this is not the life she signed up to and the children are our responsibility. But it enriches our lives.

We would never expect to descend on her for Christmas and take over her home. But I would say to her when coming to mine “Don’t arrive before X date”, “Can you pick up A, B and C?” and “Could you make a dessert the kids would eat?”

As it’s OP’s SIL, better the requests come from her husband though, I think.

My family usually do the veg. We part cook some bits at home and we finish when we get there. Pigs in blanket get put in the oven at some point (usually when mum says has anyone done the pigs in blankets?!) but that’s literally putting them in the oven. My sibling who has the bigger house usually does the meat. My other sibling brings an easy starter and makes it on arrival. I appreciate it might not be for everyone but we’ve been doing for this for a while now. I think we all look forward to Christmas Day so much more now as the work is spread out.

As a single person with siblings with kids, I never host. It's usually at my parents (biggest house) or sisters (most kids).

Frankly, for all the babysitting, helping taxi kids to clubs or whatever, kids birthdays etc, I shell out a lot more financially and helping wise their way then I get back in return. Christmas is the time they can give back to me by hosting.

I’m the same as the OP’s SIL. Single, 3 bed house, no mortgage, never host Christmas.

Reasons being:
No-one ever shows any interest in visiting my house at any time of year so assume they can’t be bothered at xmas either.
I am expected to do all the travel and fit round others’ plans.
My house isn’t set up to host 8 people, nor is it set up for children.
I’m a reasonable cook but not great, and the DC in family are fussy eaters.
I am unbothered about big family xmas I’d be happy to go away on holiday but my parents would be hurt.
And finally (though it’s really the least consideration) the financial outlay of a meal for 8 people - I already give my nephews birthday and xmas gifts and get very little if anything in return from my DB and his wife.

So OP get your husband to help out and maybe ask SIL to bring dessert or wine, asking her to host isn’t reasonable for multiple reasons.

Well obviously in the real world nobody would calculate it like that.

However, when you're dealing with a CF like the OP who thinks that her family of 5 should contribute the same as a single person, then using numbers is a good way of demonstrating how entitled she's being.

OPs part of the family already aren't pulling their weight and poor MIL is picking up their slack, and she has the audacity to be pointing the finger at her SIL!

I think, OP, if you’d like her to have a go at it, why not just ask her if she’d be willing to host this year? I don’t think it’s an unreasonable suggestion.

I’m single and although I don’t live alone (my dad lives with me) there is no way that my house is set up for young kids. It would be stressful for everyone if a young family came here and, as it’s just me, the load is much greater for prepping etc compared to a couple. I have a highly stressful job and an elderly parent, plus a dog, so no chance would I host a big family Christmas. Even on a high ish salary it works out really expensive for one person to cover on their own. Just not happening.

That may be so but would it actually matter that much for one day or even two? There will still be plenty of vitamins around the rest of the year

This, for some reason gave me a real belly laugh. It's so true and pure common sense.

Agree. I quite like a busy kitchen on Christmas Day tbh!

It takes you more words to make explain the concept of hosting then when you could just use the word hosting.

You think the word “host” is an Americanism?!

So only the women then? You said your DH is rubbish at doing a roast so that falls on you. He entertains the kids. Who organises/plans the day? Is that you and is DH not good at that either? Maybe your DSIL is also rubbish at doing a roast so maybe she can get a free pass too. Haven’t been in her house for 5 years? So? What did you deduce from that? Of course it’s not ‘set up for safety’ nor will your kids have the toys and games they have at home. You sound very resentful and likely knackered and I have sympathy. But I think it is misdirected. Best wishes

Why not gently ask your DH to speak with her and ask if she’d mind hosting on some years? Offer to take a dish or contribute. If you alternate between your parents and his then her turn need only fall every 3-4-5 years.

Are you up for being away from your own home though? Are your DC?

If she can’t afford it or is a nervous cook or just doesn’t want to, then you just need to decide if you want to keep hosting DH’s wider family.

I’d maybe start asking them all to bring wine, pudding, the starter or canapés etc though, just to make it fairer if that bothers you.

Yes who is worrying about their vitamin intake on Christmas Day?!

Also hosting encapsulates everything. That is involved in Christmas.

SiL would have to fully decorate her house (she might not do that) to make is special. Have kid friendly snacks, toys, games on hand. Cater to all the adults, drinks, nibbles. Have enough space to seat maybe eight plus at a dining table and enough space for everyone to relax and socialize during the rest of the day.

a big enough oven to cater a large meal, enough place settings etc for a large number of people. First time hosting could cost hundreds. I know my first time hosting Christmas for 15 people cost well over a grand!

on top of food and drink and decorations I had to buy cutlery, a second dinner set, some folding chairs! I had to get the house deep cleaned because someone was allergic to cats. My parents stay so I needed new bedding etc. my sisters house was set up this, mine wasn’t.

it’s much easier now case I have gathered the stuff like gravy boards and carving knives and loads of serving dishes and table clothes and napkins

Oh god so everyone is popping in and out the kitchen to sort “their” bit of the meal? I’d absolutely hate that.

Fair enough. We don’t find it a problem

SiL would have to fully decorate her house (she might not do that) to make is special

That's true, I only decorate if we're having people for xmas dinner. I just can't be arsed putting them all up and taking them all down again tbh.

This is all so true & well explained.

I have found since splitting from my H I have been expected to fit into other family member's plans now in a way I wasn't when I was part of a couple - almost like I no longer count as much.

Plus I had to point out to my sibling that splitting things 50/50 is more difficult when it's one salary Vs two salaries.

I stopped hosting Christmas when we split due to the cost but offered a buffet-type meal on a different day e.g Xmas Eve or Boxing Day as an alternative.

If I had no kids too I don't think I would be offering to host Christmas either, totally get where the SIL is coming from. Everything will revolve around the kids which would be potentially annoying & difficult to manage if you're not used to it/set up for it.

I have found since splitting from my H I have been expected to fit into other family member's plans now in a way I wasn't when I was part of a couple - almost like I no longer count as much.

Yes, it’s interesting to see how little single people count for, publicly and privately.

Except, of course, as a focus for blaming and projection.

It’s not the word count that bothers me, it’s the formality of ‘hosting’. Bit Amanda from Motherland.

The fair share for SIL, on an every other year basis, would be once every sixteen years...

Since she helps out at OPs house, I would also assume she helps out at MILs house too. I'd say she's doing at least her fair share, albeit by helping each year rather than hosting solo. The slackers here are OP, and particularly her DH, who aren't pulling their weight.