Single SIL never hosting

[Startrekobsessed]

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

Is there an obligation to host?! Maybe she doesn’t want to? Maybe she finds it too stressful?

You are being very unreasonable to prep veg on Christmas Day. Who does that?!

Us.

We are pretty relaxed about what hour we eat though.

We have a brunch to keep us from starving and often don't eat until quite late.

This feels like another thread hating on the single female sibling! (I’m still scarred by the awful thread with the woman complaining about inviting her sister to Christmas as she wanted it to be just “her family” meaning her partner and kids only after their mother had passed).

Why do you actually want SIL to host? Do you feel she’s just a useless single person? Don’t make this into a “is it usual for single people not to host”. There are probably some out there that would want to I imagine. She clearly doesn’t want to, so doesn’t.

from what you’ve said it looks like you have to host her once every three years? You do one year, MIL does one year, and then when you’re at your parents SIL goes to MIL?

You don’t really care about MIL unless SIL is demanding and expecting MIL to do a huge spread the year you aren’t there? It’ll be more effort for MIL hosting the years for you/your family rather than solo SIL. It seems SIL does try to help out as well rather than sat doing nothing having a drink?

And the year you host well yes I appreciate you may not enjoy it but that’s is your choice? If you really hate it eat out at a restaurant? And or ask SIL to stay in a hotel? Sorry your partner doesn’t help cooking and you do it solo but don’t think that’s a reason to ask SIL to cook for your entire family and parents as well just because you do it solo? Three bed doesn’t seem enough to host everyone surely? Hosting some adults is different to hosting a whole family with children and adults.

Ultimately if you don’t want to host, don’t. If you do, why do you care about SIL hosting or not, it’s irrelevant. If you want SIL to maybe support a bit more when you/MIL are hosting why not (kindly) ask her to make a starter or side or dessert?

from the sounds of it she probably isn’t massively fussed by the whole hosting and food with all the trimmings but likes to spend time with her family who do like that and clearly has no idea she’s offending you somehow. Why assume the worst of her, either let it go or have a conversation but you are coming across a bit unfair and judgemental as from what you’ve said she’s not demanding and hasn’t done anything “wrong”.

I do. I like the veg really fresh. But we eat Christmas Dinner in the early evening.

I always think this, too.

How does that work though in terms of cooking the items? They’re surely not bringing cooked veg, cooked pigs in blankets etc as they’d be cold by the time you ate? So someone still has to cook them even if they’ve been provided by someone else?

What word would you use instead?

Your carrot will still be fresh if it’s been peeled, chopped and put in water the day before.

Does not sound remotely relaxing to prep the veg on the day, regardless of when you eat. Free yourself from this burden. It will be transformative.

I'm amazed at the pettiness of some of these posts. Working out who you think should host and how often, on the basis of number of children! Really !!

Surely you invite your guests because you want to enjoy their company. If you don't want to spend Christmas with them, don't invite them. If money is tight, invite each guest or family group by saying "we'll do main course, please can you bring a bottle of wine or mince pies & cream for six."

Does no-one else find this simmering unspoken resentment a bit odd ?

It may well be that she is not confident about her cooking abilities. I would not feel confident myself to host people. I could do the hospitality bit, making sure they had great rooms and home comforts etc, and were well looked after in all respects except cooking. I have never been a confident cook, and I suppose that some people who never had a hubby and kids have not got used to cooking for groups to that same proficient level.

It could be worth asking her would she host at hers if someone else cooks! But that is why you would like her to host for a change, so you get a break.

I'd gladly host people as I love social events at my home but anyone sampling my dinner for more than two people would be risking a disappointment! 😦

That's very rude. If she wants to host she'll offer.

@Startrekobsessed

She doesn't have.to host. If you, DH & kids just do your own thing she'll probably spend it with her parents & while they're happy with that, that's up to them. When they are unable/don't want to, the three of them will work it out.

Because you having 1 extra person is nothing like her having the 4 of you.

presumably before you were married, the 4 of them had Christmas together. You've married her brother & had kids, extending the family, all great, but this is what's changed, that's your doing, not hers.

I might not have explained that well, but it's like trying to explain 'green' to a blind person.

Who do you think you are?

'readdress'

you can't insist someone else hosts. Host if you want to, don't if you don't. But leave her to make her own decision.

It's only just October, it's a bit early to be fussing over who goes where or why so and so never does Christmas lunch.

I'm so glad my family aren't so uptight about all these sorts of things.

You haven’t been to her house in years. I expect she has nice stuff and doesn’t want the mess and destruction that families with small children often cause.

I used to host all sorts of gatherings but no longer do as I finally have nice, expensive things and don’t want them ruined to be honest. When/if we have grandchildren I will need to loosen up.

I usually say, ‘so and so is round ours this Christmas’ or ‘we are at Moms Christmas Day’ etc.
Hosting makes it sound formal to me which is weird when talking about friends and family in your house.

Probably just me being weird!

If she's single does she have the practical set up to host you all?

When you have her round it's just one more person to add in, for her it's adding several more.

It would be reasonable to ask her to contribute a bit more so your load is lighter.

Hosting the full family on your own if that's not your thing is a big ask, I think once you have children you tend to organise Christmas a bit more anyway so adding a few is easier.

It would be normal in my family for the person hosting to ask someone else to bring the dessert, starter or sides, or help in some other way.

Some people don’t like to host events and some people do. I don’t think the people who host should hold it over the heads of those who don’t… if I was her I’d be helping when you hosted though even if it was just keeping the drinks topped, helping with the washing up etc

No it probably isn't particularly relaxing, though we don't really think of Christmas Day as relaxing as such, so I guess we aren't too disappointed. We also never watch tv except for the King's speech maybe, and I think that frees up a lot of time on the day for talking, meal prep etc so it never feels too stressful.

Our issue is we have Christmas Eve traditions so that day is very busy too - possibly busier. And DH rather likes pootling about in the kitchen with a glass of wine after a good brunch, and I only really have to hover basting potatoes and digging out ingredients every so often. Making the Yorkshire puddings is my job, but they aren't too onerous. We also buy the pre-prepped sprouts as they are fiddly, and we usually have a smoked salmon starter which just needs slicing really,.

What I do do is set the table a couple of days beforehand, with formal setting, flowers etc so that is all ready and waiting which does help on the day.

I agree! “Hosting” sounds so formal… (I think it’s crept in from America… Not that there’s anything wrong with how Americans talk but it sounds jarring when British people start saying it).

It’s “where are you having Christmas this year? Do you want to come to ours or shall we come to you?”

We do - and we have our Xmas lunch about 1.30 pm. I always believed vegetables lose their vitamins, the earlier they are prepared?Anyway, I find Christmas Eve to be busier. DH and I do the vegetables in the morning, while drinking our Bucks Fizz - it’s the quietest part of the day? Can’t see the problem?

There are a few things here. Firstly, I would have thought it's easier to add one person to a family than a family to one person. Secondly, the children-in your house have their own rooms, toys, electronics/DVDs/streaming service/high chairs/whatever. Much less fun for them in someone else's house where those things aren't readily available.
Thirdly, I've skimmed over much of this but it does seem transactional.