Single SIL never hosting

[Startrekobsessed]

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

Why is it relevant that she’s single to the extent that you need it in the title?

I’m meant single as in she lives alone, she is actually in a relationship so not ‘single’ in a traditional sense: they don’t spend holidays together so not relevant to this thread.

It's one more meal for you/MIL to prep, vs one person having to prepare goodness knows how many meals. Also the cost, from no real difference, to a huge outlay.
By all means, if she's turning up to either gathering and not helping, I'd be asking her to.

Maybe because she's one person on one income and has a smaller space. Is there even room to have multiple adults and kids? I wouldn't have had enough seating or table space when I was single. Plus, one bathroom.

It's a lot of work and expense to host x amount of people for a holiday. You have your husband to help split the load. Your MIL presumably has other people to help, since you reference family.

So not actually single anyway. But why does that matter? Would you put “accountant BIL never hosts Christmas” or “brown-haired MIL getting on my nerves”?

Is her house set up for kids? I would guess that if it isn’t that’s a key reason why.

Oh I'd just ask then. She can always say no. To be honest, as long as she put the effort in to helping I'd be ok with it. Maybe you could ask people to bring specific things if you feel really taken advantage of? Because you do enjoy a big family Christmas like you said, maybe she just assumes that you really want to host and don't want her butting in to the arrangements? My gran would have been really offended had anyone offered to take over!

It matters because she is a single person, as in 1 person. So is it unreasonable to expect her to host compared to us, a couple

Normally I go to my parents for Xmas (me 50, them 78) plus my sister and her family.if she wants to host I have sent her an £100 M&S voucher to pick up stuff (none of us dribk) to cover costs.
i won’t ever be hosting people in my 2 bed flat. I am quite happy to have Xmas on my own.
at parents we all chip in to help.

She might be the type that ideally she would like to be away somewhere for Christmas and only joins in because she’s invited and it feels expected.

Some people also don’t like large quantities of people to cater for, and some people deep down aren’t really bothered about Christmas.

You state you like a big family Christmas, and my guess would be she either doesn’t, or feels overwhelmed by the idea of having it at hers because she doesn’t have children and isn’t used to catering for lots of people. Also as a single person she might not want the mess!

You either invite her or don’t, but you can’t expect her to take a turn if that isn’t her thing.

Flip this Christmas on its head. Say that you found it stressful to do everything while DH manages the kids, but really enjoy a big family Christmas and you're looking forward to seeing them. So would MIL and SIL be prepared to split starters and pudding between them [arriving with them prepared preferably] and you'll take care of the main and the sides.
Or just say that you and DH have decided that going forward it will be MIL, your parents, solo family Christmas and you will host them all every 4th year.

Your kids are small, going to SIL's will be more stressful so while I take your point that she swans around never having to do the heavy lifting, I'm not sure Christmas is the place to make your point. Does she ever host you all for any meal?

When I was married we used to all go to SILs because she had children and wanted to be at home which is fair, she also had the bigger house. However, we were all expected to contribute in some way. MIL used to divvy up who brought what, and who was responsible for it element. So SIL brought the house (obvs) desserts, and the drinks, PILs would bring the meats and extras, me and XH would bring the vegetables and the breakfasts. We would stay Christmas Eve to Boxing Day so me and XH would make the breakfast every day, PILs did the main meal and SIL would do the in between bits. We also took turns to wash up and prepare meals. It worked so well, although at first I thought it a bit ott everyone knew what was expected of them and there were never fall outs plus SIL got to be with her husband and kids too. It’s the part I miss most about my old life!

Does she host other things? I think that it's very easy for it to happen that the people with children/grandchildren tend to host - their houses are set up for children etc, and it works well. Pre kids, I hosted my family at my home regularly, but I admit, I don't think I would have thought to host christmas only becuase my nieces and nephews would have had a very boring time at my house with just their new Christmas toys. As we've had kids etc, we can take turns because each house becomes more "kid friendly".

If you're feeling a bit resentful, perhaps suggest chanting the format. we've always taken a fairly communal approach to Christmas. Last year, we had a particualrly big christmas with both family and friends and I was in charge of the vegetables and side dishes. Others brought canapes and snacks. someone else did the main course. One person did beef, another did turkey... it was a whole thing and went really well! So maybe you should do that?

It’s your husband’s sister: tell him to speak to her

When I was single I hosted my mum at Christmas every third year (my two brothers hosted one in three too)

I didn’t always go to my brothers’ houses for Christmas because I didn’t want to. I would’ve had to drive mum to them every time they hosted & in the case of one brother, that was the sole reason I was invited!

Maybe it's the house,

My friend hosts a lot but her house is set up really well for children of all ages as she has children aged two to 9. I don't often host her at my house as my front room has a glass table, unsecured bookshelves ect so it's not viable for her toddler who likes to bang things on tables and climb things

I don't think you should ever host on the basis it should be reciprocated - how resentful you're feeling right now proves that.

We are the hosts amongst our friends and family 9 times out of 10. Likewise, our kids' friends over the years have always come here more than any other. I love it being party central. That's our choice.

Christmas will include many events, and I'm already enjoying browsing the recipe books, thinking about what to make.

Christmas shouldn't be a chore. Entertaining, hosting, cooking for others whatever you want to call it - shouldn't be a chore. If you don't enjoy hosting your family then don't. What your SIL is or isn't doing is nothing to do with you - because whether she wants to host is up to her.

Bet this wouldn’t even be an issue if you had a brother in law

This was my immediate thought. I also think it is more relaxing as they have all their gifts etc already there and you don't need to feel they are "taking over" someone else's home. We used to all go to grandparents growing up and it was quite a scene - and luckily my grandparents had had a big family so were very tolerant of new kites being flown down the stairs etc!

But if you would prefer to go to hers op, then I'd just ask if she minds hosting.

Either way, I would say I really remember my big family Christmases fondly and can never understand the threads on here where people want to have it without grandparents etc.

I understand this, but once you have kids, two salaries are just as stretched as a single person running a home. She has a 3-bed house so she can't be broke or she;d have downsized/taken in lodgers.

OP, say you need a break from hosting and say you'd love to come to her or to have a quiet Christmas with the family. If she says "I can;t do it on my own) say that you do. (As long as you truly do: all the shopping, prepping, cooking, cleaning up afterwards?)

I love hosting Christmas and don't really mind the work. I'd rather be in the kitchen listening to music and prepping veg than sitting on the sofa for three days. But if people find it exhausting, I don't understand why you don't split the work. Ask her to bring starters and pre-dinner snacks or Christmas pudding, sticky toffee pudding for DC and chocs. Ask DH to wash up.

I’d never expect someone on their own to host if we had kids. If they had kids as well it would be different.

It's 3 instead of 2; it's 4 instead of 1.

YABU. It is a very different thing hosting as a singleton to a couple. And it's not just about 'he's playing with the kids'. If you CBA to host just say so.

My brother is single. Much as he loves his nieces and nephews, it would be his idea of hell having them all run wild (I use that term in jest) in his house on Christmas Day whilst they’re fuelled on selection boxes, the joy of Christmas, and excitement would be his idea of hell.

He does, however, turn up with a lovely joint of cooked lamb on the day so does do a bit to help.

Bet you wouldn't be expecting her to host if she was your brother-in-law and not your sister-in-law.

Women don't have to host and cook for everyone just because we're women. Why isn't your husband cooking for his parents and sister? Why does it have to be you?

No one is forcing you to host. Just start having Christmas with only your immediate family.

I meant spreading the work between MIL one year, me next, SIL another (3), instead of just me and MIL (2).

I haven’t been to her house in over 5 years, my youngest has never been, so idea of the set up in terms of safety for kids. I think I’ll follow most of your advice and leave it for now. Once the kids all leave home we may need to readdress!