Single SIL never hosting

[Startrekobsessed]

The inevitable Christmas conversation has come in our household. We alternate between mine and my husbands family and this year it’s my husbands families ‘turn’. Sometimes we host and sometimes my MIL hosts.

I’ve noticed that my SIL has never hosted, in 15 years,, and I’m wondering if this is normal, it doesn’t feel it. When we host it’s usually just me doing the cooking because my husband has to entertain the kids (we tried to get in laws to do it but they just want to watch tv) so I don’t see the arguement that she’s one person and it would be too much work. She lives in a 3 bed house so has the space to host so I’m wondering why she doesn’t. It’s like I can see my life stretching out in front of me and us always hosting Christmas when in laws are eventually unable to, and her never needing to, just because we are a couple.

is this normal?? Should we try address it and suggest she hosts this/ one year? Grateful for your views!

God it’s hard enough work when there’s two of you fully involved. I wouldn’t attempt it on my own.

Because she told me…?

@ButSheSaid Do you expect to be asked to a family member’s house (not your parent’s house) for Christmas? Why would they enjoy hosting anymore then you do?!

She told you her life is low stress snd she finds the lack of stress, stressful?

Because some people do love hosting. I would assume if somebody regularly hosts it’s because they want to.

Personally I’ve never had a family Christmas anywhere other than my parents home We don’t have the sort of 50 people round a table that takes 3 months of planning Christmases. Think the most people I’ve ever spent the day with is 8.

I much prefer to spend the day alone or seeing my DS but accept an invite to my parents every couple of years out of politeness.

I can’t remember anyone else ever inviting me over for Christmas dinner in my life.

I appreciate it doesn’t make sense 😅. I think there’s a wider point here: I don’t think she’s alone as a single woman who has leaned into being single. She’s well aware from her siblings that marriage and family life can be stressful at times. She doesn’t have experience of it, but she’s observed it at more or less close quarters (her mother doesn’t know how to keep anything to herself, either 🙄). So she knows that relative to her siblings, she has a low-stress life. But, that doesn’t mean SHE doesn’t find HER life stressful at times: she complains about her boss, her commute, she spent a lot of the pandemic alone, and of course the pressure she gets from all quarters to “find someone” and settle down. In my eyes, they’re all legitimate stresses. She has a lower threshold than a woman her age with a husband and children and a FT job and plus the boss/commute/etc, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Why should everyone have a high-stress life? Horses for courses. She has enough self-awareness that in many respects her life is easier than it is for others, and enough self-respect to know that she doesn’t have to apologize for that, and enough respect for others to be understanding of this state of affairs.

ETA: sorry, she doesn’t find her lack of stress stressful. She finds her low-stress life to be stressful at times.

Doesn’t sound like she views her life as low stress. Sounds like you view it that way.

I think I have a better grasp on both my SIL and myself than you do, but thanks for your input 😬

You want a big family gathering at Christmas as, presumably, does your MiL but does SiL, or does she turn up out of a sense of "duty"? Maybe she doesn't host because she'd much rather have a more low-key affair with just her own parents but can't deal with the drama if no-one else was invited.

Obviously not the word itself, but yes, I do think using it in this particular way, in this particular context sounds very American to my ears. No British people I know in real life would say "We're hosting Christmas this year", they'd say "We're having my parents and sister over for Christmas this year".

@JHound Or perhaps they feel obliged to. 🤷

There was another thread recently where the OP didn’t want to invite her sister who’s single for Christmas and she was crucified (she was being unkind tbf).

If no one offers to host, then anyone who’s single is left on their own, aren’t they. That’s the OP’s situation, her single SIL will be on her own if no one invites her.

Which is fine if someone wants to be on their own, but that doesn’t sound the case here.

You are coming across as patronizing and clueless - which is probably what’s getting this other posters back up.

Maybe your specific sister in law has a low stress life - but the smug way you have expressed it is grating.

‘She has a lower threshold than a woman her age with a husband and children and a FT job and plus the boss/commute/etc, and there’s nothing wrong with that.’

i am childless, my life is still quite stressful - I lead a team of 150 people, have caring responsibilities for elderly parents and volunteer on a couple of high profile boards. I can find myself being interviewed on the local news or radio at short notice. Stress isn’t a competition - but not everyone who has a husband and children automatically has more stress.

we all choose our paths and cope with our different lives in different ways. But I am always entertained by the smug ‘you don’t understand stress until you have children’ comment. In fact my friend - who runs a busy A&E department was once smugly lectured about how she can’t possibly understand stress until she has a toddler🤣🤣🫣. She doesn’t have a husband either imagine how void of stress and work her life is: no child, no husband just a busy hospital to run.

It intriguing people never make these jibes at men who don’t have a wife of children!

I completely understand the point you’re making. It’s not possible to make a sweeping statement that encompasses all single women (with reference to anything). I did not make a single sweeping comment. That poster was challenging me on my SIL. I can state for the record that she tells me these things herself! I have no insight beyond what she tells me (although I know her job is middle office, there are no board positions, there are no people to manage, she works 8.30-5.30 in an office - about as far from managing and A&E dept as a person can get!). I also don’t care about any of this that much: it’s not a competition. This is an anodyne thread about Christmas dinner. I’m not sure how anyone can possibly challenge me on what my SIL tells me about herself

I’m the single person in my family and have never hosted - partly because the size of my house we’d have to eat in shifts but also because we’ve just always done it at my parents.
However, I do contribute more than my fair share and arrive early for setup and stay till everything’s tidied after. Last year I supplied 90% of the food.

Oh god there’s your mistake. You need to assume that every woman is doing everything under duress but you need to guess that as they won’t actually tell you.

Agree 100%. But I hate it as it reminds me of my mum who, when I’d committed some terrible crime as a teenager (perhaps had pegged the washing out „wrong“) told me I’d never be able to run a house. Run a house, you live in a three bed bungalow mother. It’s not Longleat. But, she had very little agency elsewhere so made up stuff to make her feel more important. Sad really.

Of course - silly me!

I'm British and I'd say it. It's fewer words than 'they are coming to mine' and encompasses the cooking, shopping, etc. I would say 'we take it in turns to host' because it's a quick way of communicating all that. Nowt to do with thinking I'm posh or put upon.

Do you know whether she’s any good at cooking a roast? Or if she enjoys it?

Ha, ha, @TorroFerney @JHound , you really think that women aren’t encouraged pushed into assuming certain roles within families?

I’m going to quote a random comment from a few comments above this one…
”Because some people do love hosting. I would assume if somebody regularly hosts it’s because they want to.”
How would you go about communicating that same message without using the words “hosting” and “hosts”?! These are just run of the mill words!

I think women are adults and can choose not to host. I don’t and yet am also a woman.

Fancy that.

@JHound Good for you, I expect you contribute abit more to celebrations than the OP’s SIL does though and that you wouldn’t mind if whoever hosts you decided not to do it anymore.

The impression I’m getting from the OP’s posts is that she would like to host less often. Perhaps her best option is to step back and let others deal with the consequences.

We have the opposite situation in our family. One of my SIL won’t leave her dogs so everyone has to go to her, which includes boarding our dog and paying four airfares. 😂 So we can’t go every year. She’ll end up spending Christmas on her own at some point, but it’s her choice.

Ok. The point was it’s fair to assume somebody enjoys hosting when they do it. Repeatedly.

If OP wants other family members, beyond just her and MIL to do more she can use her words.